As I lay here in bed tonight Pinteresting, and distracted by how tomorrow will go down, and all of the random, unimportant things that need to be done; like, how I need to clean this or that, what needs to be taken care of, I really need to go buy chalk, I need to go get more blood work done, I definitely need a shower.. And as I'm going through all of these awesome Pins, I come across this amazing blog post about this lady who wrote about the 10 things she would like to improve on as a wife, or just advice for other women, about how to become a "Godly" wife, and I was taken aback. It was beautifully written, and so extremely true in so many ways.

Sometimes I forgot how to "feed" my husband because I get caught up in my own self with worries and thoughts, and worldly things that I often forget that Keagan is the most important people in my life. 

He is my beloved husband who cares, and nurtures me with every ounce of his being. He always has my back, when I feel defeated. He always stands up for me, even when I am wrong, and then kindly sits me down and tells me later that I was indeed wrong. He has had faith in me since the day we met, and has never doubted me. He always makes sure my needs are met before his. He stays home from work when I need him the most, even if it would require us to suffer financially. He lets me sleep in on his days off to play with Renner. He is a worthy priesthood holder. He helps me understand basic scriptural and doctrinal knowledge, without any sort of belittlement. He makes me laugh every single day. He makes high stress situation feel less stressful. He helps drag me out of "Kayla's World", and brings me back into reality. So many things that I could go on about that he helps me be the best person I can be, and loves me for all my short comings. 

So tonight as I lay here beside my loving husband, who is fast asleep, I listen to his deep breathing, that I can't sleep without, and I can't help but feel giddy, and realize that I have never been so full of love, and have never been shown the kind of love that he has shown me in my entire life. It is a different type of love. And I love it. 

Keagan deserves to have a wife who takes care of him, and who will cherish him. Sometimes, a lot of the time, I take that for granted. I feel that every husband is this way, or that this is the normal. But then I read these stories, or hear things about others, and realize just how lucky I am. Husbands need to be told when they are appreciated, and need to know that they are loved. It's simple. And sadly, I forget to tell him how grateful I am for all of the things he does. Husbands need to be fed, and not just the literally feeding, but actual words and actions. They need to be shown that they are loved. Husbands need to know that they are the head of the household. I have a semi-dominant personality, and sometimes I know when to let go, and other times I keep on going. And certains times it's a good thing, but most of the time I know I'm wrong, and know it makes Keagan feel semi-inadequate. I need to take a step back, and remember that he is the priesthood holder of our household, and he knows what needs to be done. He is our protecter, our provider, and that's how they were created, and how God destined them to be. 

I am guilty for a lot of things, and I know that I need to work on quite a few areas to become the woman I need to be. I'm not saying that I need to necessarily do a drastic, life altering change, but I do need to tweak a few things about myself so we can live a happier life. And the way I start doing that is by becoming completely selfless, humble, and becoming stronger in my faith. I have heard countless times that, "once you start putting Heavenly Father first, everything else falls into place", and I believe that is 100% true. I also believe that you can make any relationship work as long as there is some compatibility, love, and trust there. I believe that there are unlimited paths you could take that will bring you to any person that you "can" marry. But I also believe that Heavenly Father has one particular person in mind for you that is the absolute perfect match who is design just for you. And I know that I have found mine. 

I know that Keagan and I knew each other before this life. I know that we are meant to be. How do I know that? Was there a huge giant sign that pointed me directly to him? Did Heavenly Father tell me it was the right thing to do? Well, I hate to disappoint, but no. There wasn't any specific sign. There wasn't this overwhelming desire, or gut punching feeling that I had to be with him.. Well, not exactly. What I felt was entirely different. I felt completely at peace. I had zero doubts. I felt overwhelmingly blissful. I felt compelled that he was the only one for me. I felt at peace. 

