WHY.

NO. 

its happening again. 

i can’t breathe.

i can’t think. 

all I feel is the pain. 

i was fine a second ago. 

i was laughing for hells sake. 

keags just told me the funniest joke while I

was just going to get water. 

+ it hit me. 

why is does this keep happening? 

i can’t move. 

i’m hunched over, holding onto the counter

trying to stay calm so I don’t push it over the 

edge, but also trying to not alert everyone in 

the living room what’s happening.

the razors are invisible but they’re there. 

the agonizing weight + pressure is invisible, 

but it’s there. 

threatening to press me down further into the 

rabbit hole of darkness + pain. 

why is this my life? 

my breathing is becoming labored + keagan 

just asked me a question. 

“I’m fine” I want to say but I can’t. 

if I break concentration I’ll break. 

the pain will flood in even more + I’ll drop the 

last of my reserve. the last of my will power to 

not succumb to it. 

I hear his footsteps now. 

+ my anxiety rises. 

why does this always happen when I was FINE A SECOND AGO? 

“baby, are you okay?” 

“I’m fine” I want to say but it comes out as a huff

he sees my fingers gripping the counter

for support. 

“let’s get you to the couch” 

he’s trying to lift me. 

“STOP” I finally say. 

“I can’t.. I can’t move. I need a minute.” 

“okay.. it’s okay baby. just breathe.” 

he’s running his fingers along my back.

whispering encouraging words to me.

but I can’t hear them. 

the worst passes for a short window + I 

squeeze his hand letting him know I’m okay to 

be moved now. 

he lifts me up + I scream. 

i’m holding him for support as he carefully 

leads me to the couch. 

why won’t this stop? 

I’m sobbing now. 

+ collapse onto the couch. 

“it’s okay, baby. take this.” 

he hands me medicine + water. 

why am I like this? 

I can’t do this for the next 40 years. 

ren comes out of his room + sees me crying. 

“mom, are you hurting? can I help?” 

why are my children so unlucky to have a mother who is broken? 

“I’m okay baby. go back + play.” 

I give him a weak smile beneath my tears. 

he walks over, slowly sits on the couch +

puts his head on my legs. 

“I love you mom. it’s going to be okay. just deep breaths.” 

I look at keags. 

he smiles at me + rubs the hair out of my face. 

he mouths, “I love you” 

why am I so freaking blessed to be able to be in this family? 

this story is a normal part of our day. 

somedays I can go without falling. 

somedays I have to crawl to get luna out of her crib. 

somedays I am able to dance, sing + play. 

somedays I am sobbing into my pillow wanting 

to die. 

endometriosis affects 1 in 10 women. 

it is insane to me that the average age of getting diagnosed is 27 years old.

i first started experiencing symptoms at the age of 12.

i was diagnosed at the age of 16 with stage four endo.

you are not crazy.

you are not invisible.

you are a beautiful, and do not deserve this.

but you are strong, and a badass.

you are loved. 

and you are NOT your pain.

never stop fighting.

even through the pain - we are WARRIORS.

never forget that. even through the flare ups + tears.