As I lay here in bed tonight Pinteresting, and distracted by how tomorrow will go down, and all of the random, unimportant things that need to be done; like, how I need to clean this or that, what needs to be taken care of, I really need to go buy chalk, I need to go get more blood work done, I definitely need a shower.. And as I'm going through all of these awesome Pins, I come across this amazing blog post about this lady who wrote about the 10 things she would like to improve on as a wife, or just advice for other women, about how to become a "Godly" wife, and I was taken aback. It was beautifully written, and so extremely true in so many ways.

Sometimes I forgot how to "feed" my husband because I get caught up in my own self with worries and thoughts, and worldly things that I often forget that Keagan is the most important people in my life. 

He is my beloved husband who cares, and nurtures me with every ounce of his being. He always has my back, when I feel defeated. He always stands up for me, even when I am wrong, and then kindly sits me down and tells me later that I was indeed wrong. He has had faith in me since the day we met, and has never doubted me. He always makes sure my needs are met before his. He stays home from work when I need him the most, even if it would require us to suffer financially. He lets me sleep in on his days off to play with Renner. He is a worthy priesthood holder. He helps me understand basic scriptural and doctrinal knowledge, without any sort of belittlement. He makes me laugh every single day. He makes high stress situation feel less stressful. He helps drag me out of "Kayla's World", and brings me back into reality. So many things that I could go on about that he helps me be the best person I can be, and loves me for all my short comings. 

So tonight as I lay here beside my loving husband, who is fast asleep, I listen to his deep breathing, that I can't sleep without, and I can't help but feel giddy, and realize that I have never been so full of love, and have never been shown the kind of love that he has shown me in my entire life. It is a different type of love. And I love it. 

Keagan deserves to have a wife who takes care of him, and who will cherish him. Sometimes, a lot of the time, I take that for granted. I feel that every husband is this way, or that this is the normal. But then I read these stories, or hear things about others, and realize just how lucky I am. Husbands need to be told when they are appreciated, and need to know that they are loved. It's simple. And sadly, I forget to tell him how grateful I am for all of the things he does. Husbands need to be fed, and not just the literally feeding, but actual words and actions. They need to be shown that they are loved. Husbands need to know that they are the head of the household. I have a semi-dominant personality, and sometimes I know when to let go, and other times I keep on going. And certains times it's a good thing, but most of the time I know I'm wrong, and know it makes Keagan feel semi-inadequate. I need to take a step back, and remember that he is the priesthood holder of our household, and he knows what needs to be done. He is our protecter, our provider, and that's how they were created, and how God destined them to be. 

I am guilty for a lot of things, and I know that I need to work on quite a few areas to become the woman I need to be. I'm not saying that I need to necessarily do a drastic, life altering change, but I do need to tweak a few things about myself so we can live a happier life. And the way I start doing that is by becoming completely selfless, humble, and becoming stronger in my faith. I have heard countless times that, "once you start putting Heavenly Father first, everything else falls into place", and I believe that is 100% true. I also believe that you can make any relationship work as long as there is some compatibility, love, and trust there. I believe that there are unlimited paths you could take that will bring you to any person that you "can" marry. But I also believe that Heavenly Father has one particular person in mind for you that is the absolute perfect match who is design just for you. And I know that I have found mine. 

I know that Keagan and I knew each other before this life. I know that we are meant to be. How do I know that? Was there a huge giant sign that pointed me directly to him? Did Heavenly Father tell me it was the right thing to do? Well, I hate to disappoint, but no. There wasn't any specific sign. There wasn't this overwhelming desire, or gut punching feeling that I had to be with him.. Well, not exactly. What I felt was entirely different. I felt completely at peace. I had zero doubts. I felt overwhelmingly blissful. I felt compelled that he was the only one for me. I felt at peace. 

Most LDS folks, or Mormons, would ask, did you pray about him? Like, did you pray if he was the right choice? What if you aren't meant to be with him? Well, I wasn't technically raised in the church, but I have always had this thought that, why would you have to pray if this was the right man for me to marry if we have free agency? I would have thought that Heavenly Father wouldn't give you the answer one way or the other because it's our right to choose. Now, yes, of course he will guide you. But to directly make the biggest decision of your entire life? I just don't understand it. Anyways, of course I prayed about Keagan, I just didn't pray about him like that. I prayed, and told my Heavenly Father that I am marrying him, and I hope that he will give me his blessing, and help me be the best wife I can be, and help guide us in this life together with Him as our foundation. 

