I've been feeling a little guilty for not breastfeeding Luna.
When she was born, she had 2 of the cutest little teeth on her bottom gums
which deterred me from it, but now they're gone.

She was amazing at nursing in the beginning.
As soon as she came out she was already searching, and trying to find the goods.
She latched perfectly, and it was the most incredible bonding experience.
But then her teeth wrecked my nips, and made them bleed in the first night.
She would bite + suck until my milk let down, and by then I was bawling my eyes out.

I was able to nurse Ren for 6 months until my milk dried up.
But the difference with Ren when he got his first two teeth,
was my nips had built up that callous before he got them.
Because you know, he got his first 2 at 5 months.

2 1/2 weeks was my limit with Luna.

I've gotten so many comments about how I could have pumped.
I did. For 2 weeks after I stopped nursing I pumped.
But it just wasn't enough for her.
I started supplementing, and as soon as I gave her that first bottle of formula,
she slept for 6 hours straight. Before it was only 1 1/2 - 2 hours.

I saw this post on Instagram the other day that actually hurt.
It was talking about how "breast is best" and mom's that formula feed,
unless of medical emergency, was a cop out and selfish.

To which I went, WHAAAT?

I LOVE seeing all of these beautiful breastfeeding photos on Instagram
I  f r e a k i n g  love it.
Seeing these photos with these mama's bonding like that with their babes
makes me tear up because it is so. freaking. beautiful.
I love it.

And then I started feeling ashamed.

Would my formula, bottling feeing photos be just as beautiful?

Would people think I was selfish?

Or a cop out because I couldn't deal with the pain?

I just didn't want anyone thinking less of me because I wasn't

breastfeeding my baby. 

I didn't want to be judged because I didn't suck up the pain of my 

nip being chewed on, when other mom's can nurse when their

babes have full sets of teeth, and I couldn't even handle two.

Then I kept seeing these Insta + blog posts shaming other
mom's for formula feeding their babies.
And all my fears were becoming a reality.
Clearly they were in the right because they have 15K followers, and
their words have more meaning than my feelings.. right?

And then I saw a couple of mama's in the mall.

One who was formula feeding.
And one who was nursing.
They were just chatting away with each other.
Not caring about who was right, or who was the selfless one with
how they were feeding their babies.

They were just feeding them.

And then I realized how unbelievably stupid I was being.

There is no right or wrong way when it comes to this subject.
There is only loving our babes.

Mom's who formula feed their babes are not selfish.
Mom's who breastfeed their babes are not selfish.
We all can agree that a FED baby is the best baby.
It really doesn't matter if it's breastmilk or formula.
As long as that precious babe gets food in their belly.

Who really cares if a mama choose to nurse or formula feeds her baby by choice?
And to shame any mom and call her selfish because she can't or
doesn't want to is a load of crap.
And I will always go up to bat for the mama who is being shamed.

Can't we all just love other mama's for being a good mama and feeding her baby?
I mean, formula is hella expensive.
And is hardly a "selfish" decision.
Juuuust sayin.

We need more l o v e in this community.
Social Media has called for people to become judge, jury + executioner,
and call for the heads of these beautiful mama's who are just trying to do
right for their babies, and family.

We need to show more a p p r e c i a t i o n.
To the mama's who stay home all day long to care for their children,
and home, and husband, and gets no break because it's their home +
can't find that solid line between work hours + relaxing hours.
Or the mama's who goes to work all day long + stay up with their newborn
or sick babes because we do what we gotta do.
Or the mama who can't nurse her baby, and has to formula feed because
her baby has teeth.
Or the mom's milk dried up.
Or because she just wants to have the freedom of not nursing.
Or the mom who does nurse and has been shamed into going into
another gross smelling room in the mall because random assholes think
breastfeeding is gross.
Or can't pump has to spend x amount of time nursing when she
really wants a break and go nap.
Or the mom who wants desperately to breastfeed her babe, but she can't because she's sick,
or her milk won't come in despite everything she does.
Or on, and on the reasons go..

We need to just be freaking  n i c e r.
To all of those women who take care of their babies and are doing their
damnest to just be accepted and loved by their fellow people.
And be told that we're doing a good job even if what we're doing
doesn't fall in line with what certain opinions are.

We just need to l o v e.
And to feed are damn babies.
Because fed is better.
And shaming mom's is not.

