do you ever feel like you're doing everything wrong?

like everything you do is never right, or will get better?

it honestly is the worst feeling to me.

and, i feel that way the majority of the time as a mom. 

i never really pictured myself being a mom while I was growing up, much less being a good one.

and in a world where the outside image is worth more than the inside.. well, it’s hard to go through that world, and always try to measure up to your own view of what perfection is, much less every else's. 

i have this awful habit of concentrating on the bad things, and letting it go.

and it just builds. and builds. and builds. 

until well.. 

b o o m.

and that doesn’t help, or make anyone in our family happy. ever. 

especially, me. 

but being a mom is hard.

you know, i had this idea in my head that, yeah, it seems quite difficult, but you deal with the problems and move on.

but i never realize just how plain  a g o n i z i n g  it can be at times. 

and in the beginning it was fine. 

i loved having this perfect newborn in my arms.

then that newborn grew into a toddler. 

and that toddler grew into a two, almost three-ager, and somedays, well, I quite literally want to pull every single hair out, one at a time because that would be less painful than hearing him cry, scream, or whine just one more time.

somedays, I feel like this evil little gnome has crawled inside my perfect, precious boy.

no for reals. 

one minute, i'll be looking at his completely swoon-worthy chubby cheeked face, with his cute little teeth, perfect button nose, and the most beautiful caramelized eyes I have ever seen, and then the next minute all I see is this scary creature staring back at me.

shrieking like a little banshee because I didn’t get the cheese out fast enough.

or because he wanted to wear his slip on “piderman shoes” when there is 20 feet of snow outside.

or because I didn’t let him play “crossy road” on my phone.

and for that brief moment, I break. 

i tell myself.. 

I can’t do this. 

I can’t ever be alone. I can never seem to get enough sleep. My body hurts. My house is always a mess. My clothes are always covered in something. I can never talk on the phone without hearing screams, even though he was perfectly content playing by himself 2 seconds prior. I can’t eat alone. I can’t shower alone. I can’t read a book alone. I can’t go to the bathroom alone. I can’t just run into the thrift store, or Sephora for a few minutes without having to cater to a raging monster freaking out. I can’t stop stubbing my toes on his giant tractors or trucks..

and then everything goes quiet after shouting “ow” from hitting those freaking trucks for the millionth time.. 

then I hear his footsteps running up the stairs to me, yelling, 

“Oh no! You okay, Mom?! You okay?!”  

and my entire mind stops spinning. 

and I remember him running and jumping up on our bed while I'm trying to blog, and attempting to cover us up under the blankets saying, “Hide, Mom! Hide from Dad!"

i remember him grabbing his blankies, sippy, paci, + chase, to come and snuggle with me on the couch while I am reading.

i remember him hearing me tell Keagan I wanted a bagel, so he ran to the kitchen to bring me the entire bag of bagels + the strawberry cream cheese that I love from the fridge.

i remember him seeing Jennifer Lawrence on the TV, and him shouting, "MOM! You on the show!". (thats real love folks)

i remember him hugging me, and brushing my tears away, and saying, "It's okay, mom. It's okay" when I read a letter my dad had written me before he passed away.

i remember him always saying sorry to me whenever he bumped into me, or when i step / trip / fall on his stuff and hurt myself.

i remember him always wanting to help me stand up if I was having a hard day.

i remember the first time he said, “I love you, mama”.

i remember that creeper smile he does when he wants to make me laugh.

i remember him trying to sing me back to sleep one night he crawled into bed with us.

i remember that my life is damn good.

i remember that I made an amazing kid, with the most amazing man.

i remember that I love my boys.

and all of the hardships, the guilt, the pain, the sadness, the anger, the self-pity just melts away.

i might get things wrong somedays, but the one thing i know i did right, was becoming a wife, and mom.

being a mom is hard. 

but i wouldn’t give it up for  a n y t h i n g.

mommy monster / round two

All I wanted to do was finish reading this page I was on. That's it people. Wasn't asking for much. Just to simply find out what was going to happen in this thrilling chapter, so I could focus on what was happening right in front of me. But no. Wasn't happenin'. This 3 foot something, fire breathing, screaming semblance of my kid, would not allow it. Needless to say, the Mommy Monster started to wake up from her long slumber. And she was ticked.

I mean, how dare he not let me finish reading this ONE part? Doesn't he realize all that I do for him? Doesn't he know that I need my own time? Doesn't he know the agonizing hours of labor I went through to bring him into this world? I mean really, did he need me to pay attention to him right that minute? Probably not! So, after the 4th head butt to my leg, I slammed my tea down on the table, for dramatic effect, because THAT. WAS. IT.

Obviously, it splashed everywhere. Which only made me even more mad. "Really, Ren? Come on!" Of course, it was his fault that the tea spilled! Then I had to get up, and go in search of a towel, only to realize, oh hey, they were all in the dirty clothes. You've got to be freaking kidding me. I go into the laundry room, muttering to myself about how I never get time alone to do anything, and how, just for one day, I'd love to just sit and read by myself. No distractions. No crying. No whining. No nothing. Just quiet. While still fuming over the woes of my life, I come out into the living room to see Ren already cleaning up my spilled tea with some diaper wipes. He had grabbed them from under the couch, opened the lid, and pulled some out to wipe it up for me. I immediately dropped the towel I was holding, ran over to him, and just held him with tears pouring down my face. We're talking ugly sobbing.