Most LDS folks, or Mormons, would ask, did you pray about him? Like, did you pray if he was the right choice? What if you aren't meant to be with him? Well, I wasn't technically raised in the church, but I have always had this thought that, why would you have to pray if this was the right man for me to marry if we have free agency? I would have thought that Heavenly Father wouldn't give you the answer one way or the other because it's our right to choose. Now, yes, of course he will guide you. But to directly make the biggest decision of your entire life? I just don't understand it. Anyways, of course I prayed about Keagan, I just didn't pray about him like that. I prayed, and told my Heavenly Father that I am marrying him, and I hope that he will give me his blessing, and help me be the best wife I can be, and help guide us in this life together with Him as our foundation. 

Now, on that note I have made a vow to myself that I will start remembering to put my Heavenly Father first. And that I will show Keagan how much he means to me, and this family each and everyday. I will remember that Keagan and I are human. We make mistakes, but that our love is undeniable. That there is no ending our marriage when times get rough. That our goal on this Earth is to learn, grow, raise a family, be charitable, have faith, be sealed in the Temple for time and all eternity, love each other with every fiber of our being, speak only kind words to one another, and then one day we will return to live with our Father in heaven.

RENNER DUANE

It was Saturday, February 23, 2013 at 12:48 AM when our baby boy, Renner Duane Paisley, was welcomed into this world. He was 7 lbs 2 oz, and 20.5 inches. It's so amazing to think that 2 weeks ago I was keeping him safe inside my tummy, and now I get to snuggle with him while he is sleeping. What an amazing experience childbirth is. I will always cherish this memory forever.

I knew I was getting induced on the 22nd, so we had a little time to prepared for him to come early. But I must say, even 3 weeks early hardly prepared us more than if he came on time. We had our alarms set to wake up fairly early so we could make sure we had everything we needed, but we were way to excited to sleep past 5 in the morning. We had to be at the hospital at 8 AM to get all of the paperwork done, and get me strapped to the IVs.

So first thing firsts! We dropped Roxy off at Grandmas house, grabbed some McDonalds breakfast, and headed to the hospital.

(Us in the McD's drive-through. Cause we be classy like that.)

Keagan dropped me off at the front so I could check in while he parked, and while I was sitting in the booth waiting for the lady to bring me my bracelet and papers I turned toward the doors to see if Keagan was on his way inside, and I saw this older man walk in who looked an awful like my Dad. (My Dad passed away last September from liver cancer, but before he passed he got to know that his baby girl was going to be a Mom.) Now for anyone who knew my Dad, you would know he loved his hats, long sleeve shirts, sweats, and Reebok sneakers. So it was a tad bit crazy when I see that this man was wearing a CAT hat, grey t-shirt, a light blue faded jean jacket, black sweats, and high top, white Reeboks. He even had the same style of beard as my Dad. Salt and pepper colored and all. So random right? It gets better don't worry. So this man walks up to the counter, and tells the lady at the desk that he's here for his MRI appointment. She says, "Okay sir whats your last name?" He says, "Johnson." By this time my mouth is dropped, and pretty sure I'm looking like a crazy person. Then she says, "Robert?" He nods his head, and she tells him where to go and he takes off. Now for 1. My Dads name is Robert Johnson, and 2. He looked like he could of been my Dads twin. So. Freaking. Crazy. I just laughed, and shook my head and thought, "Okay Dad. I got it. Thanks for letting me know you're here with me today." That happening definitely made me feel the Spirit so strongly, and just made me so incredibly happy to know that my Dads sense of humor was still going strong, and that he was there with me.

After that mind blowing experience I see Keagan walk in, and I told him about this random Robert Johnson person, and we head up to the 3rd floor - Labor and Delivery. Perfect way to start the day that I'm about to have a new soul enter this world. 

When we got to the room they hook me up to the IVs with oxytocin flowing through them. But while they were attempting to hook me up with the IV Drip another lady comes in wanting blood. I got tag teamed by needles on both sides. Not cool. 

Then began the long waiting period until Ren decided to make his appearance. So basically we went for walks around L&D, ate some pudding, laughed, talked about what it will be like to have him finally here, played games on our phone, talked to our good friend Shauna (who was my roomie when I was hospitalized last month), and just hung out.



