Broken.

Renner was being abnormally grumpy yesterday. He had been refusing to take his morning naps, since our ER trip, and didn't take one that morning. He wouldn't eat. And cried whenever I left him alone. 

I was completely out of Advil. So, Keagan was going to pick some up on his way home from work. 

{He had the 6-3 shift. My favorite.} 

The dishes badly needed to be done, but he wouldn't let me put him down long enough so I could put them away. So I left them alone.  

We went into his room and I read to him while he sat in my lap and played with a few toys. This went on for about half an hour. It was almost noon, and he was acting super sleepy. While he was distracted by some toys, I took that chance to sneak out, and go make him a bottle. 

Yeaahh, that didn't work out to well. He immediately burst into tears. So while singing to him from the kitchen, while trying to make a bottle, and spilling milk all over the counter in the process, I left the milk open on the counter.. My bad.

I ran in his room, swooped him up, gave him his bottle, and laid him down. He went down rather easy because he was exhausted. 

It was 11:45AM. 

I tip toed out into the living room, and flopped on the couch. {The milk still sitting on our counter, open and exposed.} I started reading Divergent on my phone for a bit, but then I am overcome with exhaustion. I laid my phone down on the couch beside me, curl up with a blanket, and slowly drift to sleep. 

I woke up a few minutes later from my phone dinging. I had a missed call, and had a voicemail. 

..debt collectors again - was my inital thought. 

I dialed my voicemail, and sat back; Preparing myself for another "urgent business matter". But that's not what I got. 

It was the nice triage doc that treated Ren in the ER last Thursday. He said it is "very important" that I call him back as Renner's arm is broken, and if it's still bothering him we need to cast it. 

I truly believe something inside of me broke in that instant. Alarms went off inside my head, and I started shaking.

I called him back immediately, and as soon as I heard his voice.. Well, it felt like someone injected me with a hot dose of rage. Here was a man who had promised us profusely that his arm was not broken. That he just sprained it, and he will be fine. Yet here he is calling me 5 days later, saying he actually has a prominent fracture. I repeated back to him, "Prominent fracture?"  He spoke kindly to me. Sensing the obvious distress in my voice. He apologized for the radiologist not getting back to him sooner. He asked if Renner's arm was still bothering him. I said angrily, "He hasn't been sleeping since we came home from the ER." 

He told me to come back to the Emergency Department, and when we got there to have the nurses call him. "I'll get it casted, and we will leave it on for 2-3 weeks. But make sure they let me know you're here so you aren't waiting here forever." (Which we did tell the nurses. And still waited there forever. Go figure.) Then we hung up. 

I sat there for a few minutes by myself, in thought. Then I shouted, "I KNEW IT!"  I called Keagan. He didn't answer. So I sent him a text. Next, I called my mom. Which just involved more shouting of "I knew it", over & over. 

I was completely baffled, and stunned as to why it took almost a week. I terrified myself with the anger I was dishing out, but I couldn't control it either. Here was my precious one year old baby, crawling around on a broken arm. 

In pain. Telling me in the only way he knew how that he was in pain, and hated his life. 

And I just couldn't understand him. 

Rage. Guilt ridden. Sickened. And so beyond sad, were the only emotions I could muster. 

Keagan finally answered his phone. 

I shout, "He has a freaking broken arm!"
(Again, my favorite word)

"What?" 

"Renner. He has a broken arm. The doctor just freaking called me, and "apologized" that he didn't back to me sooner. I'm so beyond livid." 

(Like he couldn't tell by my voice.) 

He calmed me down. Said he will be home by 3, and we will take him in after that. I had told him that I told the doctor that we will be there by 3:30, and to try to be home as fast as he could so we are there by then. (We had our missionaries coming over that afternoon/evening.) While pacing the house, I finally noticed the milk out, and put it away. / I was definitely winning the Mom Award, fo sho.

Ren slept from 11:45 till 2:30. I was impressed, and so relieved that he finally slept. He woke up pretty happy, and was very snuggly and loving. I rocked him, and got him some food to eat. As long as he was on my lap, he ate.

Keagan didn't get home till 3:40. Which was a bummer because we didn't get to the hospital till 4. It was packed. But luckily we didn't have to wait that long in the waiting room. We did however, have to wait in the hallway for an hour because the doctor, who walked by us multiple times, didn't recognize us. Finally, after a nurse said something to him, he did. 

Now I will say this / For every single parents who has ever had a baby break a limb, and had to get it cast, You. Are. A. Champion. It was so awful. Pinning Renner down so she could wrap his arm up. He thrashed, and screamed the whole 15 minutes. When it was finished I just held, and sang to him. We were so happy to leave, and to just be down with the hospital for a while.

The doctor didn't even talk to us, which upset me. A lot. I plan on going back, and going straight to Medical Records to get what exactly the radiologist said in his report, and get the x-ray of his arm. If anything, but for peace of mind.

Renner is much happier with it on. He is able to crawl around better, and you can tell he's feeling better. 

I can't help feeling a twinge of guilt when I see it on him though. But that comes with the gig of being a mom. We all feel guilty with things that happen beyond our control, especially when these things happen to our babies. But I have given all of my frustration, and guilt to Heavenly Father. When those feelings of rage started to die, I immediately knelt in prayer for forgiveness, strength, and comfort. I had such a feeling of peace afterwards. He is with us all the time, and that brings me comfort in general.

So for now, I will be giving extra snuggles to the cutest boy with a broken arm.

{ Our missionaries tatted up his cast. #staythug }