Sometimes, I get so caught up in my own head that I don't look up from what I'm doing, and just see what is happening right in front of me. This kid is precious beyond anything I've ever imagined, and it's moments like these that make me cherish the life I have. The best part was when I was holding him, and he gave me this quizzical look, wiped my tears, said, "oh no", then gave me a kiss. My heart is full, even though I feel like a complete a-hole. Although, this picture does make me feel a bit better about myself.

#wheremahothermommymonstersat

REAL TALK | Having Hope

disclaimer // You should probably read {this post} before you start reading, just to get a baseline of where I am coming from. Also, I do not think that the oils have "healed" me, only have helped me tremendously. I still believe in the power of doctors, and the amazing things that they can do. Oils affect people in different ways, and you should talk to your oil specialist &/or doctor about it if you think you liked to start using them. thank you.

I felt like I had lost faith. 
And hope. 
In doctors. 
In myself. 
Falling into the darkest place in my mind. 
And I needed help out. 
I needed something/someone to bring me out, or rather yank me out. 

But not my hair, please.

I love the doctors I have now. I am extremely blessed to have finally found them, but it's taken me a long journey to get to this place. 10 surgeries from doctors, who have straight up told me, 

I can fix this 

I can get rid of this, and take your pain away completely 

This WILL work 

Only then to come to me afterward in my groggy state, and tell me that it would take a miracle for me to get pregnant, and I will most likely have to get a full hysterectomy before I'm 21. 

I am beyond grateful that they attempted to help me. And that their hearts were in the right place - at the time. But then once they realized I was a "lost cause", they just wrote me off. Gave me a script of pain meds, and sent me on my way. 

I lost faith that I could ever feel normal. Or better. Even to just get to a safe place in my own body, and mind. It was a hard thing for me to get a grip on. It was a hard thing to tell my soon to be husband, that I would most likely never get pregnant. I was 20 when a miracle happened only 9 months into our marriage. 

Those two beautiful lines that appeared on the pregnancy test.

I didn't really think I was pregnant. It was even a fluke that I even tested myself. I went through a phase of getting overly excited, thinking I might be, in the first couple months we were married, but all the negatives were just a deeper spin with the knife. But the my sweet sister in law talked me into just "making sure" one night. 

That warm rush of love that completely washed over me when I saw it was positive was indescribable. And it's a feeling I'll never forget.

Skip ahead a year and a half later, and we come to now. 
We have been married for 3 years, and have, an almost, 2 year old. 
I remember one hard day when I was talking to Keagan on the phone, while he was on his way to work. 

I was crying to him. Telling him how I don't feel like a good wife, or mother. He told me to make an appointment with my doctor because he wanted to talk to her about a type of surgery that he had researched. I snapped at him that I wasn't going to go back under the knife, less than a year after my last one.

I told him I have zero faith in doctors. I'm done with false hope, and ideas. 

He said to me, "You aren't allowed to lose hope. You aren't allowed to lose faith. You need to find hope in something, because false hope doesn't exist. You will beat this. You are stronger than this. I need you stronger than this."

I needed that wake up call. I've been becoming a person I don't necessarily like because I'm letting this disease get the better of me. I refuse to let it.

Now enter in my amazing neighbor, Nicole. 
We live in the same building, and she lives in the room directly across from us. 
We had met a couple times, just saying hi, and the usual neighborly things. 
But then one day things changed. I can remember I was struggling that day. 
Keagan couldn't come home from work early, so I took Ren to the park to be outside, and get worn out. Nicole was there with her 2 youngest babes, and they were pushing Ren on the swing. We started talking, and then I ended up telling her everything that was going on with me. It was a little difficult to tell her because, well, I don't really tell anyone that part of myself. I don't think it has to do with embarrassment, or anything other than me not being able to let myself become vulnerable. But I literally felt this warmth come over me, reassuring me that I can trust her, and I am so glad that I did.

She made me feel so loved, and immediately asked what she could do for me. She told me that she is a Rep for Doterra, and that she would love to look up some oils that might be able to help me. I had heard about Doterra a few times from various friends, but I never really paid much attention to it. My thoughts were, "If actual doctors can't help me, or help alleviate my pain, what much can oils do?" She told me that she'd bring me over samples that night, and we'd go from there. She probably brought me over 10 samples, and had me try different combinations, and see what ones helped the best. 

It's taken me a little bit to start to see and feel a difference, but I do feel it. I see it in my family. I can feel it in myself. There are days when the oils aren't enough, but I'm hoping eventually I will get to the point where they will be. 

