disclaimer // You should probably read {this post} before you start reading, just to get a baseline of where I am coming from. Also, I do not think that the oils have "healed" me, only have helped me tremendously. I still believe in the power of doctors, and the amazing things that they can do. Oils affect people in different ways, and you should talk to your oil specialist &/or doctor about it if you think you liked to start using them. thank you.

I felt like I had lost faith. 
And hope. 
In doctors. 
In myself. 
Falling into the darkest place in my mind. 
And I needed help out. 
I needed something/someone to bring me out, or rather yank me out. 

But not my hair, please.

I love the doctors I have now. I am extremely blessed to have finally found them, but it's taken me a long journey to get to this place. 10 surgeries from doctors, who have straight up told me, 

I can fix this 

I can get rid of this, and take your pain away completely 

This WILL work 

Only then to come to me afterward in my groggy state, and tell me that it would take a miracle for me to get pregnant, and I will most likely have to get a full hysterectomy before I'm 21. 

I am beyond grateful that they attempted to help me. And that their hearts were in the right place - at the time. But then once they realized I was a "lost cause", they just wrote me off. Gave me a script of pain meds, and sent me on my way. 

I lost faith that I could ever feel normal. Or better. Even to just get to a safe place in my own body, and mind. It was a hard thing for me to get a grip on. It was a hard thing to tell my soon to be husband, that I would most likely never get pregnant. I was 20 when a miracle happened only 9 months into our marriage. 

Those two beautiful lines that appeared on the pregnancy test.

I didn't really think I was pregnant. It was even a fluke that I even tested myself. I went through a phase of getting overly excited, thinking I might be, in the first couple months we were married, but all the negatives were just a deeper spin with the knife. But the my sweet sister in law talked me into just "making sure" one night. 

That warm rush of love that completely washed over me when I saw it was positive was indescribable. And it's a feeling I'll never forget.

Skip ahead a year and a half later, and we come to now. 
We have been married for 3 years, and have, an almost, 2 year old. 
I remember one hard day when I was talking to Keagan on the phone, while he was on his way to work. 

I was crying to him. Telling him how I don't feel like a good wife, or mother. He told me to make an appointment with my doctor because he wanted to talk to her about a type of surgery that he had researched. I snapped at him that I wasn't going to go back under the knife, less than a year after my last one.

I told him I have zero faith in doctors. I'm done with false hope, and ideas. 

He said to me, "You aren't allowed to lose hope. You aren't allowed to lose faith. You need to find hope in something, because false hope doesn't exist. You will beat this. You are stronger than this. I need you stronger than this."

I needed that wake up call. I've been becoming a person I don't necessarily like because I'm letting this disease get the better of me. I refuse to let it.

Now enter in my amazing neighbor, Nicole. 
We live in the same building, and she lives in the room directly across from us. 
We had met a couple times, just saying hi, and the usual neighborly things. 
But then one day things changed. I can remember I was struggling that day. 
Keagan couldn't come home from work early, so I took Ren to the park to be outside, and get worn out. Nicole was there with her 2 youngest babes, and they were pushing Ren on the swing. We started talking, and then I ended up telling her everything that was going on with me. It was a little difficult to tell her because, well, I don't really tell anyone that part of myself. I don't think it has to do with embarrassment, or anything other than me not being able to let myself become vulnerable. But I literally felt this warmth come over me, reassuring me that I can trust her, and I am so glad that I did.

She made me feel so loved, and immediately asked what she could do for me. She told me that she is a Rep for Doterra, and that she would love to look up some oils that might be able to help me. I had heard about Doterra a few times from various friends, but I never really paid much attention to it. My thoughts were, "If actual doctors can't help me, or help alleviate my pain, what much can oils do?" She told me that she'd bring me over samples that night, and we'd go from there. She probably brought me over 10 samples, and had me try different combinations, and see what ones helped the best. 

It's taken me a little bit to start to see and feel a difference, but I do feel it. I see it in my family. I can feel it in myself. There are days when the oils aren't enough, but I'm hoping eventually I will get to the point where they will be. 

The ones I use the most are Clary Calm, & Lavendar. I'm slowly getting more in my collection, but I haven't been so excited about something like this in a long time. I haven't had hope like this in a long time. If Nicole hadn't been willing to go above and beyond for me, at that point, a stranger to her, I don't know where I would be right now or how I would be feeling. 

