When we found out that I was pregnant I was terrified.

I had been through three miscarriages last year, and I was done.
I had given up, and felt so broken.
I felt a pain deep within my soul that I felt couldn't be healed.

I figured the endometriosis had done it's damage, and taken my ability to carry another baby.
And by doctors evaluations, I probably wouldn't be able to carry another.
So when we started trying last year, we were going off faith + hope.
But after the last miscarriage, I felt my body was rejecting me.
I felt that I was being punished.
I was at my absolute lowest.

Then one day, I just stopped.
I stopped feeling guilty.
I stopped hating my body for how it was created.
I stopped tormenting myself for having these feelings.
And I started loving myself.
I started focusing on the things I could control, and let go of what I couldn't.
I started feeling more grateful for the life I have, and the people I have in it.
Especially for the beautiful child we had already created.

Then one night, a few months after the last miscarriage, I started feeling sickish.
I had an inkling that I might be pregnant, but I was too scared to really test it.
But Keagan so cutely had snuck to the store to get me medicine + treats.
And also, a pregnancy test.
He told me to just test, and see, and whatever happened, we would go through it together.

So I went into the bathroom, and sat on the floor while waiting for the results.
Keagan quietly crept in and sat beside me, and grabbed the test off the counter.
He handed it to me without looking, and told me to tell him what it said.

The test was positive.
We bursted into tears, and just held onto each other on the floor of the bathroom.
It was such a beautiful sight. But also a terrifying one.
Would this baby make it? Would my body be strong + healthy enough to hold onto it?
And after we reached the 16 week mark, we finally started to let go of the fears.

At 32 weeks, we decided to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.
We asked Renner in the beginning if he thought he was going to have a brother or sister.
He immediately said, "s i s t e r".

I should also point out that at ultrasound sesh, my mom +ren 

both shouted they were right after we found out we were having a girl.

But to be honest, I was terrified when we found out that I was pregnant with a girl.
I always just figured I would be a mama to boys.
I had this idea in my head that I would be an awesome mom to boys, and a crappy one to girls.
It's a stupid thing, I know.
But as soon as that baby girl was placed into my arms, every single worry vanished.

I started going into labor on her actual due date, July 21, but she popped out a few days later.
I mean, she is my daughter. Gotta make an entrance when she's ready. Not when everyone else is.

It was a bit different this time around.
With Ren I was induced.
It was hard + fast.
But with Luna Jo it slowly progressed + wasn't unbearable in the beginning.

Labor started around Friday night. Small contractions with the bloody show.
Nothing super intense. But Saturday is when it started getting rougher.
My doctor was on vacation until Sunday, so I wanted to try and push it until then, but not
really knowing anything about what happens when going into labor naturally I got a bit worried.
So we packed a couple bags, and Keagan + I went to Labor + Delivery while my Mama stayed home
with Ren Ren and played.

The nurses in L&D are always amazing at the hospital we delivered in.
We were so lucky with the nurses we got with Ren, and I was praying we got amazing ones
with Luna Jo as well. We weren't disappointed. Unfortunately, the doctor we got on call
wasn't the greatest. He works at the same clinic as my doctor, so I knew of him, and was
super sad when I learned he was the one there that day. He came in and was abrupt, and not
very kind. He learned of my medical history, and ridiculed me for being on pain medication
for my endo during pregnancy, and then said I wasn't in actual labor and to go home.

g r e e e e a t. 

So that night I slept on our recliner and watched Bones + How I Met Your Mother all night,

while struggling with contractions getting more intense by the minute.

At 11AM that next Sunday morning, I told Keagan + my Mama that we needed 

to go to the ER because I was in labor. 

Luckily we were still all packed up from yesterday,
so we through everything back into the car, and took off.

We literally live like 2 blocks away from the hospital so my mom
dropped us off, and told us that when it was time to start pushing
to call her and she'll come back.

Once we got up into L&D we found out that my doctor was on call,
and I almost started crying on the spot.
I felt like the stars were aligning.

My mom had to go home on Wednesday morning.
So when I went into labor only a couple days after her original due date,
I was so freaking happy. Heavenly Father had heard my prayers, and pleads.
We were a little worried that Luna-Jo's due date might be in August just because
she was measuring so small. But dis mama knew.
Mostly because she was an anniversary baby. So like I said. Mama knew.

So finally, they got me dressed in the glorious hospital gown,
and got me in the bed with those cozy warm hospital blankets.

