NO. 

its happening again. 

i can’t breathe.

i can’t think. 

all I feel is the pain. 

i was fine a second ago. 

i was laughing for hells sake. 

keags just told me the funniest joke while I

was just going to get water. 

+ it hit me. 

why is does this keep happening? 

i can’t move. 

i’m hunched over, holding onto the counter

trying to stay calm so I don’t push it over the 

edge, but also trying to not alert everyone in 

the living room what’s happening.

the razors are invisible but they’re there. 

the agonizing weight + pressure is invisible, 

but it’s there. 

threatening to press me down further into the 

rabbit hole of darkness + pain. 

why is this my life? 

my breathing is becoming labored + keagan 

just asked me a question. 

“I’m fine” I want to say but I can’t. 

if I break concentration I’ll break. 

the pain will flood in even more + I’ll drop the 

last of my reserve. the last of my will power to 

not succumb to it. 

I hear his footsteps now. 

+ my anxiety rises. 

why does this always happen when I was FINE A SECOND AGO? 

“baby, are you okay?” 

“I’m fine” I want to say but it comes out as a huff

he sees my fingers gripping the counter

for support. 

“let’s get you to the couch” 

he’s trying to lift me. 

“STOP” I finally say. 

“I can’t.. I can’t move. I need a minute.” 

“okay.. it’s okay baby. just breathe.” 

he’s running his fingers along my back.

whispering encouraging words to me.

but I can’t hear them. 

the worst passes for a short window + I 

squeeze his hand letting him know I’m okay to 

be moved now. 

he lifts me up + I scream. 

i’m holding him for support as he carefully 

leads me to the couch. 

why won’t this stop? 

I’m sobbing now. 

+ collapse onto the couch. 

“it’s okay, baby. take this.” 

he hands me medicine + water. 

why am I like this? 

I can’t do this for the next 40 years. 

ren comes out of his room + sees me crying. 

“mom, are you hurting? can I help?” 

why are my children so unlucky to have a mother who is broken? 

“I’m okay baby. go back + play.” 

I give him a weak smile beneath my tears. 

he walks over, slowly sits on the couch +

puts his head on my legs. 

“I love you mom. it’s going to be okay. just deep breaths.” 

I look at keags. 

he smiles at me + rubs the hair out of my face. 

he mouths, “I love you” 

why am I so freaking blessed to be able to be in this family? 

this story is a normal part of our day. 

somedays I can go without falling. 

somedays I have to crawl to get luna out of her crib. 

somedays I am able to dance, sing + play. 

somedays I am sobbing into my pillow wanting 

to die. 

endometriosis affects 1 in 10 women. 

it is insane to me that the average age of getting diagnosed is 27 years old.

i first started experiencing symptoms at the age of 12.

i was diagnosed at the age of 16 with stage four endo.

you are not crazy.

you are not invisible.

you are a beautiful, and do not deserve this.

but you are strong, and a badass.

you are loved. 

and you are NOT your pain.

never stop fighting.

even through the pain - we are WARRIORS.

never forget that. even through the flare ups + tears.

LUNA-JO FOX

When we found out that I was pregnant I was terrified.

I had been through three miscarriages last year, and I was done.
I had given up, and felt so broken.
I felt a pain deep within my soul that I felt couldn't be healed.

I figured the endometriosis had done it's damage, and taken my ability to carry another baby.
And by doctors evaluations, I probably wouldn't be able to carry another.
So when we started trying last year, we were going off faith + hope.
But after the last miscarriage, I felt my body was rejecting me.
I felt that I was being punished.
I was at my absolute lowest.

Then one day, I just stopped.
I stopped feeling guilty.
I stopped hating my body for how it was created.
I stopped tormenting myself for having these feelings.
And I started loving myself.
I started focusing on the things I could control, and let go of what I couldn't.
I started feeling more grateful for the life I have, and the people I have in it.
Especially for the beautiful child we had already created.

Then one night, a few months after the last miscarriage, I started feeling sickish.
I had an inkling that I might be pregnant, but I was too scared to really test it.
But Keagan so cutely had snuck to the store to get me medicine + treats.
And also, a pregnancy test.
He told me to just test, and see, and whatever happened, we would go through it together.

So I went into the bathroom, and sat on the floor while waiting for the results.
Keagan quietly crept in and sat beside me, and grabbed the test off the counter.
He handed it to me without looking, and told me to tell him what it said.

The test was positive.
We bursted into tears, and just held onto each other on the floor of the bathroom.
It was such a beautiful sight. But also a terrifying one.
Would this baby make it? Would my body be strong + healthy enough to hold onto it?
And after we reached the 16 week mark, we finally started to let go of the fears.