Now, on that note I have made a vow to myself that I will start remembering to put my Heavenly Father first. And that I will show Keagan how much he means to me, and this family each and everyday. I will remember that Keagan and I are human. We make mistakes, but that our love is undeniable. That there is no ending our marriage when times get rough. That our goal on this Earth is to learn, grow, raise a family, be charitable, have faith, be sealed in the Temple for time and all eternity, love each other with every fiber of our being, speak only kind words to one another, and then one day we will return to live with our Father in heaven.

Its Not About The Nail

So today, Keagan and I got into a stupid little fight this morning.

It really was over nothing, but to my sweet little over tired brain it was huge to me.

I was in the "I Deserve" box mind frame, literally on the edge of tears, about to click it to Defcon 1 trying to get Keagan to understand what I was so mad about, and why I needed him to just hear me. But he just wasn't getting it! 

"STOP TRYING TO FIX IT. I just need you to listen, and validate what I'm saying to you!" 

Then very quietly, which is his "Imma bout to blow the freak up" voice, he says to me, 

"Kayla. You need to watch this video with me."

I was beyond irritated that he could be so calm, when I am most definitely NOT calm, and just all of a sudden change the subject on me that I replied, 

"NO Keagan. I don't want to watch a stupid video right now." 

But he, ever so annoyingly sweetly, insisted. 

I heaved a big sigh, slumped to the floor in defeat, and he handed me his phone to watch this video |

It's Not About the Nail from Jason Headley on Vimeo.

Needless to say I felt completely lame.

Of course he validates my needs, and loves me to the fullest.

Some days, I'm just a spaz, and completely in the right irrational.

Sometimes, I really do need to just listen to him as well, and let him take out the nail.

Mostly so my sweaters won't get snagged on it.

So yeah guys, we still like him. 

Needless, to say though, our fight was resolved.

By lots and lots of kissing. Obviously.

Whaaaat?! We're married with a new baby! Give us a break.

;)

Time of Thanksgiving.

So living in Canada as an American is kind of a challenge at times. Especially during certain holidays like 4th of July and Thanksgiving. Canadians celebrate their Independence on July 1st, and their Thanksgiving on the second Monday of October. In my family those are pretty big holidays to celebrate, apart from Christmas. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite. I'm the baby of my family you see, and so by the time I was married my siblings were grown, and had families of their own and lived all around the States. So it was always a time with my mom and dad, and I to just be together. Watch movies, EAT, talk about what we're grateful for, what we would like to really improve on in the graditude department, and so on. This year is a little different. It's the first year without my Dad.

This week has been particularly hard on me. Being pregnant my emotions are already heightened, and range from all sides of the emotional pole, and I've just been stuck in this sad whirlwind. Thinking has always been my worse enemy, and now all I have time to do is think. Think about how drastically my life has changed in the past few years, and how things are going to turn out in the future. I'm far away from home with no real connection to my family besides a phone call. It's been quite the challenge. It never use to be though. Looking back I loved to travel, and jumped at the chance to be away from my ever so protective parents. And now all I crave is to be close to them. My mom and I have always had a bit of a struggling relationship. Not that we weren't close, we were extremely close. We were just so alike in a so many different ways we couldn't be compatiable with how each other thought, or reacted to certain things under one roof. But ever since my Dad first got sick, up until he passed we've drawn closer together. It pains me to be so far away from her.

Last night Keagan took me out on a little date. We went to Taco Bell to satifiy my ridiculous preggo craving. When we first were walking in there was this homeless man who was also walking inside to use the bathroom. At first I was kind of put off by his odd mutterings, and weird hand gestures while talking to himself, but I didn't think anything more about him when we walked up to the counter to order. While I was filling my drink up, and gathering some much needed sauce packets, Keagan walks over to the front door to talk to the homeless man, who was now standing in the loft area between the outside door and door to the inside. He asks the man if he was hungry and would like some tacos. The man looked shocked, and gracely replied that he would love some. So Keagan walks over to me and just says, "I'm going to give him some of our tacos okay?". I couldn't even react fast enough, he just grabs them and hands them to the man. We sit down, and couldn't help but just stare up at my amazing husband. I say to him, "You know Keags you are the most amazing man ever, and I'm pretty sure I just fell more in love with you." He laughs is off and says, "Why? Because I gave him tacos?" The thing is it wasn't the fact that he gave him tacos. It was the fact that he didn't even think about it. It just came naturally to him. It put so much prespective into my mind. I have been so wrapped up in my own feelings, and depressed thought process to care to think about anything else.