When my doctor finally came in to see me we found out that I was just
over 4 1/2 CM dilated, and they weren't going to send me home.

They talked me into going into the shower, and I literally stayed there for over
half an hour with Keags spraying the hot water onto my back. It was amazing.

Bless his sexy, beautiful, perfect soul.

Then I sat on the bouncy ball and bounced while he read me
funny stories + put on Community for me.

And after I couldn't take the bouncing anymore, we decided to go walking around
the L&D Ward + heard all those beautiful screams from other mama's in labor.
I couldn't handle the back pain anymore after about 45 minutes of walking around.
I complained to the nurse, and sure enough, we found out that Luna was sunny side up. 

Her knees + legs were against my stomach wall, instead of her back.
And the back pain was getting more and more intense with each contraction.

About a couple hours later, my doctor came back in and checked me.
I was at about 5 1/2 CM, and was struggling with the contractions.
At about 2 PM we decided to break my water and get things moving. 

This time was a lot more painful than when she broke water with Ren.

Then tears started flowing and my teeth were clinched + then came the 

overwhelming tightening of my stomach. 

+ now enter in stage two of labor
And a whole lot of freaking laughing gas.

Contractions started coming harder and faster.

They felt different from my first labor process.

Ren's contractions felt unnatural, + harsh from the induction.

Luna's felt deeper, + uninhibited from coming on naturally.

I wanted to try and do this without an epidural this time around.

I watched Community, and laughed through the pain + tears with Keags holding my

hand through every contraction. 

I breathed deeper than I ever had in my entire life. 

That laughing gas was a saving grace during those unbearable moments.

Then finally at about 6 CM I reached my breaking point. 

I told Keagan after a really hard contraction, 

"You know what. Screw this. I'm in pain every single day of my life.

And I want to remember my babies births pain free."

About a half an hour later, and the anesnteiologist came and gave me the run down.
Told him I knew the risks, and to strap me the hell up.
From there it was similar to Renner's birth.
Numbness from the mid-abdomen down.
But I could feel the pressure this time telling me when I was having a contraction.
For that I was grateful.
And I slept for an hour to gain my strength for the pushing.

I still couldn't move my legs - just like with Ren's birth.
So when they tried to get her to rotate, and to see if she would move from her
posterior position, the nurse + keagan had to physically lift my legs and turn my hips
to get me to have this peanut shaped balloon between my legs for an hour.

It was f a n t a s t i c. 

She never moved.

sarcasm at its finest

Then finally, I started to feel it.
That pressure on the lower half of my body telling me to push.
I looked to Keagan and told him to tell my Mom to get here.

NOW.

The nurse came in to check, and sure enough, I was at 10 CM ready to start pushing.
I told Keagan to text my Mom to hurry.

She had to be there for the birth of this babe. 

My last babe. 

My rainbow babe.

My doctor came in, and sat down to check everything.
She knew how important it was for my mom to be there, and was so unbelievably sweet about it.

Have I mentioned how much I love my doctor?

Because she is an amazing woman.

She said to give a push to see how things progress, and sure enough, Luna's head was right there.
My doctor was so kind about it though.
She told me that we could spread out the pushes since I wasn't in pain,
and she wasn't in any distress.

I pushed a total of five times in 15 minutes.
And on the 6th push, my mom burst through the door, and in that same moment, Luna-Jo was born.
The saying "perfect timing" was the epitome of this moment.

Six beautiful, peaceful pushes, and my precious baby girl was brought into this world.

They placed her on my chest.
And the entire world just stopped.
I no longer focused on the doctors finishing the delivery + taking my placenta out.
Or on the countless nurses checking on me + asking me a million questions.
Or my beautiful mama talking a million photos.

All I saw was h e r.
She became my rainbow that burst through the dark skies.

And every single worry or terrified feeling of 

having a daughter was washed away.

I felt brave, and empowered. 

I felt honored to have been given this 

moment to raise this perfect creature.

I just felt complete peace.

When the nurse placed Luna on my chest, and was giving her a little look over,

I heard her say,

"I think this baby was born with teeth!"

That was definitely an unexpected surprise.

But she totally did discovered that she was born with two tiny teeth on her bottom gums.

I laughed, and said,

"No haha. No, she doesn't. No way."

But she did indeed have teeth.

Which made nursing difficult.

She wanted to nurse so bad, and had an amazing latch.