At 32 weeks, we decided to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.
We asked Renner in the beginning if he thought he was going to have a brother or sister.
He immediately said, "s i s t e r".

I should also point out that at ultrasound sesh, my mom +ren 

both shouted they were right after we found out we were having a girl.

But to be honest, I was terrified when we found out that I was pregnant with a girl.
I always just figured I would be a mama to boys.
I had this idea in my head that I would be an awesome mom to boys, and a crappy one to girls.
It's a stupid thing, I know.
But as soon as that baby girl was placed into my arms, every single worry vanished.

I started going into labor on her actual due date, July 21, but she popped out a few days later.
I mean, she is my daughter. Gotta make an entrance when she's ready. Not when everyone else is.

It was a bit different this time around.
With Ren I was induced.
It was hard + fast.
But with Luna Jo it slowly progressed + wasn't unbearable in the beginning.

Labor started around Friday night. Small contractions with the bloody show.
Nothing super intense. But Saturday is when it started getting rougher.
My doctor was on vacation until Sunday, so I wanted to try and push it until then, but not
really knowing anything about what happens when going into labor naturally I got a bit worried.
So we packed a couple bags, and Keagan + I went to Labor + Delivery while my Mama stayed home
with Ren Ren and played.

The nurses in L&D are always amazing at the hospital we delivered in.
We were so lucky with the nurses we got with Ren, and I was praying we got amazing ones
with Luna Jo as well. We weren't disappointed. Unfortunately, the doctor we got on call
wasn't the greatest. He works at the same clinic as my doctor, so I knew of him, and was
super sad when I learned he was the one there that day. He came in and was abrupt, and not
very kind. He learned of my medical history, and ridiculed me for being on pain medication
for my endo during pregnancy, and then said I wasn't in actual labor and to go home.

g r e e e e a t. 

So that night I slept on our recliner and watched Bones + How I Met Your Mother all night,

while struggling with contractions getting more intense by the minute.

At 11AM that next Sunday morning, I told Keagan + my Mama that we needed 

to go to the ER because I was in labor. 

Luckily we were still all packed up from yesterday,
so we through everything back into the car, and took off.

We literally live like 2 blocks away from the hospital so my mom
dropped us off, and told us that when it was time to start pushing
to call her and she'll come back.

Once we got up into L&D we found out that my doctor was on call,
and I almost started crying on the spot.
I felt like the stars were aligning.

My mom had to go home on Wednesday morning.
So when I went into labor only a couple days after her original due date,
I was so freaking happy. Heavenly Father had heard my prayers, and pleads.
We were a little worried that Luna-Jo's due date might be in August just because
she was measuring so small. But dis mama knew.
Mostly because she was an anniversary baby. So like I said. Mama knew.

So finally, they got me dressed in the glorious hospital gown,
and got me in the bed with those cozy warm hospital blankets.

When my doctor finally came in to see me we found out that I was just
over 4 1/2 CM dilated, and they weren't going to send me home.

They talked me into going into the shower, and I literally stayed there for over
half an hour with Keags spraying the hot water onto my back. It was amazing.

Bless his sexy, beautiful, perfect soul.

Then I sat on the bouncy ball and bounced while he read me
funny stories + put on Community for me.

And after I couldn't take the bouncing anymore, we decided to go walking around
the L&D Ward + heard all those beautiful screams from other mama's in labor.
I couldn't handle the back pain anymore after about 45 minutes of walking around.
I complained to the nurse, and sure enough, we found out that Luna was sunny side up. 

Her knees + legs were against my stomach wall, instead of her back.
And the back pain was getting more and more intense with each contraction.

About a couple hours later, my doctor came back in and checked me.
I was at about 5 1/2 CM, and was struggling with the contractions.
At about 2 PM we decided to break my water and get things moving. 

This time was a lot more painful than when she broke water with Ren.

Then tears started flowing and my teeth were clinched + then came the 

overwhelming tightening of my stomach. 

+ now enter in stage two of labor
And a whole lot of freaking laughing gas.

Contractions started coming harder and faster.

They felt different from my first labor process.

Ren's contractions felt unnatural, + harsh from the induction.

Luna's felt deeper, + uninhibited from coming on naturally.

I wanted to try and do this without an epidural this time around.

I watched Community, and laughed through the pain + tears with Keags holding my

hand through every contraction. 

I breathed deeper than I ever had in my entire life. 

That laughing gas was a saving grace during those unbearable moments.

Then finally at about 6 CM I reached my breaking point. 

I told Keagan after a really hard contraction, 

"You know what. Screw this. I'm in pain every single day of my life.

And I want to remember my babies births pain free."

About a half an hour later, and the anesnteiologist came and gave me the run down.
Told him I knew the risks, and to strap me the hell up.
From there it was similar to Renner's birth.
Numbness from the mid-abdomen down.
But I could feel the pressure this time telling me when I was having a contraction.
For that I was grateful.
And I slept for an hour to gain my strength for the pushing.