The ones I use the most are Clary Calm, & Lavendar. I'm slowly getting more in my collection, but I haven't been so excited about something like this in a long time. I haven't had hope like this in a long time. If Nicole hadn't been willing to go above and beyond for me, at that point, a stranger to her, I don't know where I would be right now or how I would be feeling. 

The saying, "it takes a village" is so completely accurate. It really does. We need to be there for each other. 

As women. 

As moms. 

As sisters. 

We are a community of hope and light, and it's our duty to share it with others. To share it with our sisters around us, and help each other when times are tough. Not beat each other down, and judge one another. Our love is eternal. Just like our service should be. And I am forever grateful for Nicole, and love she had for me to show me what she could offer to help make my and my family's life easier. I'm so blessed to call her my friend, and have her in my life. The love and selflessness she has given to me was beyond anything I could of ever imagined. She has done more for me than just show me what essential oils are. She's changed my outlook on a lot of things in my life, and I can't even begin to thank her for it. 

I hope you can do the same for someone else. 
It doesn't have to be something like this. 

It could be a conversation with the lady who's baby is screaming his face off in Target. 
Or a meal for the mom who is on her chick cycle, and can't move. [Cookies are always mandatory with those deliveries ladies ;)] 

Anything and everything we do for one another makes a difference, and makes this world a better place. And that is the world I want Renner, and possibly, future children to be apart of. 

My pain might get the best of me somedays. But I refuse to ever allow it to take away my hope. Because really, having hope is all I have to beat this.

Resolutions / 2015.

Happy New Year, my homies! 

2014 was a hell of a year for us! Here are some of the fun, exciting things that happened //

Ren turned 1 /  I turned 23 / Keagan turned 25 / 
Roxy turned 6 / Chris Pratt turned 35 (Hallelujah).
We celebrated our 3rd Anniversary.
Keagan switched jobs.
We finally got cable so we can watch Ellen.
We went to our first ever MMA Fight Night - Best Birthday Surprise ever.
Ren started to become more toddler like - I'm crying on the inside.
We did a bit of traveling, and spent a week in paradise that is Waterton.
Sharknado 2 was born.
Ren broke his arm.

Justin Bieber got arrested.
I got into a good rhythm of posting on my blog.. then lost it.
We rescued a cat, and then had a litter of kittens on our bed.

How I Met Your Mother aired its final episode, and it was so disappointing. 

& The Jurassic World trailer was released.

All in all, it was a fun 365 days spent with my favorite people. I think it was a huge learning period for us though, as a couple, parents, and just as individuals in general. It taught us heavily about clinging to one another, and Heavenly Father when things got hard, and not to lash out at each other. It was probably one of the hardest years we've had so far. Mentally, emotionally, and financially. But it was a meaningful year because we got through it together.

So this year we have decided to come up with resolutions that will help benefit us together as a family. We did make personal ones, like, make more homemade meals - me, keep up better with laundry - me, be less of a d-bag - me... You see a pattern? Here are some of ours //

We created more as the days went on. But here are the ones I personally made to myself to better our marriage, my parenting skills, and my well being // 

1. BE SILLY & PLAY.

I sometimes get so caught up in the negative, and adulthood, that I don't just act silly. Keagan and I have had many talks about how I don't just have fun, and relax. I don't know how I became this way. I remember in High School always being the one cracking jokes, rapping stupid things, and laughing all the time. All the time. Then one day a switch just flipped, and I started taking life a little too seriously. Which is completely LAME. We get one chance at this life, and I'll be damned if I'm not going to have fun livin' it. I want Renner to see his mama laughing, and being silly. Making him laugh. Making his Dad laugh. I want that in our home. In our lives. So that is my main resolution.

2. SPEAK SOFTER // LISTEN HARDER.

I have a loud voice. It's quieted down a bit ever since having Ren, but I still have my moments. Especially, when the Mommy Monster comes a roarin'. But I want to become a listener. I love hearing people tell me their stories. But I especially love Keagan's stories, and just hearing him talk in general. You hear some wives say that they hate hearing about their husband's days at work, and how they tune them out, or just don't care. But I love his. My day is at home with Ren. His day is there. So I honestly crave to hear about it. I don't necessarily understand a lot of his work lingo, but I try to. I want to. I want to become better at listening when we are arguing. I want to be better at listening to how he feels, even if it might not going along with how I'm necessarily feeling.

3. SHAKE IT OFF.

This has a couple different meanings, but the first one is to dance! Dancing releases so much tension in my body. Renner and I have jam sessions all the time, and just dance the day away. We dance when we clean. We dance when we cook. We are always dancing. He loves it. Keagan loves it. I love watching Keagan dance. It's great.

The second meaning is to let things go. Shake it off, and just let it flow, let it go.

4. LOVE.

One of my favorite sayings in our marriage is "Let's Get Naked". And one of my favorite friends, Lindsay, has the BEST blog, I think, for couples, that is amazingly named, Show Up Naked With Food. Seriously I love it, and her. BUT one of her posts gave me a brilliant idea that I have been wanting to try, and what more appropriate timing to try new things than New Years resolutions!