But she would bite + bite, and then finally my milk would let down.

And then my tears would start flowing because of the pain.

The next day my Mama brought in Renner to come to meet her.

He had been so unbelievably excited to meet his baby sister.

But when it came time to actually meeting her, he was super hesitant.

My mom asked him if he was afraid of her, and he whispered,

"No. I'm just afraid I'm going to hurt her."

Ren meeting Luna was honestly was the sweetest thing I've ever experienced.

And one that will forever be engrained in my heart + mind.

I've never seen him more reverent. 

And once he finally held her, it was like he was experiencing what I had the first time I held her.

His world stopped, and all he could see was her.

He fell in complete love with her. 

She was born on Sunday night, and we were finally released on Wednesday morning.

And while her birthing process might have been a lot easier than Renner's was.

The after portion at the hospital was rough. It was a long, emotional stay. 

One that was filled with a lot of guilt + pain.

They were keeping a close eye on her to make sure she was doing okay, and not withdrawing 

from the medication I had to take while I was pregnant with her.

She was perfectly healthy + was totally fine. I was super emotional, and upset with her 

pediatrician because he was making me feel like I was a lesser person for needing the pain 

medication while pregnant. But I calmly explained how it was either that, 

or hospitalization for the last trimester - like it was with Renner.

I found my doctor while trying to talk to one of the nurses and bawled my eyes out to her.

Told her everything that had been happening, and how some of the nurses 

and the pediatrician weren't the kindest to me. 

And to say she raged against them all is putting it lightly.

She demanded we be released immediately.

She has been in my life since Ren was born, 

and knows my painful journey with e n d o.

My story about how she has helped me, 

and loved me through all the crap end has to offer, 

and helped deliver Ren Ren h e r e.

I don't know why I was so scared of raising a daughter.

Maybe it was fear that I would screw her up.

Fear I couldn't protect her from the dark things in this world.

Fear karma would come back and bite me in the ass.

Fear she would go through the things I did.

But then I realized everything I went through made me who I am today.

And dammit, I actually like who I am now.

Regardless of what happens in her life, I've made it my goal to help her love herself, 

no matter what.

My mom was an amazing mama to me.

Plus I was even more blessed to have my sister + sister in law raising, + guiding me along with her.

And if I am even half the woman that those three are, I think I'll these kids I got will be aight.

RENNER DUANE

It was Saturday, February 23, 2013 at 12:48 AM when our baby boy, Renner Duane Paisley, was welcomed into this world. He was 7 lbs 2 oz, and 20.5 inches. It's so amazing to think that 2 weeks ago I was keeping him safe inside my tummy, and now I get to snuggle with him while he is sleeping. What an amazing experience childbirth is. I will always cherish this memory forever.

I knew I was getting induced on the 22nd, so we had a little time to prepared for him to come early. But I must say, even 3 weeks early hardly prepared us more than if he came on time. We had our alarms set to wake up fairly early so we could make sure we had everything we needed, but we were way to excited to sleep past 5 in the morning. We had to be at the hospital at 8 AM to get all of the paperwork done, and get me strapped to the IVs.

So first thing firsts! We dropped Roxy off at Grandmas house, grabbed some McDonalds breakfast, and headed to the hospital.

(Us in the McD's drive-through. Cause we be classy like that.)

Keagan dropped me off at the front so I could check in while he parked, and while I was sitting in the booth waiting for the lady to bring me my bracelet and papers I turned toward the doors to see if Keagan was on his way inside, and I saw this older man walk in who looked an awful like my Dad. (My Dad passed away last September from liver cancer, but before he passed he got to know that his baby girl was going to be a Mom.) Now for anyone who knew my Dad, you would know he loved his hats, long sleeve shirts, sweats, and Reebok sneakers. So it was a tad bit crazy when I see that this man was wearing a CAT hat, grey t-shirt, a light blue faded jean jacket, black sweats, and high top, white Reeboks. He even had the same style of beard as my Dad. Salt and pepper colored and all. So random right? It gets better don't worry. So this man walks up to the counter, and tells the lady at the desk that he's here for his MRI appointment. She says, "Okay sir whats your last name?" He says, "Johnson." By this time my mouth is dropped, and pretty sure I'm looking like a crazy person. Then she says, "Robert?" He nods his head, and she tells him where to go and he takes off. Now for 1. My Dads name is Robert Johnson, and 2. He looked like he could of been my Dads twin. So. Freaking. Crazy. I just laughed, and shook my head and thought, "Okay Dad. I got it. Thanks for letting me know you're here with me today." That happening definitely made me feel the Spirit so strongly, and just made me so incredibly happy to know that my Dads sense of humor was still going strong, and that he was there with me.