I still couldn't move my legs - just like with Ren's birth.
So when they tried to get her to rotate, and to see if she would move from her
posterior position, the nurse + keagan had to physically lift my legs and turn my hips
to get me to have this peanut shaped balloon between my legs for an hour.

It was f a n t a s t i c. 

She never moved.

sarcasm at its finest

Then finally, I started to feel it.
That pressure on the lower half of my body telling me to push.
I looked to Keagan and told him to tell my Mom to get here.

NOW.

The nurse came in to check, and sure enough, I was at 10 CM ready to start pushing.
I told Keagan to text my Mom to hurry.

She had to be there for the birth of this babe. 

My last babe. 

My rainbow babe.

My doctor came in, and sat down to check everything.
She knew how important it was for my mom to be there, and was so unbelievably sweet about it.

Have I mentioned how much I love my doctor?

Because she is an amazing woman.

She said to give a push to see how things progress, and sure enough, Luna's head was right there.
My doctor was so kind about it though.
She told me that we could spread out the pushes since I wasn't in pain,
and she wasn't in any distress.

I pushed a total of five times in 15 minutes.
And on the 6th push, my mom burst through the door, and in that same moment, Luna-Jo was born.
The saying "perfect timing" was the epitome of this moment.

Six beautiful, peaceful pushes, and my precious baby girl was brought into this world.

They placed her on my chest.
And the entire world just stopped.
I no longer focused on the doctors finishing the delivery + taking my placenta out.
Or on the countless nurses checking on me + asking me a million questions.
Or my beautiful mama talking a million photos.

All I saw was h e r.
She became my rainbow that burst through the dark skies.

And every single worry or terrified feeling of 

having a daughter was washed away.

I felt brave, and empowered. 

I felt honored to have been given this 

moment to raise this perfect creature.

I just felt complete peace.

When the nurse placed Luna on my chest, and was giving her a little look over,

I heard her say,

"I think this baby was born with teeth!"

That was definitely an unexpected surprise.

But she totally did discovered that she was born with two tiny teeth on her bottom gums.

I laughed, and said,

"No haha. No, she doesn't. No way."

But she did indeed have teeth.

Which made nursing difficult.

She wanted to nurse so bad, and had an amazing latch.

But she would bite + bite, and then finally my milk would let down.

And then my tears would start flowing because of the pain.

The next day my Mama brought in Renner to come to meet her.

He had been so unbelievably excited to meet his baby sister.

But when it came time to actually meeting her, he was super hesitant.

My mom asked him if he was afraid of her, and he whispered,

"No. I'm just afraid I'm going to hurt her."

Ren meeting Luna was honestly was the sweetest thing I've ever experienced.

And one that will forever be engrained in my heart + mind.

I've never seen him more reverent. 

And once he finally held her, it was like he was experiencing what I had the first time I held her.

His world stopped, and all he could see was her.

He fell in complete love with her. 

She was born on Sunday night, and we were finally released on Wednesday morning.

And while her birthing process might have been a lot easier than Renner's was.

The after portion at the hospital was rough. It was a long, emotional stay. 

One that was filled with a lot of guilt + pain.

They were keeping a close eye on her to make sure she was doing okay, and not withdrawing 

from the medication I had to take while I was pregnant with her.

She was perfectly healthy + was totally fine. I was super emotional, and upset with her 

pediatrician because he was making me feel like I was a lesser person for needing the pain 

medication while pregnant. But I calmly explained how it was either that, 

or hospitalization for the last trimester - like it was with Renner.

I found my doctor while trying to talk to one of the nurses and bawled my eyes out to her.

Told her everything that had been happening, and how some of the nurses 

and the pediatrician weren't the kindest to me. 

And to say she raged against them all is putting it lightly.

She demanded we be released immediately.

She has been in my life since Ren was born, 

and knows my painful journey with e n d o.

My story about how she has helped me, 

and loved me through all the crap end has to offer, 

and helped deliver Ren Ren h e r e.

I don't know why I was so scared of raising a daughter.

Maybe it was fear that I would screw her up.

Fear I couldn't protect her from the dark things in this world.

Fear karma would come back and bite me in the ass.

Fear she would go through the things I did.

But then I realized everything I went through made me who I am today.

And dammit, I actually like who I am now.

Regardless of what happens in her life, I've made it my goal to help her love herself, 

no matter what.

My mom was an amazing mama to me.

Plus I was even more blessed to have my sister + sister in law raising, + guiding me along with her.

And if I am even half the woman that those three are, I think I'll these kids I got will be aight.