The saying, "it takes a village" is so completely accurate. It really does. We need to be there for each other. 

As women. 

As moms. 

As sisters. 

We are a community of hope and light, and it's our duty to share it with others. To share it with our sisters around us, and help each other when times are tough. Not beat each other down, and judge one another. Our love is eternal. Just like our service should be. And I am forever grateful for Nicole, and love she had for me to show me what she could offer to help make my and my family's life easier. I'm so blessed to call her my friend, and have her in my life. The love and selflessness she has given to me was beyond anything I could of ever imagined. She has done more for me than just show me what essential oils are. She's changed my outlook on a lot of things in my life, and I can't even begin to thank her for it. 

I hope you can do the same for someone else. 
It doesn't have to be something like this. 

It could be a conversation with the lady who's baby is screaming his face off in Target. 
Or a meal for the mom who is on her chick cycle, and can't move. [Cookies are always mandatory with those deliveries ladies ;)] 

Anything and everything we do for one another makes a difference, and makes this world a better place. And that is the world I want Renner, and possibly, future children to be apart of. 

My pain might get the best of me somedays. But I refuse to ever allow it to take away my hope. Because really, having hope is all I have to beat this.

REAL TALK | A Look Behind The Glass

This is my story about my fight with endometriosis. 

 I know there are women out there, like me, who suffer through the same thing I am, 
and reading their stories makes me feel uplifted, and hopefully. 

So, here is a little piece of my vulnerability given to you. 
This is a long post - you've been warned.

I've always struggled with being vulnerable. I have never liked the feelings it brings when I give someone a piece of me that is so delicate, that one wrong move could literally break me. It terrifies me. The only person I have truly been able to be vulnerable with, beside my family, has been Keagan. 
So here it goes yo.

I have Stage IV Endometriosis, and Pelvic Congestion Syndrome {PCS}, along with Graves Disease (but that's a different story entirely). I was diagnosed with "Endo" in high school, and as far as the PCS, who truly knows. I doubt doctors really even looked for it in the 10 surgeries I've had for it. Luckily, my amazing doctor, who delivered Renner, did. These diseases aren't life threatening. But can be horrifically damaging to your uterus, and surrounding parts. They are both extremely painful. And can cause infertility.

In my case, the majority of pain is always on my right side. Has been since I got my period at 8 years old. Some days, I truly would give my right arm to go through labor, on repeat. 

There are days where I literally just can't get out of bed. Where I can't even hold Renner in my arms for long periods of time; even having him sit on my lap at times is unbearable. I can't stand up in shower, some days. I have to sit on our bathroom sink to do my makeup. Keagan has to call into work for the third day in a row to help me; or will receive a stressful phone call in the middle of his busy day to come home, because I can't pick Ren up out of his crib. Our love life is complicated. Making dinners is sometimes far, and few between. The house is messy. Our room is in constant disarray with laundry. Every step I take on a walk is like a knife churning inside, and sending shock waves down my legs, and around my lower back. My body suffers from not being able to work out. My mind suffers. Everyone in our home suffers. 

It's a pain that travels through my lower back, into my lower abdomen, through my hips and inside my thighs. Sometimes even on the outside of my lady area. It's like a razor blade is making it's way through me. Crying makes it worse, but you have to have some way to release the tension that is wrecking your body. Heating pads + baths only help so much. And you can only take so many pain pills before your comatose. So what are you left with except self loathing that this is the body you were born into? What's left except the thoughts of taking your own life because what kind of life is this? 


They say, "Pregnancy is suppose to stop the pain". 

It doesn't. 

They say, "You're only suppose to have pain during your period". 

You don't.

They say, "Take out your uterus because that will cure you."

It won't.

And you know what I say to all those myths?
GO. TO. H E L L.


I experienced my worst pains while pregnant + a week before my period.
I am in pain 24/7. And while pills give me relief, it doesn't take it away.
Oils help. Not eating certain foods help. Baths help. Heating pads help.
But it doesn't eliminate it.