After that mind blowing experience I see Keagan walk in, and I told him about this random Robert Johnson person, and we head up to the 3rd floor - Labor and Delivery. Perfect way to start the day that I'm about to have a new soul enter this world. 

When we got to the room they hook me up to the IVs with oxytocin flowing through them. But while they were attempting to hook me up with the IV Drip another lady comes in wanting blood. I got tag teamed by needles on both sides. Not cool. 

Then began the long waiting period until Ren decided to make his appearance. So basically we went for walks around L&D, ate some pudding, laughed, talked about what it will be like to have him finally here, played games on our phone, talked to our good friend Shauna (who was my roomie when I was hospitalized last month), and just hung out.



Then 1:10 PM rolls around, and I'm not really feeling anything. Some cramps, but nothing major. Doctor comes in, and says she wants to check my cervix to see if I've progressed at all. I'm thinking okay, sure. No biggie. And all of a sudden I feel this rush of fluid (coolest and most shocking feeling of my life), and she says she just broke my water and there's no turning back now. Excuse me, you did what? Thanks for the warning. I mean it was nice because I didn't have time to panic, or spaz about it. She just took this little crochet hook looking thing, and just ripped open Ren's snug little home.

Then things started getting real. About 30 minutes after my water was broken I started getting contractions. I wanted to die. Begged my nurse to give me the epidural already. She said I had to wait to 4 CM. Fuuhh. By that time we had some of Keagan's family come and spend time with us right before the contractions started to get intense. They promptly left because I obviously wasn't the most pleasant soul to be around. I had Niagara Falls draining from my downstairs, and my stomach felt like it was being ripped apart by Alien. Sorry special guest.

IM HAVING A BABBBBYY!  

We went for a walk around L&D Ward, and that was unpleasant to the highest degree. It was probably the grossest, and weirdest feeling ever having the amniotic fluid flowing out while you're walking around. TMI? Well, what did you expect reading a labor and delivery story? Anyways, needless to say 1 lap around the block was good enough for me.

By the time Keagan's mom showed up, from her hastily drive from Calgary to Edmonton, my contractions started to get more intense so I jumped in the shower, which felt so awesome. But sadly that didn't last much longer than a half an hour because the water would get cold every few seconds, and then go back to hot. I screamed at the shower as tears were dripping down my face. "Whhyyyy shower do you have to suck so badly!?" So I got out, and chilled on the bed and tried to ride out the contractions. I use the word "chill" veeeery loosely. I really thought I was accustom to pain from having endometriosis. Yeah, no. They fetching hurt. Incredibly much. ("Stop trying to make fetch happen!" Anyone? Mic drop.)

I was having a hard time relaxing through contractions so they gave me a shot of Demerol to help me get some rest in between them. That was heaven for a whole whopping 10 mins. I was proud of myself though. No cuss words were spouted out, and I didn't yell at anyone... or Keagan. But I really had such an amazing support system there with me. I had Keagan, Becky (Keagan's mom), and Shauna there for the worst of my contractions. They took turns rubbing my back, getting me water, telling me stories, attempting to make me laugh, and just trying to calm me down in general.

By 7 PM I was done. I finally got to 3 1/2 CM, and when the nurse told me that I was bawling and said, "it counts right?!" Seriously, that epidural needle never looked so beautiful. The nurses called the Anesthesiologist, and got him to come and strap that IV in my spine. He went through the rundown of how I have to stay perfectly still, even if I have a contraction.. yaddy yada, I barely listened because I was contracting. But before he started I asked if I could do a practice round to get the whole "staying perfectly still" down. I was so proud of myself for staging still. I just stopped breathing through them and squeezed Keagans fingers. They told me to breathe, and I looked at them dead face and said, "if I breathe I will move." Let me do my thang peeps! Oh man though, what an amazing feeling it was when it started to kick in. I couldn't feel a thing from the top of my stomach down. I couldn't even move my legs, and I had to get someone to move them for me. I was completely frozen, and it was a beautiful thing. My nurse said that it was the best epidural shes ever seen. So we had Keagans family come in and see us during that time, and I was a happy camper. (Look, I'm in pain errday of the week. So feeling absolutely nothing at all was freaking spectacular. Yeah, I'm justifying haha.)