So you do you mama.
Don't let anyone make you think that you
are anything less than AMAZING.
Because you truly are.

You got this.
+ I always got yo back.

Save

LUNA-JO FOX

When we found out that I was pregnant I was terrified.

I had been through three miscarriages last year, and I was done.
I had given up, and felt so broken.
I felt a pain deep within my soul that I felt couldn't be healed.

I figured the endometriosis had done it's damage, and taken my ability to carry another baby.
And by doctors evaluations, I probably wouldn't be able to carry another.
So when we started trying last year, we were going off faith + hope.
But after the last miscarriage, I felt my body was rejecting me.
I felt that I was being punished.
I was at my absolute lowest.

Then one day, I just stopped.
I stopped feeling guilty.
I stopped hating my body for how it was created.
I stopped tormenting myself for having these feelings.
And I started loving myself.
I started focusing on the things I could control, and let go of what I couldn't.
I started feeling more grateful for the life I have, and the people I have in it.
Especially for the beautiful child we had already created.

Then one night, a few months after the last miscarriage, I started feeling sickish.
I had an inkling that I might be pregnant, but I was too scared to really test it.
But Keagan so cutely had snuck to the store to get me medicine + treats.
And also, a pregnancy test.
He told me to just test, and see, and whatever happened, we would go through it together.

So I went into the bathroom, and sat on the floor while waiting for the results.
Keagan quietly crept in and sat beside me, and grabbed the test off the counter.
He handed it to me without looking, and told me to tell him what it said.

The test was positive.
We bursted into tears, and just held onto each other on the floor of the bathroom.
It was such a beautiful sight. But also a terrifying one.
Would this baby make it? Would my body be strong + healthy enough to hold onto it?
And after we reached the 16 week mark, we finally started to let go of the fears.

At 32 weeks, we decided to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.
We asked Renner in the beginning if he thought he was going to have a brother or sister.
He immediately said, "s i s t e r".

I should also point out that at ultrasound sesh, my mom +ren 

both shouted they were right after we found out we were having a girl.

But to be honest, I was terrified when we found out that I was pregnant with a girl.
I always just figured I would be a mama to boys.
I had this idea in my head that I would be an awesome mom to boys, and a crappy one to girls.
It's a stupid thing, I know.
But as soon as that baby girl was placed into my arms, every single worry vanished.

I started going into labor on her actual due date, July 21, but she popped out a few days later.
I mean, she is my daughter. Gotta make an entrance when she's ready. Not when everyone else is.

It was a bit different this time around.
With Ren I was induced.
It was hard + fast.
But with Luna Jo it slowly progressed + wasn't unbearable in the beginning.

Labor started around Friday night. Small contractions with the bloody show.
Nothing super intense. But Saturday is when it started getting rougher.
My doctor was on vacation until Sunday, so I wanted to try and push it until then, but not
really knowing anything about what happens when going into labor naturally I got a bit worried.
So we packed a couple bags, and Keagan + I went to Labor + Delivery while my Mama stayed home
with Ren Ren and played.

The nurses in L&D are always amazing at the hospital we delivered in.
We were so lucky with the nurses we got with Ren, and I was praying we got amazing ones
with Luna Jo as well. We weren't disappointed. Unfortunately, the doctor we got on call
wasn't the greatest. He works at the same clinic as my doctor, so I knew of him, and was
super sad when I learned he was the one there that day. He came in and was abrupt, and not
very kind. He learned of my medical history, and ridiculed me for being on pain medication
for my endo during pregnancy, and then said I wasn't in actual labor and to go home.

g r e e e e a t. 

So that night I slept on our recliner and watched Bones + How I Met Your Mother all night,

while struggling with contractions getting more intense by the minute.

At 11AM that next Sunday morning, I told Keagan + my Mama that we needed 

to go to the ER because I was in labor. 

Luckily we were still all packed up from yesterday,
so we through everything back into the car, and took off.

We literally live like 2 blocks away from the hospital so my mom
dropped us off, and told us that when it was time to start pushing
to call her and she'll come back.

Once we got up into L&D we found out that my doctor was on call,
and I almost started crying on the spot.
I felt like the stars were aligning.

