Today has been a hard day. I was contemplating whether or not to share this story with y'all, but I just felt that I needed too. This moment has been a crucial part of my own inner worth. I hope it will help you as well. 

I had a lot of errands to run with the kid today. We first had to drop Keagan off at work, so we could have the vehicle to go to my doctors to get a refill on my prescriptions. Long story short, I have been doing my immigration for much too long, and I had been told my Alberta Health Care (AHC) was on. Well, when I got to my doctors, turns out, I was told wrong, and I had to end up paying for my doctors appointment. Very frustrating, but okay. 

Then we wait to see the doctor for about 20 minutes. By then it was 10:45 AM.

We hadn't had breakfast yet, because I didn't realize that it would take 4 hours for everything to be done. 

(Kid + No Food = HELL)

Finally, we get called into the doctors office.

He then tells me that I actually still have a refill on my medicine, UGH, 

even though my prescription bottle said "0 Refills", and so did the pharmacy.

My doctor said, "nope they are dumb, blah blah blah. You just wasted your time, and money." 

Just kidding, he didn't actually say that. But he might as well have.

Faaaan-freakin-tastic. 

11:10 AM : Next, we go over to the pharmacy. She tells me that it will probably be half an hour or so, and I can sit and wait or they'll call me when it's done. Meh. Ren seemed to be doing good, and I figured I could bribe him with a Kinder Egg, and games on mah phone, then when it's done we'll go home, and EAT.

"It shouldn't take too long" my mind was saying to me, "Just stay and wait. It will take more effort to go to the car, strap the kid in, drive home,go into the house, then he'll want to nap, and then we'd have to repeat everything.. and meh. We'll just stay". 

Worst. Mistake. Ever. 

Why you gotta play me like that mind? WHY?!

Now, Renner wasn't at his complete worst. But he wasn't his best either. 

The kid was hungry and sleepy y'all! What kid wouldn't be a bit grouchy. Even I was a little hangry. 

So he cried off and on. Ran around aisles while I browsed them. 45 minutes goes by, and I've almost reached my level. I went up and asked them how much longer it will be, and they said it'd be done soon, so I figured we'd already waited this long. 5 more minutes won't be that much harder. 

So I picked up Ren, so he could snuggle with me, while I browsed some more. Then I noticed this very beautiful, very, well, posh (for lack of a better word) woman, or as I now refer to her as Dragon Lady, walk around the corner.

I go to move out of her way, but she stops directly in front of me and says these words I will never forget. 

"So, are you going to even try to control your kid to seem like a half decent parent? Or are you just going to let him continue to act like this?" / Gesturing to Renner softly crying on my shoulder. 

I honestly was to stunned to say anything, so all I said back to her was, 

"Um. Excuse me?" 

She then went to say, "I've been in this store for half an hour, and during half that time all I've heard was your son, screaming and crying, and acting completely unbelievable. Like honestly, do you feel good about yourself when he does that? Because I couldn't imagine you would." 

I then finally gain some courage back after facing literal shock for someone speaking to me that way. 

In public. 

In front of people walking by. 

And loud enough for others to hear aisles over. 

"Well, I'm sorry if he was a disturbance to you, but it is not appropriate 

for you to just call me out like that. You don't know me.."

"Nor do I care too. I just don't understand how you can condone his behavior. Well, not that you really look like you would care enough about anything from how you're looking today."

"I'm sorry. You said what now?"

"You know I just don't understand parents these days. Letting their children run around, screaming and such. Unbelievable."

"Okay, well I don't appreciate you calling me a bad mother. Nor disrespecting my child, or how I parent him."

"If you are feeling like you are a bad mother then that is on you."

"Well, I would hope that you could show at least some compassion to

 a mother trying to wrangle a 3 year old while waiting on her prescriptions."

"I honestly don't have the time to sit here and carry a full conversation out about what bad parenting is. I just figured I would let you know how disruptive your child was behaving."

Then as quickly as she came, she left. 

Stunned is pretty much the only word I could describe how I was feeling.

Shame. Horrified. Embarrassed. The adjectives could never cease! 

She said a lot more hurtful things that truly cut deep. Things that I have been deeply struggling with. 

That anyone who has every parented a 3 year old before has gone through. 

Raising a child is hard. Straight up.

There is no rule book, or guide line to help you through every single step of raising this tiny human being.

And when someone, especially someone I don't know, can see through me, and cut my guilt a little bit deeper.

It resonates. It hurts. And it sucks. 

But then the cutest lady walked over to me. 

She saw me in tears, and reached out to hug me.