Epidural kicked in. WINNER.

Around 8 PM my nurses started to notice that Ren's heart rate would drop incredibly low every time I had a contraction. They asked me if I noticed the contractions at all, or if I could feel tightening. But I couldn't. Like I said, completely frozen. They figured his cord was wrapped around his neck, so they kept having to turn me over and lay in different positions to try and get the pressure off of him. They said that if his heart rate didn't come back up at all they would have to rush me in for an emergency C-Section.. That was kind of freaky. Luckily that didn't happen though.

I kept feeling a lot of pressure down there, so I told the nurse she should check, and see if I've progressed at all. She said that they usually check every 4 hours, but she asked what it felt like - "Uhh it feels like I have a bowling ball pushing on my bum & on my vajayjay." "Oh okay.. let me check.." Which was a good thing she did too because I was at 9 1/2 CM. So she hurries down the hall to call my doctor - comes back and tells me that we will start pushing at 10. BOOM!

Feeling pretty awesome about now. I felt absolutely nothing.

Finally, the time has come! The emotions that were flowing through me were so raw, and intense. I couldn't believe it. I was going to be a mom! When 10 PM rolled around everyone was kicked out except for Keagan and his mom. It was super nice and quiet, despite the screaming everytime I pushed. We all made bets to see what time he would come out, which we all failed at. Miserable. The time just kept clicking by. I did hard pushing for about 2 hours, which I puked the entire pushing time, and dude still didn't want out. My doctor came in to deliver him, and she decided that we needed to use forceps to help him out the rest of the way because he isn't able to push past my pubic bone. Luckily for this chick I couldn't feel a thing cause otherwise... Yeah.

Then at 12:48 AM our beautiful baby boy was finally out into the world. It was a gong show while he was coming out though. I had about 50 doctors and nurses in there all staring at my whoha, and all the blood pouring out, and the doctor teaching them what to do. Meanwhile I'm just staring at this kid I just birthed. Amazed. I was disappointed that they didn't flop him on my chest when he first came out. They just took him away to his bed thingy. I mean I couldn't hold him anyways when he first came out because I was to sick, and weak, and just shaking too badly. But still... It's the thought people!

2 Minutes Old

Renner's cord was indeed wrapped around his neck, but my doctor got it off of him immediately. He didn't really cry that much when he came out. He made a couple whimpers, but it was so peaceful and quiet. (Despite the gathers I had flocking to see what childbirth was like in the flesh.) He just looked around at everyone, and was so alert. I just stared, and talked to him. One of the doctors pointed out that he was trying to find my voice. Ren kept moving his head around in my direction trying to figure out where I was. It was incredible. 

After they made sure I was good, I was finally able to hold him, and he was perfect. I couldn't believe that this little baby was growing inside of me for 9 months, and I just gave him life. It was such an intense love that I can't even begin to describe that I felt for this tiny baby I held in my arms. He started stroking my fingers, which made me tear up, because he used to do that to my ribs when he was still in mah belly. Weird, and trippy. But endearing nonetheless. 

Now that it's been 2 weeks since he was born that intense love hasn't faded at all. I'm still reeling from the fact that I'm a mom, and we have a son. Keagan and I are parents now. It's incredible. I will say it is probably the hottest thing to see my husband take on the role of being a Dad, and watch him as he holds and takes care of our baby boy. I'm so thrilled to know that Ren will have such an amazing father to look up too. 

If you would have told me a few years ago that this is where I would be now I would of laughed in your face. I can't believe that I have a baby boy who depends on me to always be there for him for everything. That I would be okay with lack of sleep, survive on eating only pb&j's because that's what strength I have in me to spare, and to be a constant food source for him. I was completely petrified when we first brought him home, and I knew Keagan would be having to go back to work soon. Then one morning when sleep was so far gone, and I was just laying there staring at this beautiful baby it finally clicked, and I realized that I'm a mom now. It's such a surreal feeling, and it flooded me with such a warmth that it washed away my petrified feelings. I feel so comforted knowing that I can do this.

It's so amazing to me how Heavenly Father entrust us with these incredible little creatures during this life. I am so incredibly grateful for my little family, and I am so happy to know that Renner has the best guardian angel watching over him, as well as his Father in Heaven. I am so excited to watch him grow up, and see what type of person he will become. But for now I will cherish and love his newborn phase.