My mom had to go home on Wednesday morning.
So when I went into labor only a couple days after her original due date,
I was so freaking happy. Heavenly Father had heard my prayers, and pleads.
We were a little worried that Luna-Jo's due date might be in August just because
she was measuring so small. But dis mama knew.
Mostly because she was an anniversary baby. So like I said. Mama knew.

So finally, they got me dressed in the glorious hospital gown,
and got me in the bed with those cozy warm hospital blankets.

When my doctor finally came in to see me we found out that I was just
over 4 1/2 CM dilated, and they weren't going to send me home.

They talked me into going into the shower, and I literally stayed there for over
half an hour with Keags spraying the hot water onto my back. It was amazing.

Bless his sexy, beautiful, perfect soul.

Then I sat on the bouncy ball and bounced while he read me
funny stories + put on Community for me.

And after I couldn't take the bouncing anymore, we decided to go walking around
the L&D Ward + heard all those beautiful screams from other mama's in labor.
I couldn't handle the back pain anymore after about 45 minutes of walking around.
I complained to the nurse, and sure enough, we found out that Luna was sunny side up. 

Her knees + legs were against my stomach wall, instead of her back.
And the back pain was getting more and more intense with each contraction.

About a couple hours later, my doctor came back in and checked me.
I was at about 5 1/2 CM, and was struggling with the contractions.
At about 2 PM we decided to break my water and get things moving. 

This time was a lot more painful than when she broke water with Ren.

Then tears started flowing and my teeth were clinched + then came the 

overwhelming tightening of my stomach. 

+ now enter in stage two of labor
And a whole lot of freaking laughing gas.

Contractions started coming harder and faster.

They felt different from my first labor process.

Ren's contractions felt unnatural, + harsh from the induction.

Luna's felt deeper, + uninhibited from coming on naturally.

I wanted to try and do this without an epidural this time around.

I watched Community, and laughed through the pain + tears with Keags holding my

hand through every contraction. 

I breathed deeper than I ever had in my entire life. 

That laughing gas was a saving grace during those unbearable moments.

Then finally at about 6 CM I reached my breaking point. 

I told Keagan after a really hard contraction, 

"You know what. Screw this. I'm in pain every single day of my life.

And I want to remember my babies births pain free."

About a half an hour later, and the anesnteiologist came and gave me the run down.
Told him I knew the risks, and to strap me the hell up.
From there it was similar to Renner's birth.
Numbness from the mid-abdomen down.
But I could feel the pressure this time telling me when I was having a contraction.
For that I was grateful.
And I slept for an hour to gain my strength for the pushing.

I still couldn't move my legs - just like with Ren's birth.
So when they tried to get her to rotate, and to see if she would move from her
posterior position, the nurse + keagan had to physically lift my legs and turn my hips
to get me to have this peanut shaped balloon between my legs for an hour.

It was f a n t a s t i c. 

She never moved.

sarcasm at its finest

Then finally, I started to feel it.
That pressure on the lower half of my body telling me to push.
I looked to Keagan and told him to tell my Mom to get here.

NOW.

The nurse came in to check, and sure enough, I was at 10 CM ready to start pushing.
I told Keagan to text my Mom to hurry.

She had to be there for the birth of this babe. 

My last babe. 

My rainbow babe.

My doctor came in, and sat down to check everything.
She knew how important it was for my mom to be there, and was so unbelievably sweet about it.

Have I mentioned how much I love my doctor?

Because she is an amazing woman.

She said to give a push to see how things progress, and sure enough, Luna's head was right there.
My doctor was so kind about it though.
She told me that we could spread out the pushes since I wasn't in pain,
and she wasn't in any distress.

I pushed a total of five times in 15 minutes.
And on the 6th push, my mom burst through the door, and in that same moment, Luna-Jo was born.
The saying "perfect timing" was the epitome of this moment.

Six beautiful, peaceful pushes, and my precious baby girl was brought into this world.

They placed her on my chest.
And the entire world just stopped.
I no longer focused on the doctors finishing the delivery + taking my placenta out.
Or on the countless nurses checking on me + asking me a million questions.
Or my beautiful mama talking a million photos.

All I saw was h e r.
She became my rainbow that burst through the dark skies.

And every single worry or terrified feeling of 

having a daughter was washed away.

I felt brave, and empowered. 

I felt honored to have been given this 

moment to raise this perfect creature.

I just felt complete peace.