So, with that, we have made a resolution to do something intimate every night for the next month. Whether it's actually doing the deed, or just snuggling naked watching a movie, we've made the deal and sealed it with a kiss. {Even if we're tired. Even if we're sick.} I have noticed a complete change in our relationship even after the last few days. We're laughing more. We're more loving and affectionate towards each other. I recommend all of you awesome couples to give it a try. You won't regret it.

For Christmas, I gave Keagan a secret love photobook that was filled with sexy, but elegant pics of me. & I was a bit terrified to give them to him. Why? I have no idea. Because it was a new experience, and I've never done anything like that before. And although Keagan has seen every inch of me, this was still a leap. Luckily, one of my closest friends, who is an amazing photographer, took them, and the part of taking the photos wasn't embarrassing or completely filled with anxiety. But he was in complete awe when I gave it to him. SCORE.

I think that also boosted our relationship to another level of trust, and love, and I think that's what makes marriage so much fun. You can do that kind of stuff for each other, and constantly find new ways to make things fresh, and fun. That is what this resolution is about. Finding new ways to say "I love you" without actually saying it, and to be intimate with each other. Can't say I'll complain about this one ;)

5. TAKE MOMENTS IN.

This one is especially hard for me, and one that I have been diligently trying to do. I always feel so rushed, and out of sorts most days. So I've been trying to just stop, and take a look around at my life and breathe it all in. Life goes by so fast, and I've noticed it a lot more since having Ren. He will be 2 in February, and it freaks me out. I remember when I was still nursing him like it was yesterday, and now he can ask for his own drink, and even put his own clothes away. (Crying on the inside again.)

I also have had trouble with relaxing. There are moments when Keagan will sweetly ask me to snuggle with him, and I will, but all I do is start thinking about stupid things, like how is how messy the house is, or how I only have a certain amount of time to get things done while Ren is napping, and not appropriate things, like how good he smells or how comforting his heartbeat is. I wasn't IN the moment with him, and I've missed a lot of good conversations, and took away the moment to just feel loved because I was too busy to take it in.

6. GIVE MORE TIME.

Giving my time is also a hard one. With my busy mind, comes an anxiety that I don't have enough time to do everything I need. I become distracted, and don't get my undivided attention to Keagan's needs, or even my own. I forget some days to even brush my hair, so I've vowed to start taking better care of myself. I'm going to start drinking more water, and actually use my 7 Minute workout app. Make healthy homemade meals. Start reading my scriptures. Stop watching TV so much, and start reading. Become more creative. Start going above and beyond with helping others, and giving service. No more excuses. I'm just going to do it.

7. BUDGETING.

There really doesn't need an explanation for that right? I'm the worst with money. Keagan isn't. Luckily, we are balanced in that way. I've certainly gotten a lot better than in the first year we were married. Probably because the thought of taking Ren to the store by myself to go shopping for anything other than food makes me cringe. But we have decided to become better at budgeting, and sticking to it.

8. PRAY HARDER.

I know I personally get caught up in all of the worldly things going on in my life, and my spirituality gets put on the back burner. Which isn't right. To myself, or my family. I love the feeling my home has when we have been reading our scriptures, going to church, and praying. There's more warmth, and love. This year I want more love, and less contention. More praying, and less complaining. More serving, and less taking. Heavenly Father will become the center of our family.

You guys seriously all rock and are my fave, and I want to know all of YOUR resolutions, and vows. You can tell me them in the comments, or if you have a blog, link it up below so others, including me, can see it too!

REAL TALK | A Look Behind The Glass

This is my story about my fight with endometriosis. 

 I know there are women out there, like me, who suffer through the same thing I am, 
and reading their stories makes me feel uplifted, and hopefully. 

So, here is a little piece of my vulnerability given to you. 
This is a long post - you've been warned.

I've always struggled with being vulnerable. I have never liked the feelings it brings when I give someone a piece of me that is so delicate, that one wrong move could literally break me. It terrifies me. The only person I have truly been able to be vulnerable with, beside my family, has been Keagan. 
So here it goes yo.

I have Stage IV Endometriosis, and Pelvic Congestion Syndrome {PCS}, along with Graves Disease (but that's a different story entirely). I was diagnosed with "Endo" in high school, and as far as the PCS, who truly knows. I doubt doctors really even looked for it in the 10 surgeries I've had for it. Luckily, my amazing doctor, who delivered Renner, did. These diseases aren't life threatening. But can be horrifically damaging to your uterus, and surrounding parts. They are both extremely painful. And can cause infertility.

In my case, the majority of pain is always on my right side. Has been since I got my period at 8 years old. Some days, I truly would give my right arm to go through labor, on repeat. 

There are days where I literally just can't get out of bed. Where I can't even hold Renner in my arms for long periods of time; even having him sit on my lap at times is unbearable. I can't stand up in shower, some days. I have to sit on our bathroom sink to do my makeup. Keagan has to call into work for the third day in a row to help me; or will receive a stressful phone call in the middle of his busy day to come home, because I can't pick Ren up out of his crib. Our love life is complicated. Making dinners is sometimes far, and few between. The house is messy. Our room is in constant disarray with laundry. Every step I take on a walk is like a knife churning inside, and sending shock waves down my legs, and around my lower back. My body suffers from not being able to work out. My mind suffers. Everyone in our home suffers. 