REAL TALK | Having Hope

disclaimer // You should probably read {this post} before you start reading, just to get a baseline of where I am coming from. Also, I do not think that the oils have "healed" me, only have helped me tremendously. I still believe in the power of doctors, and the amazing things that they can do. Oils affect people in different ways, and you should talk to your oil specialist &/or doctor about it if you think you liked to start using them. thank you.

I felt like I had lost faith. 
And hope. 
In doctors. 
In myself. 
Falling into the darkest place in my mind. 
And I needed help out. 
I needed something/someone to bring me out, or rather yank me out. 

But not my hair, please.

I love the doctors I have now. I am extremely blessed to have finally found them, but it's taken me a long journey to get to this place. 10 surgeries from doctors, who have straight up told me, 

I can fix this 

I can get rid of this, and take your pain away completely 

This WILL work 

Only then to come to me afterward in my groggy state, and tell me that it would take a miracle for me to get pregnant, and I will most likely have to get a full hysterectomy before I'm 21. 

I am beyond grateful that they attempted to help me. And that their hearts were in the right place - at the time. But then once they realized I was a "lost cause", they just wrote me off. Gave me a script of pain meds, and sent me on my way. 

I lost faith that I could ever feel normal. Or better. Even to just get to a safe place in my own body, and mind. It was a hard thing for me to get a grip on. It was a hard thing to tell my soon to be husband, that I would most likely never get pregnant. I was 20 when a miracle happened only 9 months into our marriage. 

Those two beautiful lines that appeared on the pregnancy test.

I didn't really think I was pregnant. It was even a fluke that I even tested myself. I went through a phase of getting overly excited, thinking I might be, in the first couple months we were married, but all the negatives were just a deeper spin with the knife. But the my sweet sister in law talked me into just "making sure" one night. 

That warm rush of love that completely washed over me when I saw it was positive was indescribable. And it's a feeling I'll never forget.

Skip ahead a year and a half later, and we come to now. 
We have been married for 3 years, and have, an almost, 2 year old. 
I remember one hard day when I was talking to Keagan on the phone, while he was on his way to work. 

I was crying to him. Telling him how I don't feel like a good wife, or mother. He told me to make an appointment with my doctor because he wanted to talk to her about a type of surgery that he had researched. I snapped at him that I wasn't going to go back under the knife, less than a year after my last one.

I told him I have zero faith in doctors. I'm done with false hope, and ideas. 

He said to me, "You aren't allowed to lose hope. You aren't allowed to lose faith. You need to find hope in something, because false hope doesn't exist. You will beat this. You are stronger than this. I need you stronger than this."

I needed that wake up call. I've been becoming a person I don't necessarily like because I'm letting this disease get the better of me. I refuse to let it.

Now enter in my amazing neighbor, Nicole. 
We live in the same building, and she lives in the room directly across from us. 
We had met a couple times, just saying hi, and the usual neighborly things. 
But then one day things changed. I can remember I was struggling that day. 
Keagan couldn't come home from work early, so I took Ren to the park to be outside, and get worn out. Nicole was there with her 2 youngest babes, and they were pushing Ren on the swing. We started talking, and then I ended up telling her everything that was going on with me. It was a little difficult to tell her because, well, I don't really tell anyone that part of myself. I don't think it has to do with embarrassment, or anything other than me not being able to let myself become vulnerable. But I literally felt this warmth come over me, reassuring me that I can trust her, and I am so glad that I did.

She made me feel so loved, and immediately asked what she could do for me. She told me that she is a Rep for Doterra, and that she would love to look up some oils that might be able to help me. I had heard about Doterra a few times from various friends, but I never really paid much attention to it. My thoughts were, "If actual doctors can't help me, or help alleviate my pain, what much can oils do?" She told me that she'd bring me over samples that night, and we'd go from there. She probably brought me over 10 samples, and had me try different combinations, and see what ones helped the best. 

It's taken me a little bit to start to see and feel a difference, but I do feel it. I see it in my family. I can feel it in myself. There are days when the oils aren't enough, but I'm hoping eventually I will get to the point where they will be. 

The ones I use the most are Clary Calm, & Lavendar. I'm slowly getting more in my collection, but I haven't been so excited about something like this in a long time. I haven't had hope like this in a long time. If Nicole hadn't been willing to go above and beyond for me, at that point, a stranger to her, I don't know where I would be right now or how I would be feeling. 

The saying, "it takes a village" is so completely accurate. It really does. We need to be there for each other. 

As women. 

As moms. 

As sisters. 