When the nurse placed Luna on my chest, and was giving her a little look over,

I heard her say,

"I think this baby was born with teeth!"

That was definitely an unexpected surprise.

But she totally did discovered that she was born with two tiny teeth on her bottom gums.

I laughed, and said,

"No haha. No, she doesn't. No way."

But she did indeed have teeth.

Which made nursing difficult.

She wanted to nurse so bad, and had an amazing latch.

But she would bite + bite, and then finally my milk would let down.

And then my tears would start flowing because of the pain.

The next day my Mama brought in Renner to come to meet her.

He had been so unbelievably excited to meet his baby sister.

But when it came time to actually meeting her, he was super hesitant.

My mom asked him if he was afraid of her, and he whispered,

"No. I'm just afraid I'm going to hurt her."

Ren meeting Luna was honestly was the sweetest thing I've ever experienced.

And one that will forever be engrained in my heart + mind.

I've never seen him more reverent. 

And once he finally held her, it was like he was experiencing what I had the first time I held her.

His world stopped, and all he could see was her.

He fell in complete love with her. 

She was born on Sunday night, and we were finally released on Wednesday morning.

And while her birthing process might have been a lot easier than Renner's was.

The after portion at the hospital was rough. It was a long, emotional stay. 

One that was filled with a lot of guilt + pain.

They were keeping a close eye on her to make sure she was doing okay, and not withdrawing 

from the medication I had to take while I was pregnant with her.

She was perfectly healthy + was totally fine. I was super emotional, and upset with her 

pediatrician because he was making me feel like I was a lesser person for needing the pain 

medication while pregnant. But I calmly explained how it was either that, 

or hospitalization for the last trimester - like it was with Renner.

I found my doctor while trying to talk to one of the nurses and bawled my eyes out to her.

Told her everything that had been happening, and how some of the nurses 

and the pediatrician weren't the kindest to me. 

And to say she raged against them all is putting it lightly.

She demanded we be released immediately.

She has been in my life since Ren was born, 

and knows my painful journey with e n d o.

My story about how she has helped me, 

and loved me through all the crap end has to offer, 

and helped deliver Ren Ren h e r e.

I don't know why I was so scared of raising a daughter.

Maybe it was fear that I would screw her up.

Fear I couldn't protect her from the dark things in this world.

Fear karma would come back and bite me in the ass.

Fear she would go through the things I did.

But then I realized everything I went through made me who I am today.

And dammit, I actually like who I am now.

Regardless of what happens in her life, I've made it my goal to help her love herself, 

no matter what.

My mom was an amazing mama to me.

Plus I was even more blessed to have my sister + sister in law raising, + guiding me along with her.

And if I am even half the woman that those three are, I think I'll these kids I got will be aight.

NUMBERS

FOUR.

the number of chocolate chip muffins i've eaten today

THREE.

the number of hours i slept last night

TWO. 

the number of days i've worn makeup this week

SEVEN.

the number of times i've sat down and got back up in the last 5 minutes

TWENTY.

the number of times i've dreamt about waterton today

FIVE.

the number of times i've washed + rewashed the clothes in the washer because i've forgotten about them

SIX.

the number of times i've watched Dante's Peak in the last 2 days

ONE.

the number of dates i am desperate to go on with the man

ONE HUNDRED.

the number of iced pumpkin spiced lattes i plan to have this fall/winter

LOVE YO-SELF

Today has been a hard day. I was contemplating whether or not to share this story with y'all, but I just felt that I needed too. This moment has been a crucial part of my own inner worth. I hope it will help you as well. 

I had a lot of errands to run with the kid today. We first had to drop Keagan off at work, so we could have the vehicle to go to my doctors to get a refill on my prescriptions. Long story short, I have been doing my immigration for much too long, and I had been told my Alberta Health Care (AHC) was on. Well, when I got to my doctors, turns out, I was told wrong, and I had to end up paying for my doctors appointment. Very frustrating, but okay. 

Then we wait to see the doctor for about 20 minutes. By then it was 10:45 AM.

We hadn't had breakfast yet, because I didn't realize that it would take 4 hours for everything to be done. 

(Kid + No Food = HELL)

Finally, we get called into the doctors office.

He then tells me that I actually still have a refill on my medicine, UGH, 

even though my prescription bottle said "0 Refills", and so did the pharmacy.