It's a pain that travels through my lower back, into my lower abdomen, through my hips and inside my thighs. Sometimes even on the outside of my lady area. It's like a razor blade is making it's way through me. Crying makes it worse, but you have to have some way to release the tension that is wrecking your body. Heating pads + baths only help so much. And you can only take so many pain pills before your comatose. So what are you left with except self loathing that this is the body you were born into? What's left except the thoughts of taking your own life because what kind of life is this? 


They say, "Pregnancy is suppose to stop the pain". 

It doesn't. 

They say, "You're only suppose to have pain during your period". 

You don't.

They say, "Take out your uterus because that will cure you."

It won't.

And you know what I say to all those myths?
GO. TO. H E L L.


I experienced my worst pains while pregnant + a week before my period.
I am in pain 24/7. And while pills give me relief, it doesn't take it away.
Oils help. Not eating certain foods help. Baths help. Heating pads help.
But it doesn't eliminate it.

But you know, with all of these shitty trials, never once has Keagan made me feel like inadequate wife, or mother, and has never made me feel unloved. And trust me I've felt like it plenty of times. I can't always protect my mind from unwanted thoughts. There have been many breakdowns in our home. I am definitely not the easiest patient, I'll admit. When I'm feeling insecure, I lash out because I don't feel safe inside my own body. I know that he would like to come home to a home cooked meal, and clean house every night. I know that I would love my house to stay organized for more than a day. I would love to be able to bathe Ren every night without struggling to bend over the bathtub. Or bend down to load + unload the dishwasher without my uterus feeling like its about to fall out or rip apart completely. 


There are so many things I would love to be able to do, but can't. And some days, it weighs on me, and is hard to accept it. Having to rely on pain medicine to help me function is beyond frustrating, and emotionally difficult. But besides all of the negatives that are taking place inside my body + mind, there are so many positives to be joyous about.  Like, that we were able to have Renner in the first place. And, although it is painful, I still have the ability to walk. I have my mind. I have my faith. I have the unconditional love and support from my husband, Heavenly Father, and family. I have been blessed in more way than I can count. And while I may not have complete control over this trial, but I do have control over how I handle it, and that truly makes the difference in my life.

I have my faith. I have my accountability. I have a crap load of love + charity in my heart. I have the ability see, and feel the beautiful things around me. Like this incredibly beautiful kid I popped out - even with all the shit my uterus goes through.

Are there days where my overthinking, and pain get the best of me? Absolutely. I wouldn't be human if I didn't. Some days it's hard to remember the good days, especially when I'm curled in a ball writhing in pain on the kitchen floor, with my face laying next to the crumbs from Ren's "cook cooks". 

It pushes me to my limits, and at times makes me break. But that's why we call these things, trials. They are meant to push, and test us. I was told in the summer of 2011, that I had maybe a year left to get pregnant, because of how badly damaged my uterus was from endometrial scarring. And in 2012, I had an ER doctor tell me this straight to my face after hours of agonizing pain, and a questionable miscarriage, "I don't care if it's a cyst, endometriosis, or whatever - You. Will. Not. Get. Pregnant." And with that she threw up the peace sign, and walked out. Well, they obviously were wrong. 

I've had so many doctors thinking I only wanted the drugs, or that I was a hypochondriac or even depressed, and my head was making up the pain. I've had plenty of doctors that have made me bawl my eyes out, or made me see the hospital psych because they thought my pain was "emotional related".

Sometimes, people can't understand, or empathize the pain you're going through because they can't see it. I've had only 1 doctor in my entire life, actually sit me down, and showed me nothing but love, and understanding. She never once made me feel crazy, or like I was some pill popping fiend. And I gotta say, it was probably the best feeling in the world to just be validated, and heard by a doctor.

I remember the first time I saw her I was 5 months pregnant with Renner. I was doing dishes late that night, and I had the worst pain rip through me and some blood pour out of me. We immediately went to the hospital terrified we were losing the baby. I told her my entire past, and she sat with me, and held my hand as I cried through the pain. She looked at me, and told me that the baby was fine, and it was just the scar tissue ripping around my uterus and just caused some trauma. But Ren was safe. She told me not to worry about anything because she was going to be my doctor for now on, and that she will be delivering my baby. The relief we felt was beyond anything we've ever experienced with this. Finally! SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD, and was hearing us out. Heavenly Father had answered our prayers.

Heavenly Father has been my light through all of this. He has answered many of my prayers. He helps me through the worst of my pain, and sometimes takes it away for brief moments. He is there for me, in a way that most can't be. Being vulnerable is a hard thing for me to do, but He knows me, and my heart. He sees the parts of me that I can't explain in words, or even thoughts. 

Through these trials I have become more grateful, more loving, compassionate, and understanding toward others. 

I am grateful for Him, and his unfailing grace surrounding me, and my family. 