Then 1:10 PM rolls around, and I'm not really feeling anything. Some cramps, but nothing major. Doctor comes in, and says she wants to check my cervix to see if I've progressed at all. I'm thinking okay, sure. No biggie. And all of a sudden I feel this rush of fluid (coolest and most shocking feeling of my life), and she says she just broke my water and there's no turning back now. Excuse me, you did what? Thanks for the warning. I mean it was nice because I didn't have time to panic, or spaz about it. She just took this little crochet hook looking thing, and just ripped open Ren's snug little home.

Then things started getting real. About 30 minutes after my water was broken I started getting contractions. I wanted to die. Begged my nurse to give me the epidural already. She said I had to wait to 4 CM. Fuuhh. By that time we had some of Keagan's family come and spend time with us right before the contractions started to get intense. They promptly left because I obviously wasn't the most pleasant soul to be around. I had Niagara Falls draining from my downstairs, and my stomach felt like it was being ripped apart by Alien. Sorry special guest.

IM HAVING A BABBBBYY!  

We went for a walk around L&D Ward, and that was unpleasant to the highest degree. It was probably the grossest, and weirdest feeling ever having the amniotic fluid flowing out while you're walking around. TMI? Well, what did you expect reading a labor and delivery story? Anyways, needless to say 1 lap around the block was good enough for me.

By the time Keagan's mom showed up, from her hastily drive from Calgary to Edmonton, my contractions started to get more intense so I jumped in the shower, which felt so awesome. But sadly that didn't last much longer than a half an hour because the water would get cold every few seconds, and then go back to hot. I screamed at the shower as tears were dripping down my face. "Whhyyyy shower do you have to suck so badly!?" So I got out, and chilled on the bed and tried to ride out the contractions. I use the word "chill" veeeery loosely. I really thought I was accustom to pain from having endometriosis. Yeah, no. They fetching hurt. Incredibly much. ("Stop trying to make fetch happen!" Anyone? Mic drop.)

I was having a hard time relaxing through contractions so they gave me a shot of Demerol to help me get some rest in between them. That was heaven for a whole whopping 10 mins. I was proud of myself though. No cuss words were spouted out, and I didn't yell at anyone... or Keagan. But I really had such an amazing support system there with me. I had Keagan, Becky (Keagan's mom), and Shauna there for the worst of my contractions. They took turns rubbing my back, getting me water, telling me stories, attempting to make me laugh, and just trying to calm me down in general.

By 7 PM I was done. I finally got to 3 1/2 CM, and when the nurse told me that I was bawling and said, "it counts right?!" Seriously, that epidural needle never looked so beautiful. The nurses called the Anesthesiologist, and got him to come and strap that IV in my spine. He went through the rundown of how I have to stay perfectly still, even if I have a contraction.. yaddy yada, I barely listened because I was contracting. But before he started I asked if I could do a practice round to get the whole "staying perfectly still" down. I was so proud of myself for staging still. I just stopped breathing through them and squeezed Keagans fingers. They told me to breathe, and I looked at them dead face and said, "if I breathe I will move." Let me do my thang peeps! Oh man though, what an amazing feeling it was when it started to kick in. I couldn't feel a thing from the top of my stomach down. I couldn't even move my legs, and I had to get someone to move them for me. I was completely frozen, and it was a beautiful thing. My nurse said that it was the best epidural shes ever seen. So we had Keagans family come in and see us during that time, and I was a happy camper. (Look, I'm in pain errday of the week. So feeling absolutely nothing at all was freaking spectacular. Yeah, I'm justifying haha.)

Epidural kicked in. WINNER.

Around 8 PM my nurses started to notice that Ren's heart rate would drop incredibly low every time I had a contraction. They asked me if I noticed the contractions at all, or if I could feel tightening. But I couldn't. Like I said, completely frozen. They figured his cord was wrapped around his neck, so they kept having to turn me over and lay in different positions to try and get the pressure off of him. They said that if his heart rate didn't come back up at all they would have to rush me in for an emergency C-Section.. That was kind of freaky. Luckily that didn't happen though.