My doctor said, "nope they are dumb, blah blah blah. You just wasted your time, and money." 

Just kidding, he didn't actually say that. But he might as well have.

Faaaan-freakin-tastic. 

11:10 AM : Next, we go over to the pharmacy. She tells me that it will probably be half an hour or so, and I can sit and wait or they'll call me when it's done. Meh. Ren seemed to be doing good, and I figured I could bribe him with a Kinder Egg, and games on mah phone, then when it's done we'll go home, and EAT.

"It shouldn't take too long" my mind was saying to me, "Just stay and wait. It will take more effort to go to the car, strap the kid in, drive home,go into the house, then he'll want to nap, and then we'd have to repeat everything.. and meh. We'll just stay". 

Worst. Mistake. Ever. 

Why you gotta play me like that mind? WHY?!

Now, Renner wasn't at his complete worst. But he wasn't his best either. 

The kid was hungry and sleepy y'all! What kid wouldn't be a bit grouchy. Even I was a little hangry. 

So he cried off and on. Ran around aisles while I browsed them. 45 minutes goes by, and I've almost reached my level. I went up and asked them how much longer it will be, and they said it'd be done soon, so I figured we'd already waited this long. 5 more minutes won't be that much harder. 

So I picked up Ren, so he could snuggle with me, while I browsed some more. Then I noticed this very beautiful, very, well, posh (for lack of a better word) woman, or as I now refer to her as Dragon Lady, walk around the corner.

I go to move out of her way, but she stops directly in front of me and says these words I will never forget. 

"So, are you going to even try to control your kid to seem like a half decent parent? Or are you just going to let him continue to act like this?" / Gesturing to Renner softly crying on my shoulder. 

I honestly was to stunned to say anything, so all I said back to her was, 

"Um. Excuse me?" 

She then went to say, "I've been in this store for half an hour, and during half that time all I've heard was your son, screaming and crying, and acting completely unbelievable. Like honestly, do you feel good about yourself when he does that? Because I couldn't imagine you would." 

I then finally gain some courage back after facing literal shock for someone speaking to me that way. 

In public. 

In front of people walking by. 

And loud enough for others to hear aisles over. 

"Well, I'm sorry if he was a disturbance to you, but it is not appropriate 

for you to just call me out like that. You don't know me.."

"Nor do I care too. I just don't understand how you can condone his behavior. Well, not that you really look like you would care enough about anything from how you're looking today."

"I'm sorry. You said what now?"

"You know I just don't understand parents these days. Letting their children run around, screaming and such. Unbelievable."

"Okay, well I don't appreciate you calling me a bad mother. Nor disrespecting my child, or how I parent him."

"If you are feeling like you are a bad mother then that is on you."

"Well, I would hope that you could show at least some compassion to

 a mother trying to wrangle a 3 year old while waiting on her prescriptions."

"I honestly don't have the time to sit here and carry a full conversation out about what bad parenting is. I just figured I would let you know how disruptive your child was behaving."

Then as quickly as she came, she left. 

Stunned is pretty much the only word I could describe how I was feeling.

Shame. Horrified. Embarrassed. The adjectives could never cease! 

She said a lot more hurtful things that truly cut deep. Things that I have been deeply struggling with. 

That anyone who has every parented a 3 year old before has gone through. 

Raising a child is hard. Straight up.

There is no rule book, or guide line to help you through every single step of raising this tiny human being.

And when someone, especially someone I don't know, can see through me, and cut my guilt a little bit deeper.

It resonates. It hurts. And it sucks. 

But then the cutest lady walked over to me. 

She saw me in tears, and reached out to hug me.

She whispered to me,

"Don't let the harsh words of a stranger, make you feel lesser of a mother. I know first hand the difficulties of being a parent. A single one at that. You can do what you can, and if people look down on you for it, that is their problem. Not yours. That boy loves you. You are his mama. And no one can take that away from you. Stay strong, beautiful."

I cried. Harder from her sweet words, than the harsh ones that were spoken minutes before that.

It made me remember who I am. Who I truly am inside. 

And that it's okay to not have everything together, 24/7! 

It's okay to leave your home with some stains on your favorite pair of comfy pants. 

And to have your hair thrown up in a half messy bun.

It's okay to not notice that your child's pants were just a bit too short on him.

It's okay to grab the pair of flats that have chipped away the cute blush color on them because they are your absolute fave, and you refuse to retire them.