I am grateful that even through all of this I was able to carry, and bare a healthy child. 

I am grateful for Keagan, and the love and support he surrounds me with. He has never belittled my pain, or my thoughts. Never casted me aside, or deemed me damaged. He has always been by my side, and has never let me feel less than. His love, and faith gives me more than enough strength.

I am grateful for the tiny fingers that move the hair out of my face so he can see me, and give me a big smile, and giggle. That right there will make any heart skip a beat, and find pure bliss in.

I am grateful to have a Mom, and had Dad who were so determined, and strong willed to never let the doctors, when I was younger, and now, to brush me aside, and call my pain a sign of depression, or made up. They never once doubted me, and never took no for an answer. 

I am grateful for my entire league of a family. My blood, In-Laws, and the friends who are my family. Whose never ending love, compassion, meals on "those" nights, phone calls, watching Ren for a few hours, driving me to hospitals, giving me countless of boosts and inspirational talks and snuggles, help at church, bath mixtures made, slushies brought to me, and countless of other things, have all made the difference in my life, and has made it so beyond wonderful. You all are rockstars to me. 

I am beyond grateful for all my Endo Sisters who understand and are also fighting their own battles with this painful disease. You are incredibly brave women and I love each and everyone of you. To those who have shared your stories with me, and have held me while I cried, you have made me stronger by sharing your love. You are my shining stars + heroes.

Vulnerability comes in all different ways. Mine is sharing my pains, letting people see it, and asking for help. Coming to terms with this disease that I have has helped me morph into a better person. And I hope that by sharing this piece with you, that it will help those who struggle to come to terms of their own vulnerabilities, and will give you the strength to express it.

You can find more on my endo journey -  h e r e.

*Quote designs like these are made by me. If you want to use these images please ask, or link back to me. Thank you! :)

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Magic of Moms.

Motherhood ; The highest and most holiest calling.  

Being a mom is terrifying. It's hard, painful, and rewarding; exciting, gross {at times}, and sticky; exhausting, stressful, and wonderful.  But most of all, it's beautiful. 

I woke up at 3 this morning with thoughts bursting around my mind. At a few failed attempts to go back to sleep, I got up and decided to watch an episode, or four, of House (my favee). 6 AM rolled around, and I still wasn't tired. I heard Renner start to stir. {When he usually wakes up this early we give him a bottle of milk, and he goes back to sleep - monnayyy, what whaat.} Then I decided to go back to bed before Keagan had to get up for work in a half an hour to get some extra snuggles in.

As I laid there I kept thinking about what it was like before we had Renner. Being "newly" married was so much fun. We could hop in the car at anytime we wanted, and head to the gas station for some late night treats. Or go on a spontaneous trip to some crazy place, and not have to worry about packing a bunch of stuff. Just grab what we needed, then bounce.

Life was so much simpler then. We didn't over think everything. We never had to worry about "baby proofing". It didn't matter if we left our Dr. Pepper cans on our coffee table, or food (well, actually anything for that matter). But it was missing something.

It was missing the food on the ground. The midnight dashes in desperation hoping to find any open gas station, close to our house, to get a jug of milk. The christened 3 P's {pee, poo, puke} on every piece of furniture. The never ending squeal and laughter ringing through out our halls. The sense of love, and the Spirit so strongly felt. The crumbs all over our feet from his "cook cook's". The pots, pans, and tupperware spewed all over our kitchen. The little finger prints that cake our TV, and can't bare to wash off because we know one day they won't be there. The open mouth kisses. The playing chase around the house, and having him laugh hysterically. We were missing, him.

Sometimes, as mom's, we don't feel adequate, and equipped enough to handle certain situations that are placed in front of us. I know I do. I am terrified most of the time. But whenever I feel doubt, I kneel down, and I pray for strength. Almost immediately, I feel relief. I feel uplifted.


Having this little person always counting on you.
Always.. wanting and needing your attention, and for you to hold them.
Needing every spare second you have to throw a ball, back and forth.
Watching them take their first tentative steps toward you. 

Having you sit in their room for half an hour, so they can show you
every single toy they have for the millionth time. 

Saying their first words. 

It's beautiful.

I am humbled, everyday. I am reminded that I am not here on this Earth for myself. I'm here to help grow, and strengthen my family. Being a mother has pushed me to look deep within myself, and find out who I truly am.

Renner, has rocked my view of the world. I never would have guessed that I would become a mom at 21. {Seriously, I would of laughed in your face if you told me that I would be a couple years ago.} It was an amazing surprise when we found out. 2 weeks prior I found out my Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer. He passed away 6 weeks after that, but he went knowing that his baby girl was going to be baring a new life. I knew with a surety that Heavenly Father wouldn't take my Dad, without giving me a boy in return. I just, knew. Now, along with some awesome traits of his, he also carries my dad's middle name. 

{Renner Duane Paisley}

Every day there is a new found struggle in my days as a mom. But everyday is there is also magic to be found.

