This is my story about my fight with endometriosis. 

 I know there are women out there, like me, who suffer through the same thing I am, 
and reading their stories makes me feel uplifted, and hopefully. 

So, here is a little piece of my vulnerability given to you. 
This is a long post - you've been warned.

I've always struggled with being vulnerable. I have never liked the feelings it brings when I give someone a piece of me that is so delicate, that one wrong move could literally break me. It terrifies me. The only person I have truly been able to be vulnerable with, beside my family, has been Keagan. 
So here it goes yo.

I have Stage IV Endometriosis, and Pelvic Congestion Syndrome {PCS}, along with Graves Disease (but that's a different story entirely). I was diagnosed with "Endo" in high school, and as far as the PCS, who truly knows. I doubt doctors really even looked for it in the 10 surgeries I've had for it. Luckily, my amazing doctor, who delivered Renner, did. These diseases aren't life threatening. But can be horrifically damaging to your uterus, and surrounding parts. They are both extremely painful. And can cause infertility.

In my case, the majority of pain is always on my right side. Has been since I got my period at 8 years old. Some days, I truly would give my right arm to go through labor, on repeat. 

There are days where I literally just can't get out of bed. Where I can't even hold Renner in my arms for long periods of time; even having him sit on my lap at times is unbearable. I can't stand up in shower, some days. I have to sit on our bathroom sink to do my makeup. Keagan has to call into work for the third day in a row to help me; or will receive a stressful phone call in the middle of his busy day to come home, because I can't pick Ren up out of his crib. Our love life is complicated. Making dinners is sometimes far, and few between. The house is messy. Our room is in constant disarray with laundry. Every step I take on a walk is like a knife churning inside, and sending shock waves down my legs, and around my lower back. My body suffers from not being able to work out. My mind suffers. Everyone in our home suffers. 

It's a pain that travels through my lower back, into my lower abdomen, through my hips and inside my thighs. Sometimes even on the outside of my lady area. It's like a razor blade is making it's way through me. Crying makes it worse, but you have to have some way to release the tension that is wrecking your body. Heating pads + baths only help so much. And you can only take so many pain pills before your comatose. So what are you left with except self loathing that this is the body you were born into? What's left except the thoughts of taking your own life because what kind of life is this? 


They say, "Pregnancy is suppose to stop the pain". 

It doesn't. 

They say, "You're only suppose to have pain during your period". 

You don't.

They say, "Take out your uterus because that will cure you."

It won't.

And you know what I say to all those myths?
GO. TO. H E L L.


I experienced my worst pains while pregnant + a week before my period.
I am in pain 24/7. And while pills give me relief, it doesn't take it away.
Oils help. Not eating certain foods help. Baths help. Heating pads help.
But it doesn't eliminate it.

But you know, with all of these shitty trials, never once has Keagan made me feel like inadequate wife, or mother, and has never made me feel unloved. And trust me I've felt like it plenty of times. I can't always protect my mind from unwanted thoughts. There have been many breakdowns in our home. I am definitely not the easiest patient, I'll admit. When I'm feeling insecure, I lash out because I don't feel safe inside my own body. I know that he would like to come home to a home cooked meal, and clean house every night. I know that I would love my house to stay organized for more than a day. I would love to be able to bathe Ren every night without struggling to bend over the bathtub. Or bend down to load + unload the dishwasher without my uterus feeling like its about to fall out or rip apart completely. 


There are so many things I would love to be able to do, but can't. And some days, it weighs on me, and is hard to accept it. Having to rely on pain medicine to help me function is beyond frustrating, and emotionally difficult. But besides all of the negatives that are taking place inside my body + mind, there are so many positives to be joyous about.  Like, that we were able to have Renner in the first place. And, although it is painful, I still have the ability to walk. I have my mind. I have my faith. I have the unconditional love and support from my husband, Heavenly Father, and family. I have been blessed in more way than I can count. And while I may not have complete control over this trial, but I do have control over how I handle it, and that truly makes the difference in my life.

I have my faith. I have my accountability. I have a crap load of love + charity in my heart. I have the ability see, and feel the beautiful things around me. Like this incredibly beautiful kid I popped out - even with all the shit my uterus goes through.

Are there days where my overthinking, and pain get the best of me? Absolutely. I wouldn't be human if I didn't. Some days it's hard to remember the good days, especially when I'm curled in a ball writhing in pain on the kitchen floor, with my face laying next to the crumbs from Ren's "cook cooks". 

It pushes me to my limits, and at times makes me break. But that's why we call these things, trials. They are meant to push, and test us. I was told in the summer of 2011, that I had maybe a year left to get pregnant, because of how badly damaged my uterus was from endometrial scarring. And in 2012, I had an ER doctor tell me this straight to my face after hours of agonizing pain, and a questionable miscarriage, "I don't care if it's a cyst, endometriosis, or whatever - You. Will. Not. Get. Pregnant." And with that she threw up the peace sign, and walked out. Well, they obviously were wrong. 