It's okay to cry in the middle of Shoppers, because a lady ripped your soul apart.

And because another lady helped repair it.

And it's okay to walk out, after all of that struggle, even after waiting an hour for your prescription to be done, and not bother grabbing it.

In the end, the angry woman did teach me something.
She taught me to love myself.
Strange right?
You guys are probably thinking, giiiiirl you cray cray!
You shoulda back handed her and slashed her tires!

But nah, foreal.
She showed me the darkest part of where my mind could go, if I let it.
But I couldn't handle that feeling.
Been there before, and I REFUSED to go back.

Renner could even feel the darkness of my aura.
I felt dirty. Wrong. And just feeling sick.
He began to cry even more than before.
He was just as off as I was.


Then, I unshackled that part, and gave into a new one.
Love.
I loved myself too much to let that crap consume me.
I broke free from it. And I instantly felt so much better.
I still have a long jounery ahead toward complete self acceptance.
But I made a huge jump today towards it.

Now, I'm not perfect.
I get angry too quickly. 

My house is always a mess. 

There is always something on our kitchen table. 

Toys spew across the floor. 

The never ending laundry that is growing at the foot of my bed.
ETC.

But I know what is perfect.
And that is the love I have for my family. 

For my husband.

For our child.
For my in laws.
For our amazing friends.

The one thing I know about this world, and its sad, but people will hurt you for being you.

They will hurt you for being someone else.
They will hurt you if you make a mistake.

The only thing you can do, is love yourself, and keep moving forward.

And that's exactly what I intend to keep doing! 

And to all my peeps needing a little self lovin themselves, or are just having a hard time.

I challenge you to post your favorite picture of yourself, quote, landscape, WHATEVER. 

Anything that makes you feel loved inside.

Then tag it with /  #LOVEYOSELF

Everyone is worth being loved, and receiving love.

& Yes. Even dragon lady.

being a mom is hard

do you ever feel like you're doing everything wrong?

like everything you do is never right, or will get better?

it honestly is the worst feeling to me.

and, i feel that way the majority of the time as a mom. 

i never really pictured myself being a mom while I was growing up, much less being a good one.

and in a world where the outside image is worth more than the inside.. well, it’s hard to go through that world, and always try to measure up to your own view of what perfection is, much less every else's. 

i have this awful habit of concentrating on the bad things, and letting it go.

and it just builds. and builds. and builds. 

until well.. 

b o o m.

and that doesn’t help, or make anyone in our family happy. ever. 

especially, me. 

but being a mom is hard.

you know, i had this idea in my head that, yeah, it seems quite difficult, but you deal with the problems and move on.

but i never realize just how plain  a g o n i z i n g  it can be at times. 

and in the beginning it was fine. 

i loved having this perfect newborn in my arms.

then that newborn grew into a toddler. 

and that toddler grew into a two, almost three-ager, and somedays, well, I quite literally want to pull every single hair out, one at a time because that would be less painful than hearing him cry, scream, or whine just one more time.

somedays, I feel like this evil little gnome has crawled inside my perfect, precious boy.

no for reals. 

one minute, i'll be looking at his completely swoon-worthy chubby cheeked face, with his cute little teeth, perfect button nose, and the most beautiful caramelized eyes I have ever seen, and then the next minute all I see is this scary creature staring back at me.

shrieking like a little banshee because I didn’t get the cheese out fast enough.

or because he wanted to wear his slip on “piderman shoes” when there is 20 feet of snow outside.

or because I didn’t let him play “crossy road” on my phone.

and for that brief moment, I break. 

i tell myself.. 

I can’t do this. 

I can’t ever be alone. I can never seem to get enough sleep. My body hurts. My house is always a mess. My clothes are always covered in something. I can never talk on the phone without hearing screams, even though he was perfectly content playing by himself 2 seconds prior. I can’t eat alone. I can’t shower alone. I can’t read a book alone. I can’t go to the bathroom alone. I can’t just run into the thrift store, or Sephora for a few minutes without having to cater to a raging monster freaking out. I can’t stop stubbing my toes on his giant tractors or trucks..

and then everything goes quiet after shouting “ow” from hitting those freaking trucks for the millionth time.. 

then I hear his footsteps running up the stairs to me, yelling, 

“Oh no! You okay, Mom?! You okay?!”  