We are a community of hope and light, and it's our duty to share it with others. To share it with our sisters around us, and help each other when times are tough. Not beat each other down, and judge one another. Our love is eternal. Just like our service should be. And I am forever grateful for Nicole, and love she had for me to show me what she could offer to help make my and my family's life easier. I'm so blessed to call her my friend, and have her in my life. The love and selflessness she has given to me was beyond anything I could of ever imagined. She has done more for me than just show me what essential oils are. She's changed my outlook on a lot of things in my life, and I can't even begin to thank her for it. 

I hope you can do the same for someone else. 
It doesn't have to be something like this. 

It could be a conversation with the lady who's baby is screaming his face off in Target. 
Or a meal for the mom who is on her chick cycle, and can't move. [Cookies are always mandatory with those deliveries ladies ;)] 

Anything and everything we do for one another makes a difference, and makes this world a better place. And that is the world I want Renner, and possibly, future children to be apart of. 

My pain might get the best of me somedays. But I refuse to ever allow it to take away my hope. Because really, having hope is all I have to beat this.

REAL TALK | A Look Behind The Glass

This is my story about my fight with endometriosis. 

 I know there are women out there, like me, who suffer through the same thing I am, 
and reading their stories makes me feel uplifted, and hopefully. 

So, here is a little piece of my vulnerability given to you. 
This is a long post - you've been warned.

I've always struggled with being vulnerable. I have never liked the feelings it brings when I give someone a piece of me that is so delicate, that one wrong move could literally break me. It terrifies me. The only person I have truly been able to be vulnerable with, beside my family, has been Keagan. 
So here it goes yo.

I have Stage IV Endometriosis, and Pelvic Congestion Syndrome {PCS}, along with Graves Disease (but that's a different story entirely). I was diagnosed with "Endo" in high school, and as far as the PCS, who truly knows. I doubt doctors really even looked for it in the 10 surgeries I've had for it. Luckily, my amazing doctor, who delivered Renner, did. These diseases aren't life threatening. But can be horrifically damaging to your uterus, and surrounding parts. They are both extremely painful. And can cause infertility.

In my case, the majority of pain is always on my right side. Has been since I got my period at 8 years old. Some days, I truly would give my right arm to go through labor, on repeat. 

There are days where I literally just can't get out of bed. Where I can't even hold Renner in my arms for long periods of time; even having him sit on my lap at times is unbearable. I can't stand up in shower, some days. I have to sit on our bathroom sink to do my makeup. Keagan has to call into work for the third day in a row to help me; or will receive a stressful phone call in the middle of his busy day to come home, because I can't pick Ren up out of his crib. Our love life is complicated. Making dinners is sometimes far, and few between. The house is messy. Our room is in constant disarray with laundry. Every step I take on a walk is like a knife churning inside, and sending shock waves down my legs, and around my lower back. My body suffers from not being able to work out. My mind suffers. Everyone in our home suffers. 

It's a pain that travels through my lower back, into my lower abdomen, through my hips and inside my thighs. Sometimes even on the outside of my lady area. It's like a razor blade is making it's way through me. Crying makes it worse, but you have to have some way to release the tension that is wrecking your body. Heating pads + baths only help so much. And you can only take so many pain pills before your comatose. So what are you left with except self loathing that this is the body you were born into? What's left except the thoughts of taking your own life because what kind of life is this? 


They say, "Pregnancy is suppose to stop the pain". 

It doesn't. 

They say, "You're only suppose to have pain during your period". 

You don't.

They say, "Take out your uterus because that will cure you."

It won't.

And you know what I say to all those myths?
GO. TO. H E L L.


I experienced my worst pains while pregnant + a week before my period.
I am in pain 24/7. And while pills give me relief, it doesn't take it away.
Oils help. Not eating certain foods help. Baths help. Heating pads help.
But it doesn't eliminate it.

But you know, with all of these shitty trials, never once has Keagan made me feel like inadequate wife, or mother, and has never made me feel unloved. And trust me I've felt like it plenty of times. I can't always protect my mind from unwanted thoughts. There have been many breakdowns in our home. I am definitely not the easiest patient, I'll admit. When I'm feeling insecure, I lash out because I don't feel safe inside my own body. I know that he would like to come home to a home cooked meal, and clean house every night. I know that I would love my house to stay organized for more than a day. I would love to be able to bathe Ren every night without struggling to bend over the bathtub. Or bend down to load + unload the dishwasher without my uterus feeling like its about to fall out or rip apart completely. 


There are so many things I would love to be able to do, but can't. And some days, it weighs on me, and is hard to accept it. Having to rely on pain medicine to help me function is beyond frustrating, and emotionally difficult. But besides all of the negatives that are taking place inside my body + mind, there are so many positives to be joyous about.  Like, that we were able to have Renner in the first place. And, although it is painful, I still have the ability to walk. I have my mind. I have my faith. I have the unconditional love and support from my husband, Heavenly Father, and family. I have been blessed in more way than I can count. And while I may not have complete control over this trial, but I do have control over how I handle it, and that truly makes the difference in my life.