I kept feeling a lot of pressure down there, so I told the nurse she should check, and see if I've progressed at all. She said that they usually check every 4 hours, but she asked what it felt like - "Uhh it feels like I have a bowling ball pushing on my bum & on my vajayjay." "Oh okay.. let me check.." Which was a good thing she did too because I was at 9 1/2 CM. So she hurries down the hall to call my doctor - comes back and tells me that we will start pushing at 10. BOOM!

Feeling pretty awesome about now. I felt absolutely nothing.

Finally, the time has come! The emotions that were flowing through me were so raw, and intense. I couldn't believe it. I was going to be a mom! When 10 PM rolled around everyone was kicked out except for Keagan and his mom. It was super nice and quiet, despite the screaming everytime I pushed. We all made bets to see what time he would come out, which we all failed at. Miserable. The time just kept clicking by. I did hard pushing for about 2 hours, which I puked the entire pushing time, and dude still didn't want out. My doctor came in to deliver him, and she decided that we needed to use forceps to help him out the rest of the way because he isn't able to push past my pubic bone. Luckily for this chick I couldn't feel a thing cause otherwise... Yeah.

Then at 12:48 AM our beautiful baby boy was finally out into the world. It was a gong show while he was coming out though. I had about 50 doctors and nurses in there all staring at my whoha, and all the blood pouring out, and the doctor teaching them what to do. Meanwhile I'm just staring at this kid I just birthed. Amazed. I was disappointed that they didn't flop him on my chest when he first came out. They just took him away to his bed thingy. I mean I couldn't hold him anyways when he first came out because I was to sick, and weak, and just shaking too badly. But still... It's the thought people!

2 Minutes Old

Renner's cord was indeed wrapped around his neck, but my doctor got it off of him immediately. He didn't really cry that much when he came out. He made a couple whimpers, but it was so peaceful and quiet. (Despite the gathers I had flocking to see what childbirth was like in the flesh.) He just looked around at everyone, and was so alert. I just stared, and talked to him. One of the doctors pointed out that he was trying to find my voice. Ren kept moving his head around in my direction trying to figure out where I was. It was incredible. 

After they made sure I was good, I was finally able to hold him, and he was perfect. I couldn't believe that this little baby was growing inside of me for 9 months, and I just gave him life. It was such an intense love that I can't even begin to describe that I felt for this tiny baby I held in my arms. He started stroking my fingers, which made me tear up, because he used to do that to my ribs when he was still in mah belly. Weird, and trippy. But endearing nonetheless. 

Now that it's been 2 weeks since he was born that intense love hasn't faded at all. I'm still reeling from the fact that I'm a mom, and we have a son. Keagan and I are parents now. It's incredible. I will say it is probably the hottest thing to see my husband take on the role of being a Dad, and watch him as he holds and takes care of our baby boy. I'm so thrilled to know that Ren will have such an amazing father to look up too. 

If you would have told me a few years ago that this is where I would be now I would of laughed in your face. I can't believe that I have a baby boy who depends on me to always be there for him for everything. That I would be okay with lack of sleep, survive on eating only pb&j's because that's what strength I have in me to spare, and to be a constant food source for him. I was completely petrified when we first brought him home, and I knew Keagan would be having to go back to work soon. Then one morning when sleep was so far gone, and I was just laying there staring at this beautiful baby it finally clicked, and I realized that I'm a mom now. It's such a surreal feeling, and it flooded me with such a warmth that it washed away my petrified feelings. I feel so comforted knowing that I can do this.

It's so amazing to me how Heavenly Father entrust us with these incredible little creatures during this life. I am so incredibly grateful for my little family, and I am so happy to know that Renner has the best guardian angel watching over him, as well as his Father in Heaven. I am so excited to watch him grow up, and see what type of person he will become. But for now I will cherish and love his newborn phase.