But you know, with all of these shitty trials, never once has Keagan made me feel like inadequate wife, or mother, and has never made me feel unloved. And trust me I've felt like it plenty of times. I can't always protect my mind from unwanted thoughts. There have been many breakdowns in our home. I am definitely not the easiest patient, I'll admit. When I'm feeling insecure, I lash out because I don't feel safe inside my own body. I know that he would like to come home to a home cooked meal, and clean house every night. I know that I would love my house to stay organized for more than a day. I would love to be able to bathe Ren every night without struggling to bend over the bathtub. Or bend down to load + unload the dishwasher without my uterus feeling like its about to fall out or rip apart completely. 


There are so many things I would love to be able to do, but can't. And some days, it weighs on me, and is hard to accept it. Having to rely on pain medicine to help me function is beyond frustrating, and emotionally difficult. But besides all of the negatives that are taking place inside my body + mind, there are so many positives to be joyous about.  Like, that we were able to have Renner in the first place. And, although it is painful, I still have the ability to walk. I have my mind. I have my faith. I have the unconditional love and support from my husband, Heavenly Father, and family. I have been blessed in more way than I can count. And while I may not have complete control over this trial, but I do have control over how I handle it, and that truly makes the difference in my life.

I have my faith. I have my accountability. I have a crap load of love + charity in my heart. I have the ability see, and feel the beautiful things around me. Like this incredibly beautiful kid I popped out - even with all the shit my uterus goes through.

Are there days where my overthinking, and pain get the best of me? Absolutely. I wouldn't be human if I didn't. Some days it's hard to remember the good days, especially when I'm curled in a ball writhing in pain on the kitchen floor, with my face laying next to the crumbs from Ren's "cook cooks". 

It pushes me to my limits, and at times makes me break. But that's why we call these things, trials. They are meant to push, and test us. I was told in the summer of 2011, that I had maybe a year left to get pregnant, because of how badly damaged my uterus was from endometrial scarring. And in 2012, I had an ER doctor tell me this straight to my face after hours of agonizing pain, and a questionable miscarriage, "I don't care if it's a cyst, endometriosis, or whatever - You. Will. Not. Get. Pregnant." And with that she threw up the peace sign, and walked out. Well, they obviously were wrong. 

I've had so many doctors thinking I only wanted the drugs, or that I was a hypochondriac or even depressed, and my head was making up the pain. I've had plenty of doctors that have made me bawl my eyes out, or made me see the hospital psych because they thought my pain was "emotional related".

Sometimes, people can't understand, or empathize the pain you're going through because they can't see it. I've had only 1 doctor in my entire life, actually sit me down, and showed me nothing but love, and understanding. She never once made me feel crazy, or like I was some pill popping fiend. And I gotta say, it was probably the best feeling in the world to just be validated, and heard by a doctor.

I remember the first time I saw her I was 5 months pregnant with Renner. I was doing dishes late that night, and I had the worst pain rip through me and some blood pour out of me. We immediately went to the hospital terrified we were losing the baby. I told her my entire past, and she sat with me, and held my hand as I cried through the pain. She looked at me, and told me that the baby was fine, and it was just the scar tissue ripping around my uterus and just caused some trauma. But Ren was safe. She told me not to worry about anything because she was going to be my doctor for now on, and that she will be delivering my baby. The relief we felt was beyond anything we've ever experienced with this. Finally! SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD, and was hearing us out. Heavenly Father had answered our prayers.

Heavenly Father has been my light through all of this. He has answered many of my prayers. He helps me through the worst of my pain, and sometimes takes it away for brief moments. He is there for me, in a way that most can't be. Being vulnerable is a hard thing for me to do, but He knows me, and my heart. He sees the parts of me that I can't explain in words, or even thoughts. 

Through these trials I have become more grateful, more loving, compassionate, and understanding toward others. 

I am grateful for Him, and his unfailing grace surrounding me, and my family. 

I am grateful that even through all of this I was able to carry, and bare a healthy child. 

I am grateful for Keagan, and the love and support he surrounds me with. He has never belittled my pain, or my thoughts. Never casted me aside, or deemed me damaged. He has always been by my side, and has never let me feel less than. His love, and faith gives me more than enough strength.

I am grateful for the tiny fingers that move the hair out of my face so he can see me, and give me a big smile, and giggle. That right there will make any heart skip a beat, and find pure bliss in.

I am grateful to have a Mom, and had Dad who were so determined, and strong willed to never let the doctors, when I was younger, and now, to brush me aside, and call my pain a sign of depression, or made up. They never once doubted me, and never took no for an answer. 