I have my faith. I have my accountability. I have a crap load of love + charity in my heart. I have the ability see, and feel the beautiful things around me. Like this incredibly beautiful kid I popped out - even with all the shit my uterus goes through.

Are there days where my overthinking, and pain get the best of me? Absolutely. I wouldn't be human if I didn't. Some days it's hard to remember the good days, especially when I'm curled in a ball writhing in pain on the kitchen floor, with my face laying next to the crumbs from Ren's "cook cooks". 

It pushes me to my limits, and at times makes me break. But that's why we call these things, trials. They are meant to push, and test us. I was told in the summer of 2011, that I had maybe a year left to get pregnant, because of how badly damaged my uterus was from endometrial scarring. And in 2012, I had an ER doctor tell me this straight to my face after hours of agonizing pain, and a questionable miscarriage, "I don't care if it's a cyst, endometriosis, or whatever - You. Will. Not. Get. Pregnant." And with that she threw up the peace sign, and walked out. Well, they obviously were wrong. 

I've had so many doctors thinking I only wanted the drugs, or that I was a hypochondriac or even depressed, and my head was making up the pain. I've had plenty of doctors that have made me bawl my eyes out, or made me see the hospital psych because they thought my pain was "emotional related".

Sometimes, people can't understand, or empathize the pain you're going through because they can't see it. I've had only 1 doctor in my entire life, actually sit me down, and showed me nothing but love, and understanding. She never once made me feel crazy, or like I was some pill popping fiend. And I gotta say, it was probably the best feeling in the world to just be validated, and heard by a doctor.

I remember the first time I saw her I was 5 months pregnant with Renner. I was doing dishes late that night, and I had the worst pain rip through me and some blood pour out of me. We immediately went to the hospital terrified we were losing the baby. I told her my entire past, and she sat with me, and held my hand as I cried through the pain. She looked at me, and told me that the baby was fine, and it was just the scar tissue ripping around my uterus and just caused some trauma. But Ren was safe. She told me not to worry about anything because she was going to be my doctor for now on, and that she will be delivering my baby. The relief we felt was beyond anything we've ever experienced with this. Finally! SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD, and was hearing us out. Heavenly Father had answered our prayers.

Heavenly Father has been my light through all of this. He has answered many of my prayers. He helps me through the worst of my pain, and sometimes takes it away for brief moments. He is there for me, in a way that most can't be. Being vulnerable is a hard thing for me to do, but He knows me, and my heart. He sees the parts of me that I can't explain in words, or even thoughts. 

Through these trials I have become more grateful, more loving, compassionate, and understanding toward others. 

I am grateful for Him, and his unfailing grace surrounding me, and my family. 

I am grateful that even through all of this I was able to carry, and bare a healthy child. 

I am grateful for Keagan, and the love and support he surrounds me with. He has never belittled my pain, or my thoughts. Never casted me aside, or deemed me damaged. He has always been by my side, and has never let me feel less than. His love, and faith gives me more than enough strength.

I am grateful for the tiny fingers that move the hair out of my face so he can see me, and give me a big smile, and giggle. That right there will make any heart skip a beat, and find pure bliss in.

I am grateful to have a Mom, and had Dad who were so determined, and strong willed to never let the doctors, when I was younger, and now, to brush me aside, and call my pain a sign of depression, or made up. They never once doubted me, and never took no for an answer. 

I am grateful for my entire league of a family. My blood, In-Laws, and the friends who are my family. Whose never ending love, compassion, meals on "those" nights, phone calls, watching Ren for a few hours, driving me to hospitals, giving me countless of boosts and inspirational talks and snuggles, help at church, bath mixtures made, slushies brought to me, and countless of other things, have all made the difference in my life, and has made it so beyond wonderful. You all are rockstars to me. 

I am beyond grateful for all my Endo Sisters who understand and are also fighting their own battles with this painful disease. You are incredibly brave women and I love each and everyone of you. To those who have shared your stories with me, and have held me while I cried, you have made me stronger by sharing your love. You are my shining stars + heroes.

Vulnerability comes in all different ways. Mine is sharing my pains, letting people see it, and asking for help. Coming to terms with this disease that I have has helped me morph into a better person. And I hope that by sharing this piece with you, that it will help those who struggle to come to terms of their own vulnerabilities, and will give you the strength to express it.

You can find more on my endo journey -  h e r e.

*Quote designs like these are made by me. If you want to use these images please ask, or link back to me. Thank you! :)

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Bedridden.