I've had so many doctors thinking I only wanted the drugs, or that I was a hypochondriac or even depressed, and my head was making up the pain. I've had plenty of doctors that have made me bawl my eyes out, or made me see the hospital psych because they thought my pain was "emotional related".

Sometimes, people can't understand, or empathize the pain you're going through because they can't see it. I've had only 1 doctor in my entire life, actually sit me down, and showed me nothing but love, and understanding. She never once made me feel crazy, or like I was some pill popping fiend. And I gotta say, it was probably the best feeling in the world to just be validated, and heard by a doctor.

I remember the first time I saw her I was 5 months pregnant with Renner. I was doing dishes late that night, and I had the worst pain rip through me and some blood pour out of me. We immediately went to the hospital terrified we were losing the baby. I told her my entire past, and she sat with me, and held my hand as I cried through the pain. She looked at me, and told me that the baby was fine, and it was just the scar tissue ripping around my uterus and just caused some trauma. But Ren was safe. She told me not to worry about anything because she was going to be my doctor for now on, and that she will be delivering my baby. The relief we felt was beyond anything we've ever experienced with this. Finally! SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD, and was hearing us out. Heavenly Father had answered our prayers.

Heavenly Father has been my light through all of this. He has answered many of my prayers. He helps me through the worst of my pain, and sometimes takes it away for brief moments. He is there for me, in a way that most can't be. Being vulnerable is a hard thing for me to do, but He knows me, and my heart. He sees the parts of me that I can't explain in words, or even thoughts. 

Through these trials I have become more grateful, more loving, compassionate, and understanding toward others. 

I am grateful for Him, and his unfailing grace surrounding me, and my family. 

I am grateful that even through all of this I was able to carry, and bare a healthy child. 

I am grateful for Keagan, and the love and support he surrounds me with. He has never belittled my pain, or my thoughts. Never casted me aside, or deemed me damaged. He has always been by my side, and has never let me feel less than. His love, and faith gives me more than enough strength.

I am grateful for the tiny fingers that move the hair out of my face so he can see me, and give me a big smile, and giggle. That right there will make any heart skip a beat, and find pure bliss in.

I am grateful to have a Mom, and had Dad who were so determined, and strong willed to never let the doctors, when I was younger, and now, to brush me aside, and call my pain a sign of depression, or made up. They never once doubted me, and never took no for an answer. 

I am grateful for my entire league of a family. My blood, In-Laws, and the friends who are my family. Whose never ending love, compassion, meals on "those" nights, phone calls, watching Ren for a few hours, driving me to hospitals, giving me countless of boosts and inspirational talks and snuggles, help at church, bath mixtures made, slushies brought to me, and countless of other things, have all made the difference in my life, and has made it so beyond wonderful. You all are rockstars to me. 

I am beyond grateful for all my Endo Sisters who understand and are also fighting their own battles with this painful disease. You are incredibly brave women and I love each and everyone of you. To those who have shared your stories with me, and have held me while I cried, you have made me stronger by sharing your love. You are my shining stars + heroes.

Vulnerability comes in all different ways. Mine is sharing my pains, letting people see it, and asking for help. Coming to terms with this disease that I have has helped me morph into a better person. And I hope that by sharing this piece with you, that it will help those who struggle to come to terms of their own vulnerabilities, and will give you the strength to express it.

You can find more on my endo journey -  h e r e.

*Quote designs like these are made by me. If you want to use these images please ask, or link back to me. Thank you! :)

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Time of Thanksgiving.

So living in Canada as an American is kind of a challenge at times. Especially during certain holidays like 4th of July and Thanksgiving. Canadians celebrate their Independence on July 1st, and their Thanksgiving on the second Monday of October. In my family those are pretty big holidays to celebrate, apart from Christmas. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite. I'm the baby of my family you see, and so by the time I was married my siblings were grown, and had families of their own and lived all around the States. So it was always a time with my mom and dad, and I to just be together. Watch movies, EAT, talk about what we're grateful for, what we would like to really improve on in the graditude department, and so on. This year is a little different. It's the first year without my Dad.

This week has been particularly hard on me. Being pregnant my emotions are already heightened, and range from all sides of the emotional pole, and I've just been stuck in this sad whirlwind. Thinking has always been my worse enemy, and now all I have time to do is think. Think about how drastically my life has changed in the past few years, and how things are going to turn out in the future. I'm far away from home with no real connection to my family besides a phone call. It's been quite the challenge. It never use to be though. Looking back I loved to travel, and jumped at the chance to be away from my ever so protective parents. And now all I crave is to be close to them. My mom and I have always had a bit of a struggling relationship. Not that we weren't close, we were extremely close. We were just so alike in a so many different ways we couldn't be compatiable with how each other thought, or reacted to certain things under one roof. But ever since my Dad first got sick, up until he passed we've drawn closer together. It pains me to be so far away from her.

