LOVE YO-SELF

Today has been a hard day. I was contemplating whether or not to share this story with y'all, but I just felt that I needed too. This moment has been a crucial part of my own inner worth. I hope it will help you as well. 

I had a lot of errands to run with the kid today. We first had to drop Keagan off at work, so we could have the vehicle to go to my doctors to get a refill on my prescriptions. Long story short, I have been doing my immigration for much too long, and I had been told my Alberta Health Care (AHC) was on. Well, when I got to my doctors, turns out, I was told wrong, and I had to end up paying for my doctors appointment. Very frustrating, but okay. 

Then we wait to see the doctor for about 20 minutes. By then it was 10:45 AM.

We hadn't had breakfast yet, because I didn't realize that it would take 4 hours for everything to be done. 

(Kid + No Food = HELL)

Finally, we get called into the doctors office.

He then tells me that I actually still have a refill on my medicine, UGH, 

even though my prescription bottle said "0 Refills", and so did the pharmacy.

My doctor said, "nope they are dumb, blah blah blah. You just wasted your time, and money." 

Just kidding, he didn't actually say that. But he might as well have.

Faaaan-freakin-tastic. 

11:10 AM : Next, we go over to the pharmacy. She tells me that it will probably be half an hour or so, and I can sit and wait or they'll call me when it's done. Meh. Ren seemed to be doing good, and I figured I could bribe him with a Kinder Egg, and games on mah phone, then when it's done we'll go home, and EAT.

"It shouldn't take too long" my mind was saying to me, "Just stay and wait. It will take more effort to go to the car, strap the kid in, drive home,go into the house, then he'll want to nap, and then we'd have to repeat everything.. and meh. We'll just stay". 

Worst. Mistake. Ever. 

Why you gotta play me like that mind? WHY?!

Now, Renner wasn't at his complete worst. But he wasn't his best either. 

The kid was hungry and sleepy y'all! What kid wouldn't be a bit grouchy. Even I was a little hangry. 

So he cried off and on. Ran around aisles while I browsed them. 45 minutes goes by, and I've almost reached my level. I went up and asked them how much longer it will be, and they said it'd be done soon, so I figured we'd already waited this long. 5 more minutes won't be that much harder. 

So I picked up Ren, so he could snuggle with me, while I browsed some more. Then I noticed this very beautiful, very, well, posh (for lack of a better word) woman, or as I now refer to her as Dragon Lady, walk around the corner.

I go to move out of her way, but she stops directly in front of me and says these words I will never forget. 

"So, are you going to even try to control your kid to seem like a half decent parent? Or are you just going to let him continue to act like this?" / Gesturing to Renner softly crying on my shoulder. 

I honestly was to stunned to say anything, so all I said back to her was, 

"Um. Excuse me?" 

She then went to say, "I've been in this store for half an hour, and during half that time all I've heard was your son, screaming and crying, and acting completely unbelievable. Like honestly, do you feel good about yourself when he does that? Because I couldn't imagine you would." 

I then finally gain some courage back after facing literal shock for someone speaking to me that way. 

In public. 

In front of people walking by. 

And loud enough for others to hear aisles over. 

"Well, I'm sorry if he was a disturbance to you, but it is not appropriate 

for you to just call me out like that. You don't know me.."

"Nor do I care too. I just don't understand how you can condone his behavior. Well, not that you really look like you would care enough about anything from how you're looking today."

"I'm sorry. You said what now?"

"You know I just don't understand parents these days. Letting their children run around, screaming and such. Unbelievable."

"Okay, well I don't appreciate you calling me a bad mother. Nor disrespecting my child, or how I parent him."

"If you are feeling like you are a bad mother then that is on you."

"Well, I would hope that you could show at least some compassion to

 a mother trying to wrangle a 3 year old while waiting on her prescriptions."

"I honestly don't have the time to sit here and carry a full conversation out about what bad parenting is. I just figured I would let you know how disruptive your child was behaving."

Then as quickly as she came, she left. 

Stunned is pretty much the only word I could describe how I was feeling.

Shame. Horrified. Embarrassed. The adjectives could never cease! 

She said a lot more hurtful things that truly cut deep. Things that I have been deeply struggling with. 

That anyone who has every parented a 3 year old before has gone through. 

Raising a child is hard. Straight up.

There is no rule book, or guide line to help you through every single step of raising this tiny human being.

And when someone, especially someone I don't know, can see through me, and cut my guilt a little bit deeper.

It resonates. It hurts. And it sucks. 

But then the cutest lady walked over to me. 

She saw me in tears, and reached out to hug me.

She whispered to me,

"Don't let the harsh words of a stranger, make you feel lesser of a mother. I know first hand the difficulties of being a parent. A single one at that. You can do what you can, and if people look down on you for it, that is their problem. Not yours. That boy loves you. You are his mama. And no one can take that away from you. Stay strong, beautiful."

I cried. Harder from her sweet words, than the harsh ones that were spoken minutes before that.

It made me remember who I am. Who I truly am inside. 

And that it's okay to not have everything together, 24/7! 

It's okay to leave your home with some stains on your favorite pair of comfy pants. 

And to have your hair thrown up in a half messy bun.

It's okay to not notice that your child's pants were just a bit too short on him.

It's okay to grab the pair of flats that have chipped away the cute blush color on them because they are your absolute fave, and you refuse to retire them.

It's okay to cry in the middle of Shoppers, because a lady ripped your soul apart.

And because another lady helped repair it.

And it's okay to walk out, after all of that struggle, even after waiting an hour for your prescription to be done, and not bother grabbing it.

In the end, the angry woman did teach me something.
She taught me to love myself.
Strange right?
You guys are probably thinking, giiiiirl you cray cray!
You shoulda back handed her and slashed her tires!

But nah, foreal.
She showed me the darkest part of where my mind could go, if I let it.
But I couldn't handle that feeling.
Been there before, and I REFUSED to go back.

Renner could even feel the darkness of my aura.
I felt dirty. Wrong. And just feeling sick.
He began to cry even more than before.
He was just as off as I was.


Then, I unshackled that part, and gave into a new one.
Love.
I loved myself too much to let that crap consume me.
I broke free from it. And I instantly felt so much better.
I still have a long jounery ahead toward complete self acceptance.
But I made a huge jump today towards it.

Now, I'm not perfect.
I get angry too quickly. 

My house is always a mess. 

There is always something on our kitchen table. 

Toys spew across the floor. 

The never ending laundry that is growing at the foot of my bed.
ETC.

But I know what is perfect.
And that is the love I have for my family. 

For my husband.

For our child.
For my in laws.
For our amazing friends.

The one thing I know about this world, and its sad, but people will hurt you for being you.

They will hurt you for being someone else.
They will hurt you if you make a mistake.

The only thing you can do, is love yourself, and keep moving forward.

And that's exactly what I intend to keep doing! 

And to all my peeps needing a little self lovin themselves, or are just having a hard time.

I challenge you to post your favorite picture of yourself, quote, landscape, WHATEVER. 

Anything that makes you feel loved inside.

Then tag it with /  #LOVEYOSELF

Everyone is worth being loved, and receiving love.

& Yes. Even dragon lady.