I had surgery this past Monday to go in and look around my uterus, just to see how my Endo has been doing, among other things. It turned out okay. I have a new diagnose to add to my list of "things". It's called Pelvic Congestion Syndrome. {I threw a link on it, because I'm to exhausted to explain it / sorry folks} So anyways, I've been stuck in bed the majority of the week doing nothing very productive. I'd like to say that I have been reading, studying scriptures, or catching up on journaling - but I haven't. I've been engulfing Jalapeño Cheetos, & downing water while watching all of The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbits - Extended Versions. I feel like a champ.

It's been glorious, and sucky. Glorious because I get to take a beat, let my body heal from the surgery, and let it get some rest. But it's been sucky because I'm not allowed to pick Renner up for 2 weeks, at least, so I haven't been able to hold my baby, rock him, put him to sleep, play with him, clean the house the way I think it needs to be done, cook, or really be any help at all. It's sucked. I hate being useless. You'd think it's been fantastic because I do get to not do anything. But as any other mom would know, it's agonizing. Not to mention my mother will be here in.. 5 hours. But hey, at least I'm - somewhat - healthy! 

I will say how incredibly blessed I am to have the husband I do. He has been a true champion this week. - Thank you vacation time! - But seriously, I'd be truly lost without him. He has stepped up to the plate, and has done absolutely everything I've asked of him, and more. The saying, "Nothing is hotter than your man being a dad", is so extremely accurate. I love watching Renner follow, and swoon over his dad, and vice versa. It's an incredible feeling.

Final Round of Pregnancy.

I've hit my 35 weeks mark, and its been one crazy ride let me tell yah. Words can't even describe how I am so incredibly excited to see my cute baby boy! He is getting so big now I can barely breathe. That pesky swelling is finally starting to kick in. My ankles and hands are huge! And they ache like no mans business. Do you know how weird it is to feel water sloshing around in your feet? It's quite nasty. Also, my pelvis, hips, and lower back have never known such pain! I'm one centimeter dilated now, so the days are going by quick but not quick enough. Since his head is in the downward position now he is trying his absolute hardest to break out early - which I don't blame the little guy, it is quite cramped for space in there. I got head smashed so hard in my pelvis the other day by my sweet baby boy that I swear my water was going to break. I was petrified of the thought of labor in the early days of pregnancy, and now I feel that day can't get here faster.

My endometriosis hasn't been my biggest fan either these days since Ren has been getting bigger, stronger, and snuggling up in the most uncomfortable positions. This girl was just so lucky to be placed in the hospital for a week because of the awful pain on my right side - which is where my endo is the worst. They did let me go home when they knew I could handle pain management at home, and not go into preterm labor. Luckily all I really have to do these days now are watch some Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel on my Netflix, and snuggle with Roxy until my love bug makes his appearance. We had a preeclampsia scare this past week because I've been getting crazy bad headaches, seeing black dots, throwing up randomly, gained 11 pounds in a 5 day span, and my heart has felt like its about to explode out of my chest. Luckily all of my blood test are normal, and I don't have any protein in my urine, so for now I'm safe. But my doctor has been keeping a close eye on me. I will say that if I did end up getting preeclampsia this late in my pregnancy I won't be as terrified because Renner is just about full term, so it will be a lot easier to just get him out now than having to wait or put me on bed rest - depending how bad the preeclampsia got. But I'm safe for now! Which is a huge blessing because we don't even have our stuff from Calgary yet!

We are finally in our new home, and have been for the last month and a half. But since we don't have any of our stuff we've been "camping" which basically means that we've been sleeping on an air mattress, which might I add has been quite uncomfortable being 8 months pregnant. So sleep has been quite the adventure. I cannot wait until we have our cute boys room all set up! And also to have our bed, couch, kitchen stuff, coffee table, etc. You truly never realize what an awesome feeling it is to have a bed, until you don't. But this weekend we finally are getting everything! Luckily we do have our TV and have our internet set up so I'm not left with nothing to do. But man do I need to start nesting already! As soon as our house is nicely decorated, and actually has furniture in it, pictures of our humble abode will be posted!

Keagan and I have been trying to fit in date nights as much as possible since we know they will be rare in these months to come. But now that I feel like I'm holding a huge watermelon between my legs its been a challenge. We do try to make it out for wing night on Wednesday nights, because honestly who could pass up 39 cent wings? We also scored some awesome movie passes during Christmas time, and since we LOVE going to movies, we've been doing that a lot as well. Date nights with this incredibly amazing man are always a must, because these days of just him and I will be in short supply in about 4 1/2 weeks. Even if its only playing Call of Duty, and eating junk food - I'll take it.

Could It Be.. Pregnancy?!