Last night Keagan took me out on a little date. We went to Taco Bell to satifiy my ridiculous preggo craving. When we first were walking in there was this homeless man who was also walking inside to use the bathroom. At first I was kind of put off by his odd mutterings, and weird hand gestures while talking to himself, but I didn't think anything more about him when we walked up to the counter to order. While I was filling my drink up, and gathering some much needed sauce packets, Keagan walks over to the front door to talk to the homeless man, who was now standing in the loft area between the outside door and door to the inside. He asks the man if he was hungry and would like some tacos. The man looked shocked, and gracely replied that he would love some. So Keagan walks over to me and just says, "I'm going to give him some of our tacos okay?". I couldn't even react fast enough, he just grabs them and hands them to the man. We sit down, and couldn't help but just stare up at my amazing husband. I say to him, "You know Keags you are the most amazing man ever, and I'm pretty sure I just fell more in love with you." He laughs is off and says, "Why? Because I gave him tacos?" The thing is it wasn't the fact that he gave him tacos. It was the fact that he didn't even think about it. It just came naturally to him. It put so much prespective into my mind. I have been so wrapped up in my own feelings, and depressed thought process to care to think about anything else.

While sitting there I was reminded of a cute story that happened when my Dad was in the hospital. We went for a walk down the hallway, and we saw this guy with his leg strapped up in a cast held up above him in a sling. I said to my dad, "Man that guy is messed up. That is so sucky." My Dad turns, looks and says, "Oh man I hope he's okay." When we got near the nurses station, that was only a few steps from my dads room, he asks one of the nurses if he can bring the boy in the room with the broken leg a newspaper, magazine, a doughnut, or just something to cheer him up. They said that they didn't have any magazines, except some "chick" ones, and that he was a diabetic. My Dad just had this determined look on his face, but let it go. While I'm in his room looking for a movie for us to watch I turn to ask my dad a question, and he's no where to be seen. (Now my dad has been in the hospital for almost a week, and has tried to escape 4 times. So needless to say I was frantically looking for him.) I run down the hall looking for him, go to the nurses station, and they say they haven't seen him, but offer to help look. As I look away from the counter down the other side of the hallway, the way we came from his walk, I see him skipping towards me. I start laughing and ask him where he was. He just said simply, "I went to bring my newspaper down to that boy, but turns out he wasn't a boy. He was a grown man." I just smiled at him. Here's a man dying of cancer, and in tremendous amount of pain, and it just came so naturally to him to help a guy he didn't even know who was plagued with boredom, and a broken leg laid up in his hospital bed. It was such a small gesture, but it meant so much to the man who was released the next day.

Sitting there with Keags I asked him what he was most thankful for in the world. He just sat there for a bit, and finally said, "Honestly, I'm thankful for everything. I can't think of one thing I'm not entirely grateful for in my life." It made me think about what I'm truly thankful for.

I'm so thankful to have such a loving, compassionate, understanding husband who loves me everyday to the fullest of his extent, and makes me the happiest woman possible. Who takes care of me when I am at my sickest, and when I am completely healthy. Who shares the same beliefs, and is always striving for our family to become closer to Heavenly Father. I am so thankful that he will be the father of my children. I am thankful for little Renner inside my belly, who is constantly reminding me just how strong he is becoming. I am thankful that I had a Dad so loving and caring to me. Who made me the woman I am today, and taught me the most incredible things I couldn't even begin to explain. Who taught me what to look for in a husband. Who shared his amazing humor gene with me, along with his other amazing traits. Who taught me to embrace life and death with open arms. I'm thankful that I have such an amazing Mother. Whos strength and undying love, and compassion taught me how to love others unconditionally, and to not be afraid of the life I've been given. Who taught me how to have equal measures of being a lover and fighter. Who taught me how to be carefree, and fun. But most of all how to be cautious of the dangers of the world. I'm thankful for my sister who has always played such a huge role in my life. She taught me how to be an amazing mother and wife, and to look at things always in the best light, even when things appear awful during their darkest moments. I'm thankful for my brothers, who have all taught me how to fight properly, how to respect myself as a lady, and how to be the girly-est tomboy around. I'm especially thankful for my sister in law Becky, who without her I surely wouldn't be where I am today. She taught me what it takes to stand up for what I believe in, and how to live a life worth living. Also, I am thankful for our amazing dog Roxy. Without her my life when my husband is away would be terribly boring, and depressing. She brings so much joy into our life its crazy. If we are this obsessed about our little doggie I can only imagine how it will be for our kids!

I have many things I am thankful for in my life. Earthly things, as well as Spiritual things. I am extremely sad that my Dad is gone now, but I am also extremely thankful for the gospel in my life that has taught me that I will see him again, and that he will never truly leave me. I do have to remind myself of that fact from time to time, but I know that he wouldn't want me to be suffering from him going to do the Lord's work. This coming year things will be different. We will be parents. Who knows where we will be living. But one thing is certain. My graditude and love for life, my family, my friends, and everything else that the Lord has blessed us with will be more intense. Life is constantly changing, and throwing us in directions we want and don`t want to go in, but we have control over how we react to these changes. I want to be the best possible role model for our son, and the best mother I can be. Mistakes will happen. Sadness and joy are always apart of my life. But I will live that life in the best possible way I know how, and better.