I am blessed to have a mom that shows me unconditional love, and support. She is my best friend, and my hero. I wouldn't be here without her. (Literally) She answers all of my frantic phone calls when I think Ren might be dying, and she always lovingly tells me, he will be fine. I am proud to say that some of her eccentric, and sometimes frazzled, personality is rubbing off on me. She is my number 1. 

I am blessed to have an amazing mother-in-law, who raised Keagan to be such an amazing man. Who shared with him the Gospel. And showed him all the beautiful in this life, even with all the horrors he faced as a youth. 

I am blessed to have the 2 most amazing sisters in my life; that always acted like they were my mom ;) 

I am grateful for all of the women in my life, and those around me.

Now, I don't know if my body will be able to handle another pregnancy. We will try. But if it was only meant to be for one, I will gladly accept that. Heavenly Father allowed me to experience this beautiful moment. I have learned more about life, and love in the past 14 months, than in my entire 22 years on this Earth.

I am so proud, and honored to be able to have the title, Mom.

Happy Mothers Day, to all of you beautiful ladies. 

#itwasmom

Amazing Friend & Some Photos.

My amazing friend, Alyssa, did a photo shoot of Ren & me a few weeks ago. It was such a fun, and special time with me and my cute boy, just laying on our bed laughing, and just being real. He loves when I hold him up in the air, and when we are just snuggling.  

{If you look closely you can see a kiss on his cheek from my lipstick.} 
 I love candid photos like these, and Alyssa knows exactly what she is doing. 

This girl has some straight raw talent that she was blessed with. There are so many photographers in the world today, but not all of them can capture moments like these, and know the exact time to push the trigger, so your clients have that precious moment frozen forever. You have to feel the moment, and be in it with the person (people) you are trying to capture.

Her blog & website are /

Studio Camp Photography {Blog}

Studio Camp Photography {Website}

 

  

"...and she loved a little boy very, very much --

                                          even more than she loved

                                                                                        herself."

- "The Giving Tree"

Why I Blog.

I have been asked multiple times;

Why do you blog?

What's in it for you?

& Why do you love it so much?  

{These are my answers.}

"Why do you blog?"

I like to think this blog is not so much about me but more about the things that inspire me.

It helps me grow, and has taught me more about myself, and life.. 

It has helped me to learn to become vulnerable, and see things in a different light. 

We all have been through the ringer in our lives.
And we all can relate to each other. In one way, or another. 

I want this to be a place of comfort, inspiration, and love, with dash of humor.
For myself, and anyone who wants to be apart of it.

"What's in it for me?"

I get to express myself in a real, genuine way.
I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not.

I love writing about being a mom and wife, and a lot of different things on how I'm feeling on a personal level, because they are what makes me - Me.   

Writing on my blog helps me learn how to express myself in a whole new way. 

Blogging is for others, as much as is it for myself, and family.

So, what's in it for me?
I get to share my experiences, successes, failures, love, loss..

It comforts me. And it comforts others, because they know, they aren't alone in how they feel.

We are all real people, with real stories.
And this is a piece of mine.

        "Why do you love it so much?"

Writing is my passion. 

I love writing my real, raw feelings, and thoughts out. 

It has become a safe place for me to go, and write about what I feel I need too. 

{Share my personal testimony of God, about being a wife, the birth of our son, struggles, anything motherhood..}

I enjoy going through different blogs, and learning about others, so much. 

I love reading their stories, and the magic in their lives.

No one has a picture perfect life.

Mine is full of trials, and tribulations scattered all over the map.

But that is what makes life more beautiful, and special. 

When we experience real pain, only then can we experience real joy.

Life is beautiful, and scary.

And I wouldn't want mine any other way.

Find your inspiration. Search and discover your talents.

It's amazing what you learn about your life, the more you take time to live it.

You Will Never Be This Loved Again.

I knew something was wrong.

Ren had fallen eariler that day. 

A pretty bad one. 

He didn't react to it like he usually does. 

Which is cry for a couple minutes, then move on. 

I had to take him on a walk to clear his head, and make him feel better. 

We had just gotten, and I had laid Renner in bed to take his afternoon nap when I heard him start screaming.

That blood curdling scream. And you immediately know. Something isn't right.

I rushed into his room to see his arm entangled in his crib bars, and I slowly pull him out.

I didn't really think to much of it, because this wasn't the first time this had happened.

Rogue came to investigate. Usually whenever she is around Renner gets so excited, but he wasn't.

He tried to pet her with his right arm, stopped midway, and then started crying.

 I put him on the ground while I grabbed his blankie, and noticed he couldn't put his full weight on that arm.

He fell to his right every time he tried to crawl.

My heart sank. I felt absolutely sickened.

I didn't know if he was falling because of the fall he had, or his arm got twisted in the bars. 

I called Keagan in to come and see what was happening.

Naturally, he wanted to see what Ren was doing, but I was so protective that I snapped because
I knew what was going to happen, and I didn't want to cause him anymore pain.

But Keagan was so loving, and calm. I let Ren crawl. He fell on his right side, and started crying.

I swooped him up, and held him to calm him down. 