and my entire mind stops spinning. 

and I remember him running and jumping up on our bed while I'm trying to blog, and attempting to cover us up under the blankets saying, “Hide, Mom! Hide from Dad!"

i remember him grabbing his blankies, sippy, paci, + chase, to come and snuggle with me on the couch while I am reading.

i remember him hearing me tell Keagan I wanted a bagel, so he ran to the kitchen to bring me the entire bag of bagels + the strawberry cream cheese that I love from the fridge.

i remember him seeing Jennifer Lawrence on the TV, and him shouting, "MOM! You on the show!". (thats real love folks)

i remember him hugging me, and brushing my tears away, and saying, "It's okay, mom. It's okay" when I read a letter my dad had written me before he passed away.

i remember him always saying sorry to me whenever he bumped into me, or when i step / trip / fall on his stuff and hurt myself.

i remember him always wanting to help me stand up if I was having a hard day.

i remember the first time he said, “I love you, mama”.

i remember that creeper smile he does when he wants to make me laugh.

i remember him trying to sing me back to sleep one night he crawled into bed with us.

i remember that my life is damn good.

i remember that I made an amazing kid, with the most amazing man.

i remember that I love my boys.

and all of the hardships, the guilt, the pain, the sadness, the anger, the self-pity just melts away.

i might get things wrong somedays, but the one thing i know i did right, was becoming a wife, and mom.

being a mom is hard. 

but i wouldn’t give it up for  a n y t h i n g.

mommy monster / round two

All I wanted to do was finish reading this page I was on. That's it people. Wasn't asking for much. Just to simply find out what was going to happen in this thrilling chapter, so I could focus on what was happening right in front of me. But no. Wasn't happenin'. This 3 foot something, fire breathing, screaming semblance of my kid, would not allow it. Needless to say, the Mommy Monster started to wake up from her long slumber. And she was ticked.

I mean, how dare he not let me finish reading this ONE part? Doesn't he realize all that I do for him? Doesn't he know that I need my own time? Doesn't he know the agonizing hours of labor I went through to bring him into this world? I mean really, did he need me to pay attention to him right that minute? Probably not! So, after the 4th head butt to my leg, I slammed my tea down on the table, for dramatic effect, because THAT. WAS. IT.

Obviously, it splashed everywhere. Which only made me even more mad. "Really, Ren? Come on!" Of course, it was his fault that the tea spilled! Then I had to get up, and go in search of a towel, only to realize, oh hey, they were all in the dirty clothes. You've got to be freaking kidding me. I go into the laundry room, muttering to myself about how I never get time alone to do anything, and how, just for one day, I'd love to just sit and read by myself. No distractions. No crying. No whining. No nothing. Just quiet. While still fuming over the woes of my life, I come out into the living room to see Ren already cleaning up my spilled tea with some diaper wipes. He had grabbed them from under the couch, opened the lid, and pulled some out to wipe it up for me. I immediately dropped the towel I was holding, ran over to him, and just held him with tears pouring down my face. We're talking ugly sobbing.

Sometimes, I get so caught up in my own head that I don't look up from what I'm doing, and just see what is happening right in front of me. This kid is precious beyond anything I've ever imagined, and it's moments like these that make me cherish the life I have. The best part was when I was holding him, and he gave me this quizzical look, wiped my tears, said, "oh no", then gave me a kiss. My heart is full, even though I feel like a complete a-hole. Although, this picture does make me feel a bit better about myself.

#wheremahothermommymonstersat

Magic of Moms.

Motherhood ; The highest and most holiest calling.  

Being a mom is terrifying. It's hard, painful, and rewarding; exciting, gross {at times}, and sticky; exhausting, stressful, and wonderful.  But most of all, it's beautiful. 

I woke up at 3 this morning with thoughts bursting around my mind. At a few failed attempts to go back to sleep, I got up and decided to watch an episode, or four, of House (my favee). 6 AM rolled around, and I still wasn't tired. I heard Renner start to stir. {When he usually wakes up this early we give him a bottle of milk, and he goes back to sleep - monnayyy, what whaat.} Then I decided to go back to bed before Keagan had to get up for work in a half an hour to get some extra snuggles in.