I am grateful for my entire league of a family. My blood, In-Laws, and the friends who are my family. Whose never ending love, compassion, meals on "those" nights, phone calls, watching Ren for a few hours, driving me to hospitals, giving me countless of boosts and inspirational talks and snuggles, help at church, bath mixtures made, slushies brought to me, and countless of other things, have all made the difference in my life, and has made it so beyond wonderful. You all are rockstars to me. 

I am beyond grateful for all my Endo Sisters who understand and are also fighting their own battles with this painful disease. You are incredibly brave women and I love each and everyone of you. To those who have shared your stories with me, and have held me while I cried, you have made me stronger by sharing your love. You are my shining stars + heroes.

Vulnerability comes in all different ways. Mine is sharing my pains, letting people see it, and asking for help. Coming to terms with this disease that I have has helped me morph into a better person. And I hope that by sharing this piece with you, that it will help those who struggle to come to terms of their own vulnerabilities, and will give you the strength to express it.

You can find more on my endo journey -  h e r e.

*Quote designs like these are made by me. If you want to use these images please ask, or link back to me. Thank you! :)

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Final Round of Pregnancy.

I've hit my 35 weeks mark, and its been one crazy ride let me tell yah. Words can't even describe how I am so incredibly excited to see my cute baby boy! He is getting so big now I can barely breathe. That pesky swelling is finally starting to kick in. My ankles and hands are huge! And they ache like no mans business. Do you know how weird it is to feel water sloshing around in your feet? It's quite nasty. Also, my pelvis, hips, and lower back have never known such pain! I'm one centimeter dilated now, so the days are going by quick but not quick enough. Since his head is in the downward position now he is trying his absolute hardest to break out early - which I don't blame the little guy, it is quite cramped for space in there. I got head smashed so hard in my pelvis the other day by my sweet baby boy that I swear my water was going to break. I was petrified of the thought of labor in the early days of pregnancy, and now I feel that day can't get here faster.

My endometriosis hasn't been my biggest fan either these days since Ren has been getting bigger, stronger, and snuggling up in the most uncomfortable positions. This girl was just so lucky to be placed in the hospital for a week because of the awful pain on my right side - which is where my endo is the worst. They did let me go home when they knew I could handle pain management at home, and not go into preterm labor. Luckily all I really have to do these days now are watch some Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel on my Netflix, and snuggle with Roxy until my love bug makes his appearance. We had a preeclampsia scare this past week because I've been getting crazy bad headaches, seeing black dots, throwing up randomly, gained 11 pounds in a 5 day span, and my heart has felt like its about to explode out of my chest. Luckily all of my blood test are normal, and I don't have any protein in my urine, so for now I'm safe. But my doctor has been keeping a close eye on me. I will say that if I did end up getting preeclampsia this late in my pregnancy I won't be as terrified because Renner is just about full term, so it will be a lot easier to just get him out now than having to wait or put me on bed rest - depending how bad the preeclampsia got. But I'm safe for now! Which is a huge blessing because we don't even have our stuff from Calgary yet!

We are finally in our new home, and have been for the last month and a half. But since we don't have any of our stuff we've been "camping" which basically means that we've been sleeping on an air mattress, which might I add has been quite uncomfortable being 8 months pregnant. So sleep has been quite the adventure. I cannot wait until we have our cute boys room all set up! And also to have our bed, couch, kitchen stuff, coffee table, etc. You truly never realize what an awesome feeling it is to have a bed, until you don't. But this weekend we finally are getting everything! Luckily we do have our TV and have our internet set up so I'm not left with nothing to do. But man do I need to start nesting already! As soon as our house is nicely decorated, and actually has furniture in it, pictures of our humble abode will be posted!

Keagan and I have been trying to fit in date nights as much as possible since we know they will be rare in these months to come. But now that I feel like I'm holding a huge watermelon between my legs its been a challenge. We do try to make it out for wing night on Wednesday nights, because honestly who could pass up 39 cent wings? We also scored some awesome movie passes during Christmas time, and since we LOVE going to movies, we've been doing that a lot as well. Date nights with this incredibly amazing man are always a must, because these days of just him and I will be in short supply in about 4 1/2 weeks. Even if its only playing Call of Duty, and eating junk food - I'll take it.