You Will Never Be This Loved Again.

I knew something was wrong.

Ren had fallen eariler that day. 

A pretty bad one. 

He didn't react to it like he usually does. 

Which is cry for a couple minutes, then move on. 

I had to take him on a walk to clear his head, and make him feel better. 

We had just gotten, and I had laid Renner in bed to take his afternoon nap when I heard him start screaming.

That blood curdling scream. And you immediately know. Something isn't right.

I rushed into his room to see his arm entangled in his crib bars, and I slowly pull him out.

I didn't really think to much of it, because this wasn't the first time this had happened.

Rogue came to investigate. Usually whenever she is around Renner gets so excited, but he wasn't.

He tried to pet her with his right arm, stopped midway, and then started crying.

 I put him on the ground while I grabbed his blankie, and noticed he couldn't put his full weight on that arm.

He fell to his right every time he tried to crawl.

My heart sank. I felt absolutely sickened.

I didn't know if he was falling because of the fall he had, or his arm got twisted in the bars. 

I called Keagan in to come and see what was happening.

Naturally, he wanted to see what Ren was doing, but I was so protective that I snapped because
I knew what was going to happen, and I didn't want to cause him anymore pain.

But Keagan was so loving, and calm. I let Ren crawl. He fell on his right side, and started crying.

I swooped him up, and held him to calm him down. 

I told Keagan we're going to the hospital. Now.

I really don't think we've ever gotten ready, and in the car that fast before.

I wanted to go to the Stollery's Children Hospital, but the Whitemud {quickest road to get there} was completely packed bumper to bumper. So, we just decided to go to the Misericordia - it's right down the street from us, and it was the hospital that he was born in.

We get him checked in, and was told to go take a seat in the waiting room.

We had a lot of really nice people there with us. Which made it bearable.

They made Renner laugh, as much as he could.
I think that was Heavenly Father's way of saying,
"This is why you weren't meant to go to the Stollery. To meet these amazing people. And to be comforted by them."

2 1/2 hours later, we finally get called back to see a triage doctor.

He wanted to take some x-rays, and he was thinking that it could be his collarbone, but he wasn't sure.

Finally, he gets called to go get x-rays.

I take him back by myself. Since it was only going to be a few minutes.

I told the x-ray techs that it was his wrist, and forearm that seems to be hurting the worst, and that they should x-ray that as well.
They said they would call the doctor after the collarbone one.

It was awful.

I felt like a mother lion pacing back and forth in front of the X-Ray room.

He was screaming so loud. So painfully.

I was holding onto his shirt so tightly my knuckles were white.

Onlookers were sympathetic.

But the kindest lady to me was a porter, who had brought me and Ren to the x-ray area.

She was so loving, and stood with me while we waited for them to be done. 

When they opened the door, I was greeted by a smile, and tears weld up in his eyes.

He was holding a cute sticker.

They handed him to me, and he clung to me for dear life.

Whimpering, and nuzzling his head in my shoulder.

The doctor came, and looked at the collarbone x-rays.

He didn't see anything, so he wanted to do more.

I brought Ren back into that dimly lit room, and laid him on the hard surface.

Immediately the tears came back, and he grabbed onto my hoodie.

Desperate for me to hold him again.

Tears flooded my eyes.

They asked me to leave, and I turned around and walked out the door.

Then began the longest 10 minutes of my life.

I don't think I've ever felt so protective than in those dreadful moments.

I wanted to bust the door down, and attack everyone causing my baby to cry that hard.

I knew the contraption they were strapping him in was hurting him.

I could hear it. And they couldn't soothe him as well as I could.

I felt so sick. So helpless. So sad. So guilty.

I just wanted to hold him.

Finally they were done.

They opened the door, and there was that smile again.

I grabbed him, and he started crying.

But not a sad cry. Almost like a, "where have you been?" whimper.

They told us to wait for the porter to lead us back to the waiting room.

The doctor will find us to tell us the results in a few.

I showed him the paintings on the wall while I rocked and sang to him.

He calmed down. Gave the nice older couple a smile, 

while they reassured him he was safe.

He was in mom's arms now. And he was safe.

The sweet lady came, and found us again. She got Ren to smile, even giggle at her.

She told me of how her son had fallen many times.

Busted his head open 3 days before his 1st birthday. Broken his arm a week before his second.

"It never ends sweetie", she said. "It hurts us way more than it hurts them."

Ain't that the truth.

As soon as I saw Keagan I felt immediate relief.

He tried to hold Renner, but he wouldn't let go of me.

We waited for 30/45 minutes when the doctor came back around.

His arm wasn't broken.

But it's badly sprained.

He told us to give him Advil every 6 hours, until his arm heals.

Which should be in a week or 2.

Relief washed over me.

Nothing was broken.

Just sprained.

He didn't see the need to cast it, or sling it because Renner would find that more annoying than the actual sprain itself.
So just keep his activities minimum, and make sure he rests that arm.

I laughed to myself. Good luck, was all I was thinking. 

Renner is beyond active.

Even today, after everything he went through, he still is determined to crawl.

If only a split second on that right hand, he does.

We've been encouraging walking a lot more now.

But he just hobbles on his knees to get around now.

Oh how I love him, and his determination.

My sister in law, Becky, told me // Welcome to the Mothers Club!

Apparently, now I'm a member, haha. Like I wasn't already after giving birth.

But now I'm initiated.

I feel honored to be apart of it.

There is a silent, almost, unspoken bond between us mothers.

We are there for each other.

We cheer each other on.

Are there for one another.

Never judging. Always loving.

We all make mistakes.

We all have raging moments. And moments of pure bliss.

We have messy houses, unmade beds, toys spewed across the floor,
puke in our hair, poo on our clothes.. sometimes couch, unbrushed hair.. and teeth,
more dirty laundry than clean..

But we are also full of an undying love.

Love for our babies. These magnificent creatures that we grew inside our bodies.

I am grateful for these feelings of protection for my sweet boy.
I am grateful for the ways that motherhood pushes me beyond my limit.
I am grateful for the unconditional love, and support from my husband.
I am full of more love than I ever have been in my entire life.
And I am so blessed for all of it.


"You will never be this loved again. So on those days when you are feeling stressed out, touched out, and depleted; Just remember that you will never be this loved again. One day you will long for their affection. So choose a soft voice. Choose a gentle hand. Choose love."
- AK