While sitting there I was reminded of a cute story that happened when my Dad was in the hospital. We went for a walk down the hallway, and we saw this guy with his leg strapped up in a cast held up above him in a sling. I said to my dad, "Man that guy is messed up. That is so sucky." My Dad turns, looks and says, "Oh man I hope he's okay." When we got near the nurses station, that was only a few steps from my dads room, he asks one of the nurses if he can bring the boy in the room with the broken leg a newspaper, magazine, a doughnut, or just something to cheer him up. They said that they didn't have any magazines, except some "chick" ones, and that he was a diabetic. My Dad just had this determined look on his face, but let it go. While I'm in his room looking for a movie for us to watch I turn to ask my dad a question, and he's no where to be seen. (Now my dad has been in the hospital for almost a week, and has tried to escape 4 times. So needless to say I was frantically looking for him.) I run down the hall looking for him, go to the nurses station, and they say they haven't seen him, but offer to help look. As I look away from the counter down the other side of the hallway, the way we came from his walk, I see him skipping towards me. I start laughing and ask him where he was. He just said simply, "I went to bring my newspaper down to that boy, but turns out he wasn't a boy. He was a grown man." I just smiled at him. Here's a man dying of cancer, and in tremendous amount of pain, and it just came so naturally to him to help a guy he didn't even know who was plagued with boredom, and a broken leg laid up in his hospital bed. It was such a small gesture, but it meant so much to the man who was released the next day.

Sitting there with Keags I asked him what he was most thankful for in the world. He just sat there for a bit, and finally said, "Honestly, I'm thankful for everything. I can't think of one thing I'm not entirely grateful for in my life." It made me think about what I'm truly thankful for.

I'm so thankful to have such a loving, compassionate, understanding husband who loves me everyday to the fullest of his extent, and makes me the happiest woman possible. Who takes care of me when I am at my sickest, and when I am completely healthy. Who shares the same beliefs, and is always striving for our family to become closer to Heavenly Father. I am so thankful that he will be the father of my children. I am thankful for little Renner inside my belly, who is constantly reminding me just how strong he is becoming. I am thankful that I had a Dad so loving and caring to me. Who made me the woman I am today, and taught me the most incredible things I couldn't even begin to explain. Who taught me what to look for in a husband. Who shared his amazing humor gene with me, along with his other amazing traits. Who taught me to embrace life and death with open arms. I'm thankful that I have such an amazing Mother. Whos strength and undying love, and compassion taught me how to love others unconditionally, and to not be afraid of the life I've been given. Who taught me how to have equal measures of being a lover and fighter. Who taught me how to be carefree, and fun. But most of all how to be cautious of the dangers of the world. I'm thankful for my sister who has always played such a huge role in my life. She taught me how to be an amazing mother and wife, and to look at things always in the best light, even when things appear awful during their darkest moments. I'm thankful for my brothers, who have all taught me how to fight properly, how to respect myself as a lady, and how to be the girly-est tomboy around. I'm especially thankful for my sister in law Becky, who without her I surely wouldn't be where I am today. She taught me what it takes to stand up for what I believe in, and how to live a life worth living. Also, I am thankful for our amazing dog Roxy. Without her my life when my husband is away would be terribly boring, and depressing. She brings so much joy into our life its crazy. If we are this obsessed about our little doggie I can only imagine how it will be for our kids!

I have many things I am thankful for in my life. Earthly things, as well as Spiritual things. I am extremely sad that my Dad is gone now, but I am also extremely thankful for the gospel in my life that has taught me that I will see him again, and that he will never truly leave me. I do have to remind myself of that fact from time to time, but I know that he wouldn't want me to be suffering from him going to do the Lord's work. This coming year things will be different. We will be parents. Who knows where we will be living. But one thing is certain. My graditude and love for life, my family, my friends, and everything else that the Lord has blessed us with will be more intense. Life is constantly changing, and throwing us in directions we want and don`t want to go in, but we have control over how we react to these changes. I want to be the best possible role model for our son, and the best mother I can be. Mistakes will happen. Sadness and joy are always apart of my life. But I will live that life in the best possible way I know how, and better.