She whispered to me,

"Don't let the harsh words of a stranger, make you feel lesser of a mother. I know first hand the difficulties of being a parent. A single one at that. You can do what you can, and if people look down on you for it, that is their problem. Not yours. That boy loves you. You are his mama. And no one can take that away from you. Stay strong, beautiful."

I cried. Harder from her sweet words, than the harsh ones that were spoken minutes before that.

It made me remember who I am. Who I truly am inside. 

And that it's okay to not have everything together, 24/7! 

It's okay to leave your home with some stains on your favorite pair of comfy pants. 

And to have your hair thrown up in a half messy bun.

It's okay to not notice that your child's pants were just a bit too short on him.

It's okay to grab the pair of flats that have chipped away the cute blush color on them because they are your absolute fave, and you refuse to retire them.

It's okay to cry in the middle of Shoppers, because a lady ripped your soul apart.

And because another lady helped repair it.

And it's okay to walk out, after all of that struggle, even after waiting an hour for your prescription to be done, and not bother grabbing it.

In the end, the angry woman did teach me something.
She taught me to love myself.
Strange right?
You guys are probably thinking, giiiiirl you cray cray!
You shoulda back handed her and slashed her tires!

But nah, foreal.
She showed me the darkest part of where my mind could go, if I let it.
But I couldn't handle that feeling.
Been there before, and I REFUSED to go back.

Renner could even feel the darkness of my aura.
I felt dirty. Wrong. And just feeling sick.
He began to cry even more than before.
He was just as off as I was.


Then, I unshackled that part, and gave into a new one.
Love.
I loved myself too much to let that crap consume me.
I broke free from it. And I instantly felt so much better.
I still have a long jounery ahead toward complete self acceptance.
But I made a huge jump today towards it.

Now, I'm not perfect.
I get angry too quickly. 

My house is always a mess. 

There is always something on our kitchen table. 

Toys spew across the floor. 

The never ending laundry that is growing at the foot of my bed.
ETC.

But I know what is perfect.
And that is the love I have for my family. 

For my husband.

For our child.
For my in laws.
For our amazing friends.

The one thing I know about this world, and its sad, but people will hurt you for being you.

They will hurt you for being someone else.
They will hurt you if you make a mistake.

The only thing you can do, is love yourself, and keep moving forward.

And that's exactly what I intend to keep doing! 

And to all my peeps needing a little self lovin themselves, or are just having a hard time.

I challenge you to post your favorite picture of yourself, quote, landscape, WHATEVER. 

Anything that makes you feel loved inside.

Then tag it with /  #LOVEYOSELF

Everyone is worth being loved, and receiving love.

& Yes. Even dragon lady.

You Will Never Be This Loved Again.

I knew something was wrong.

Ren had fallen eariler that day. 

A pretty bad one. 

He didn't react to it like he usually does. 

Which is cry for a couple minutes, then move on. 

I had to take him on a walk to clear his head, and make him feel better. 

We had just gotten, and I had laid Renner in bed to take his afternoon nap when I heard him start screaming.

That blood curdling scream. And you immediately know. Something isn't right.

I rushed into his room to see his arm entangled in his crib bars, and I slowly pull him out.

I didn't really think to much of it, because this wasn't the first time this had happened.

Rogue came to investigate. Usually whenever she is around Renner gets so excited, but he wasn't.

He tried to pet her with his right arm, stopped midway, and then started crying.

 I put him on the ground while I grabbed his blankie, and noticed he couldn't put his full weight on that arm.

He fell to his right every time he tried to crawl.

My heart sank. I felt absolutely sickened.

I didn't know if he was falling because of the fall he had, or his arm got twisted in the bars. 

I called Keagan in to come and see what was happening.

Naturally, he wanted to see what Ren was doing, but I was so protective that I snapped because
I knew what was going to happen, and I didn't want to cause him anymore pain.

But Keagan was so loving, and calm. I let Ren crawl. He fell on his right side, and started crying.

I swooped him up, and held him to calm him down. 

I told Keagan we're going to the hospital. Now.

I really don't think we've ever gotten ready, and in the car that fast before.

I wanted to go to the Stollery's Children Hospital, but the Whitemud {quickest road to get there} was completely packed bumper to bumper. So, we just decided to go to the Misericordia - it's right down the street from us, and it was the hospital that he was born in.

We get him checked in, and was told to go take a seat in the waiting room.

We had a lot of really nice people there with us. Which made it bearable.