Okay everyone! It has been a while since I’ve posted anything so I thought I do some baby talk! No I am sad to report that, I am not pregnant yet. But I will say that Keagan, my adorable, amazing husband, is constantly making fun of me and my seemingly never ending thoughts of being pregnant, and going through at least couple pregnancies tests every month. I will say that I can’t hide the fact that I am incredibly excited for that to happen! Although I’ll admit I might be going a tad bit over board with the fact that I have Baby Fever like crazy, but I can’t help it! My amazing sister has shown me some cute blogs about some woman being "addicted" to pregnancy test, and I will say I can TOTALLY relate. Its hilarious to read these woman sneak into Dollar Tree and grab 1 or 12 test every other week. Now I'm not that extreme, probably because we are poor newly weds, BUT I can't say that if we had extra money I wouldn't give into this crazy pregnancy phenomenon.. But I guarantee that Keagan would stop me haha. He was making a joke a few months back about him wondering since Costco has everything in bulk, if they have a bulk thing of pregnancy test. Every since I've been wishing we had a Costco card so I could go scope out that place and see!

I will say that I perfectly content with just me and my hubby. It is such an amazing thing to sleep next to the love of your life/best friend every night! I can't believe it's even legal! I love it!

I've mentioned in one of my post about me having endometriosis, but surprisingly not a lot of  people really know about it. The downside with having endometriosis, and being pregnant isn’t one of the greatest things I've heard about. My doctor told me that if I ever did choose to have a baby, that my open window to become pregnant is about 2 years, or otherwise I’d become infertile, and that if I did become pregnant that I would either be in the hospital the entire 9 months, or I’d be bedridden. Which I don’t believe for a second, but to be on the safe side, we were going to try and get pregnant this summer… if I’m not already! 

I have done a lot of research as to what would happen if I did get pregnant though. There are some woman who said that they were hurting so bad that they were hospitalized for the entire 9 months, others say it went fine and they’re endo cleared up for the whole pregnancy, but then came back twice as strong a month or two after giving birth, but then a lot of others say being pregnant was the best thing for their endo. So as you can tell there are a lot of different outcomes that could come from it. Now for those of you who don’t know what endometriosis this is the definition from endometriosisinfo.ca:

“Endometriosis is a common and sometimes debilitating condition experienced by women of reproductive age. This disease causes chronic pelvic pain and is sometimes associated with infertility.

Endometriosis is the growth of tissue, similar to the kind that lines a woman's uterus, elsewhere in her body. That 'elsewhere' is usually in the abdomen. This misplaced tissue responds to the menstrual cycle in the same way that the tissue lining the uterus does: each month the tissue builds up, breaks down and sheds. Menstrual blood from the uterus flows out of the body through the vagina; however, the blood and tissue from endometriosis has no way of leaving the body. This results in inflammation and sometimes scarring (adhesions), both of which can cause the painful symptoms of endometriosis and may contribute to difficulty getting pregnant.

Even though endometriosis has been researched extensively, it is a complex disease that can be challenging to diagnose and treat. Many symptoms of endometriosis – severe, painful menstrual cramps, painful intercourse, and gastrointestinal upsets such as diarrhea, constipation, and nausea – are similar to those for a wide variety of other conditions. As well, each woman with endometriosis will experience symptoms differently, depending on the location and extent of her endometriosis. This means that the combination of treatment options that work for one woman may not necessarily work for another. That's why it may take years for a woman and her health-care professional to identify the extent of her endometriosis and find an effective treatment.”

It is a scary and annoying disease that is FOR SURE, but at least I know there is help. So now that you have the basics about it, you can see a little bit of the worry I have. There is a high chance that I could miscarry, or have a premature birth, so I have to look at the risk that could come for the baby, and for me. I’m not so worried about the pain during the pregnancy, as much as the pain afterward because not being able to take care of my baby after carrying him/her for 9 months, honestly breaks my heart. The good thing about all of this though, is that I have an amazing husband who takes care of me so incredibly. He really is the most compassionate, caring, and loving person I have ever met, and puts up with all my crabbiness when I am having my pains. AH! I could talk about him all day he is so awesome! But anyways! The one thing I am glad about though is that I am around family 24/7 who would do anything for us, and that to me is the biggest blessing ever, and makes me feel a bit more secure. 

Even though I might have to go through all of this nonsense about pain and such, I want to have a baby! It is my all time DREAM to have little ones with my amazingly hot husband. And I will make it happen for sure! But seriously, if any woman who read the symptoms and signs of Endometriosis, I highly recommend you get it checked out. Only because the longer you postpone it, the more likely that the endo will become so severe that you do indeed become infertile, and that is the most heart breaking thing I could think of with having this disease. So take a look at this amazing site and do some research if you think that your cramps, might be a little bit more severe than they should be. 

Anyways, in a couple months I hope to be reporting that I am healthy and pregnant! Here is a link that you can go to and watch a video about Endometriosis. Watch it and become aware! :)