As I laid there I kept thinking about what it was like before we had Renner. Being "newly" married was so much fun. We could hop in the car at anytime we wanted, and head to the gas station for some late night treats. Or go on a spontaneous trip to some crazy place, and not have to worry about packing a bunch of stuff. Just grab what we needed, then bounce.

Life was so much simpler then. We didn't over think everything. We never had to worry about "baby proofing". It didn't matter if we left our Dr. Pepper cans on our coffee table, or food (well, actually anything for that matter). But it was missing something.

It was missing the food on the ground. The midnight dashes in desperation hoping to find any open gas station, close to our house, to get a jug of milk. The christened 3 P's {pee, poo, puke} on every piece of furniture. The never ending squeal and laughter ringing through out our halls. The sense of love, and the Spirit so strongly felt. The crumbs all over our feet from his "cook cook's". The pots, pans, and tupperware spewed all over our kitchen. The little finger prints that cake our TV, and can't bare to wash off because we know one day they won't be there. The open mouth kisses. The playing chase around the house, and having him laugh hysterically. We were missing, him.

Sometimes, as mom's, we don't feel adequate, and equipped enough to handle certain situations that are placed in front of us. I know I do. I am terrified most of the time. But whenever I feel doubt, I kneel down, and I pray for strength. Almost immediately, I feel relief. I feel uplifted.


Having this little person always counting on you.
Always.. wanting and needing your attention, and for you to hold them.
Needing every spare second you have to throw a ball, back and forth.
Watching them take their first tentative steps toward you. 

Having you sit in their room for half an hour, so they can show you
every single toy they have for the millionth time. 

Saying their first words. 

It's beautiful.

I am humbled, everyday. I am reminded that I am not here on this Earth for myself. I'm here to help grow, and strengthen my family. Being a mother has pushed me to look deep within myself, and find out who I truly am.

Renner, has rocked my view of the world. I never would have guessed that I would become a mom at 21. {Seriously, I would of laughed in your face if you told me that I would be a couple years ago.} It was an amazing surprise when we found out. 2 weeks prior I found out my Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer. He passed away 6 weeks after that, but he went knowing that his baby girl was going to be baring a new life. I knew with a surety that Heavenly Father wouldn't take my Dad, without giving me a boy in return. I just, knew. Now, along with some awesome traits of his, he also carries my dad's middle name. 

{Renner Duane Paisley}

Every day there is a new found struggle in my days as a mom. But everyday is there is also magic to be found.

I am blessed to have a mom that shows me unconditional love, and support. She is my best friend, and my hero. I wouldn't be here without her. (Literally) She answers all of my frantic phone calls when I think Ren might be dying, and she always lovingly tells me, he will be fine. I am proud to say that some of her eccentric, and sometimes frazzled, personality is rubbing off on me. She is my number 1. 

I am blessed to have an amazing mother-in-law, who raised Keagan to be such an amazing man. Who shared with him the Gospel. And showed him all the beautiful in this life, even with all the horrors he faced as a youth. 

I am blessed to have the 2 most amazing sisters in my life; that always acted like they were my mom ;) 

I am grateful for all of the women in my life, and those around me.

Now, I don't know if my body will be able to handle another pregnancy. We will try. But if it was only meant to be for one, I will gladly accept that. Heavenly Father allowed me to experience this beautiful moment. I have learned more about life, and love in the past 14 months, than in my entire 22 years on this Earth.

I am so proud, and honored to be able to have the title, Mom.

Happy Mothers Day, to all of you beautiful ladies. 

#itwasmom

Amazing Friend & Some Photos.

My amazing friend, Alyssa, did a photo shoot of Ren & me a few weeks ago. It was such a fun, and special time with me and my cute boy, just laying on our bed laughing, and just being real. He loves when I hold him up in the air, and when we are just snuggling.  

{If you look closely you can see a kiss on his cheek from my lipstick.} 
 I love candid photos like these, and Alyssa knows exactly what she is doing. 

This girl has some straight raw talent that she was blessed with. There are so many photographers in the world today, but not all of them can capture moments like these, and know the exact time to push the trigger, so your clients have that precious moment frozen forever. You have to feel the moment, and be in it with the person (people) you are trying to capture.

Her blog & website are /

Studio Camp Photography {Blog}

Studio Camp Photography {Website}

 

  

"...and she loved a little boy very, very much --

                                          even more than she loved

                                                                                        herself."

- "The Giving Tree"