I told Keagan we're going to the hospital. Now.

I really don't think we've ever gotten ready, and in the car that fast before.

I wanted to go to the Stollery's Children Hospital, but the Whitemud {quickest road to get there} was completely packed bumper to bumper. So, we just decided to go to the Misericordia - it's right down the street from us, and it was the hospital that he was born in.

We get him checked in, and was told to go take a seat in the waiting room.

We had a lot of really nice people there with us. Which made it bearable.

They made Renner laugh, as much as he could.
I think that was Heavenly Father's way of saying,
"This is why you weren't meant to go to the Stollery. To meet these amazing people. And to be comforted by them."

2 1/2 hours later, we finally get called back to see a triage doctor.

He wanted to take some x-rays, and he was thinking that it could be his collarbone, but he wasn't sure.

Finally, he gets called to go get x-rays.

I take him back by myself. Since it was only going to be a few minutes.

I told the x-ray techs that it was his wrist, and forearm that seems to be hurting the worst, and that they should x-ray that as well.
They said they would call the doctor after the collarbone one.

It was awful.

I felt like a mother lion pacing back and forth in front of the X-Ray room.

He was screaming so loud. So painfully.

I was holding onto his shirt so tightly my knuckles were white.

Onlookers were sympathetic.

But the kindest lady to me was a porter, who had brought me and Ren to the x-ray area.

She was so loving, and stood with me while we waited for them to be done. 

When they opened the door, I was greeted by a smile, and tears weld up in his eyes.

He was holding a cute sticker.

They handed him to me, and he clung to me for dear life.

Whimpering, and nuzzling his head in my shoulder.

The doctor came, and looked at the collarbone x-rays.

He didn't see anything, so he wanted to do more.

I brought Ren back into that dimly lit room, and laid him on the hard surface.

Immediately the tears came back, and he grabbed onto my hoodie.

Desperate for me to hold him again.

Tears flooded my eyes.

They asked me to leave, and I turned around and walked out the door.

Then began the longest 10 minutes of my life.

I don't think I've ever felt so protective than in those dreadful moments.

I wanted to bust the door down, and attack everyone causing my baby to cry that hard.

I knew the contraption they were strapping him in was hurting him.

I could hear it. And they couldn't soothe him as well as I could.

I felt so sick. So helpless. So sad. So guilty.

I just wanted to hold him.

Finally they were done.

They opened the door, and there was that smile again.

I grabbed him, and he started crying.

But not a sad cry. Almost like a, "where have you been?" whimper.

They told us to wait for the porter to lead us back to the waiting room.

The doctor will find us to tell us the results in a few.

I showed him the paintings on the wall while I rocked and sang to him.

He calmed down. Gave the nice older couple a smile, 

while they reassured him he was safe.

He was in mom's arms now. And he was safe.

The sweet lady came, and found us again. She got Ren to smile, even giggle at her.

She told me of how her son had fallen many times.

Busted his head open 3 days before his 1st birthday. Broken his arm a week before his second.

"It never ends sweetie", she said. "It hurts us way more than it hurts them."

Ain't that the truth.

As soon as I saw Keagan I felt immediate relief.

He tried to hold Renner, but he wouldn't let go of me.

We waited for 30/45 minutes when the doctor came back around.

His arm wasn't broken.

But it's badly sprained.

He told us to give him Advil every 6 hours, until his arm heals.

Which should be in a week or 2.

Relief washed over me.

Nothing was broken.

Just sprained.

He didn't see the need to cast it, or sling it because Renner would find that more annoying than the actual sprain itself.
So just keep his activities minimum, and make sure he rests that arm.

I laughed to myself. Good luck, was all I was thinking. 

Renner is beyond active.

Even today, after everything he went through, he still is determined to crawl.

If only a split second on that right hand, he does.

We've been encouraging walking a lot more now.

But he just hobbles on his knees to get around now.

Oh how I love him, and his determination.

My sister in law, Becky, told me // Welcome to the Mothers Club!

Apparently, now I'm a member, haha. Like I wasn't already after giving birth.

But now I'm initiated.

I feel honored to be apart of it.

There is a silent, almost, unspoken bond between us mothers.

We are there for each other.

We cheer each other on.

Are there for one another.

Never judging. Always loving.

We all make mistakes.

We all have raging moments. And moments of pure bliss.

We have messy houses, unmade beds, toys spewed across the floor,
puke in our hair, poo on our clothes.. sometimes couch, unbrushed hair.. and teeth,
more dirty laundry than clean..

But we are also full of an undying love.

Love for our babies. These magnificent creatures that we grew inside our bodies.

I am grateful for these feelings of protection for my sweet boy.
I am grateful for the ways that motherhood pushes me beyond my limit.
I am grateful for the unconditional love, and support from my husband.
I am full of more love than I ever have been in my entire life.
And I am so blessed for all of it.


"You will never be this loved again. So on those days when you are feeling stressed out, touched out, and depleted; Just remember that you will never be this loved again. One day you will long for their affection. So choose a soft voice. Choose a gentle hand. Choose love."
- AK