They made Renner laugh, as much as he could.
I think that was Heavenly Father's way of saying,
"This is why you weren't meant to go to the Stollery. To meet these amazing people. And to be comforted by them."

2 1/2 hours later, we finally get called back to see a triage doctor.

He wanted to take some x-rays, and he was thinking that it could be his collarbone, but he wasn't sure.

Finally, he gets called to go get x-rays.

I take him back by myself. Since it was only going to be a few minutes.

I told the x-ray techs that it was his wrist, and forearm that seems to be hurting the worst, and that they should x-ray that as well.
They said they would call the doctor after the collarbone one.

It was awful.

I felt like a mother lion pacing back and forth in front of the X-Ray room.

He was screaming so loud. So painfully.

I was holding onto his shirt so tightly my knuckles were white.

Onlookers were sympathetic.

But the kindest lady to me was a porter, who had brought me and Ren to the x-ray area.

She was so loving, and stood with me while we waited for them to be done. 

When they opened the door, I was greeted by a smile, and tears weld up in his eyes.

He was holding a cute sticker.

They handed him to me, and he clung to me for dear life.

Whimpering, and nuzzling his head in my shoulder.

The doctor came, and looked at the collarbone x-rays.

He didn't see anything, so he wanted to do more.

I brought Ren back into that dimly lit room, and laid him on the hard surface.

Immediately the tears came back, and he grabbed onto my hoodie.

Desperate for me to hold him again.

Tears flooded my eyes.

They asked me to leave, and I turned around and walked out the door.

Then began the longest 10 minutes of my life.

I don't think I've ever felt so protective than in those dreadful moments.

I wanted to bust the door down, and attack everyone causing my baby to cry that hard.

I knew the contraption they were strapping him in was hurting him.

I could hear it. And they couldn't soothe him as well as I could.

I felt so sick. So helpless. So sad. So guilty.

I just wanted to hold him.

Finally they were done.

They opened the door, and there was that smile again.

I grabbed him, and he started crying.

But not a sad cry. Almost like a, "where have you been?" whimper.

They told us to wait for the porter to lead us back to the waiting room.

The doctor will find us to tell us the results in a few.

I showed him the paintings on the wall while I rocked and sang to him.

He calmed down. Gave the nice older couple a smile, 

while they reassured him he was safe.

He was in mom's arms now. And he was safe.

The sweet lady came, and found us again. She got Ren to smile, even giggle at her.

She told me of how her son had fallen many times.

Busted his head open 3 days before his 1st birthday. Broken his arm a week before his second.

"It never ends sweetie", she said. "It hurts us way more than it hurts them."

Ain't that the truth.

As soon as I saw Keagan I felt immediate relief.

He tried to hold Renner, but he wouldn't let go of me.

We waited for 30/45 minutes when the doctor came back around.

His arm wasn't broken.

But it's badly sprained.

He told us to give him Advil every 6 hours, until his arm heals.

Which should be in a week or 2.

Relief washed over me.

Nothing was broken.

Just sprained.

He didn't see the need to cast it, or sling it because Renner would find that more annoying than the actual sprain itself.
So just keep his activities minimum, and make sure he rests that arm.

I laughed to myself. Good luck, was all I was thinking. 

Renner is beyond active.

Even today, after everything he went through, he still is determined to crawl.

If only a split second on that right hand, he does.

We've been encouraging walking a lot more now.

But he just hobbles on his knees to get around now.

Oh how I love him, and his determination.

My sister in law, Becky, told me // Welcome to the Mothers Club!

Apparently, now I'm a member, haha. Like I wasn't already after giving birth.

But now I'm initiated.

I feel honored to be apart of it.

There is a silent, almost, unspoken bond between us mothers.

We are there for each other.

We cheer each other on.

Are there for one another.

Never judging. Always loving.

We all make mistakes.

We all have raging moments. And moments of pure bliss.

We have messy houses, unmade beds, toys spewed across the floor,
puke in our hair, poo on our clothes.. sometimes couch, unbrushed hair.. and teeth,
more dirty laundry than clean..

But we are also full of an undying love.

Love for our babies. These magnificent creatures that we grew inside our bodies.

I am grateful for these feelings of protection for my sweet boy.
I am grateful for the ways that motherhood pushes me beyond my limit.
I am grateful for the unconditional love, and support from my husband.
I am full of more love than I ever have been in my entire life.
And I am so blessed for all of it.


"You will never be this loved again. So on those days when you are feeling stressed out, touched out, and depleted; Just remember that you will never be this loved again. One day you will long for their affection. So choose a soft voice. Choose a gentle hand. Choose love."
- AK