As I write this I am engulfing a sweet and salty almond granola bar before Renner decides to wake up. I've been living off of these and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the past couple weeks. I have been making dinners though. Actual dinners too. Not just easy frozen ones.

Motherhood has been a crazy change of pace.

I feel like a completely different person. A good different. I'm learning to rock the nasty breast milk smell on all of my shirts, wearing nursing bras, my greasy hair always being up, poo and pee on everything, breastfeeding.. in public.., lack of personal space, spit up on all of my clothes, a dirty house, sleeping on clean diapers, having stretch marks, having crazy eyes, having no energy, and wearing the same outfit over and over because I can't bare to move from my spot for fear of waking him. Yet I am the happiest I've ever been. I get to snuggle the cutest little boy of my life anytime I want.

Now do I crave some alone time? Of course. Do I secretly wish I could sleep alone at night - all the way through the night? Yes I do. I'd be crazy if I said I didn't miss sleeping all through the night, and alone with my husband. Do I kind wish I smelled pretty, instead of dried up old breast milk? Trust me I do. Ohh how I long for the smell of my perfume. 

Yes, I would be crazy if I said I didn't miss those things, but really, I wouldn't trade motherhood for anything. I'll gladly take the spit up yoga pants, the dirty hair, the lack of sleep, and stretched out shirts forever for this kid.

Why I Blog.

I have been asked multiple times;

Why do you blog?

What's in it for you?

& Why do you love it so much?  

{These are my answers.}

"Why do you blog?"

I like to think this blog is not so much about me but more about the things that inspire me.

It helps me grow, and has taught me more about myself, and life.. 

It has helped me to learn to become vulnerable, and see things in a different light. 

We all have been through the ringer in our lives.
And we all can relate to each other. In one way, or another. 

I want this to be a place of comfort, inspiration, and love, with dash of humor.
For myself, and anyone who wants to be apart of it.

"What's in it for me?"

I get to express myself in a real, genuine way.
I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not.

I love writing about being a mom and wife, and a lot of different things on how I'm feeling on a personal level, because they are what makes me - Me.   

Writing on my blog helps me learn how to express myself in a whole new way. 

Blogging is for others, as much as is it for myself, and family.

So, what's in it for me?
I get to share my experiences, successes, failures, love, loss..

It comforts me. And it comforts others, because they know, they aren't alone in how they feel.

We are all real people, with real stories.
And this is a piece of mine.

        "Why do you love it so much?"

Writing is my passion. 

I love writing my real, raw feelings, and thoughts out. 

It has become a safe place for me to go, and write about what I feel I need too. 

{Share my personal testimony of God, about being a wife, the birth of our son, struggles, anything motherhood..}

I enjoy going through different blogs, and learning about others, so much. 

I love reading their stories, and the magic in their lives.

No one has a picture perfect life.

Mine is full of trials, and tribulations scattered all over the map.

But that is what makes life more beautiful, and special. 

When we experience real pain, only then can we experience real joy.

Life is beautiful, and scary.

And I wouldn't want mine any other way.

Find your inspiration. Search and discover your talents.

It's amazing what you learn about your life, the more you take time to live it.

Magic of Moms.

Motherhood ; The highest and most holiest calling.  

Being a mom is terrifying. It's hard, painful, and rewarding; exciting, gross {at times}, and sticky; exhausting, stressful, and wonderful.  But most of all, it's beautiful. 

I woke up at 3 this morning with thoughts bursting around my mind. At a few failed attempts to go back to sleep, I got up and decided to watch an episode, or four, of House (my favee). 6 AM rolled around, and I still wasn't tired. I heard Renner start to stir. {When he usually wakes up this early we give him a bottle of milk, and he goes back to sleep - monnayyy, what whaat.} Then I decided to go back to bed before Keagan had to get up for work in a half an hour to get some extra snuggles in.

As I laid there I kept thinking about what it was like before we had Renner. Being "newly" married was so much fun. We could hop in the car at anytime we wanted, and head to the gas station for some late night treats. Or go on a spontaneous trip to some crazy place, and not have to worry about packing a bunch of stuff. Just grab what we needed, then bounce.

Life was so much simpler then. We didn't over think everything. We never had to worry about "baby proofing". It didn't matter if we left our Dr. Pepper cans on our coffee table, or food (well, actually anything for that matter). But it was missing something.

It was missing the food on the ground. The midnight dashes in desperation hoping to find any open gas station, close to our house, to get a jug of milk. The christened 3 P's {pee, poo, puke} on every piece of furniture. The never ending squeal and laughter ringing through out our halls. The sense of love, and the Spirit so strongly felt. The crumbs all over our feet from his "cook cook's". The pots, pans, and tupperware spewed all over our kitchen. The little finger prints that cake our TV, and can't bare to wash off because we know one day they won't be there. The open mouth kisses. The playing chase around the house, and having him laugh hysterically. We were missing, him.

Sometimes, as mom's, we don't feel adequate, and equipped enough to handle certain situations that are placed in front of us. I know I do. I am terrified most of the time. But whenever I feel doubt, I kneel down, and I pray for strength. Almost immediately, I feel relief. I feel uplifted.


Having this little person always counting on you.
Always.. wanting and needing your attention, and for you to hold them.
Needing every spare second you have to throw a ball, back and forth.
Watching them take their first tentative steps toward you. 

Having you sit in their room for half an hour, so they can show you
every single toy they have for the millionth time. 

Saying their first words. 

It's beautiful.

I am humbled, everyday. I am reminded that I am not here on this Earth for myself. I'm here to help grow, and strengthen my family. Being a mother has pushed me to look deep within myself, and find out who I truly am.

Renner, has rocked my view of the world. I never would have guessed that I would become a mom at 21. {Seriously, I would of laughed in your face if you told me that I would be a couple years ago.} It was an amazing surprise when we found out. 2 weeks prior I found out my Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer. He passed away 6 weeks after that, but he went knowing that his baby girl was going to be baring a new life. I knew with a surety that Heavenly Father wouldn't take my Dad, without giving me a boy in return. I just, knew. Now, along with some awesome traits of his, he also carries my dad's middle name. 

{Renner Duane Paisley}

Every day there is a new found struggle in my days as a mom. But everyday is there is also magic to be found.

I am blessed to have a mom that shows me unconditional love, and support. She is my best friend, and my hero. I wouldn't be here without her. (Literally) She answers all of my frantic phone calls when I think Ren might be dying, and she always lovingly tells me, he will be fine. I am proud to say that some of her eccentric, and sometimes frazzled, personality is rubbing off on me. She is my number 1. 

I am blessed to have an amazing mother-in-law, who raised Keagan to be such an amazing man. Who shared with him the Gospel. And showed him all the beautiful in this life, even with all the horrors he faced as a youth. 

I am blessed to have the 2 most amazing sisters in my life; that always acted like they were my mom ;) 

I am grateful for all of the women in my life, and those around me.

Now, I don't know if my body will be able to handle another pregnancy. We will try. But if it was only meant to be for one, I will gladly accept that. Heavenly Father allowed me to experience this beautiful moment. I have learned more about life, and love in the past 14 months, than in my entire 22 years on this Earth.

I am so proud, and honored to be able to have the title, Mom.

Happy Mothers Day, to all of you beautiful ladies. 

#itwasmom

You Will Never Be This Loved Again.

I knew something was wrong.

Ren had fallen eariler that day. 

A pretty bad one. 

He didn't react to it like he usually does. 

Which is cry for a couple minutes, then move on. 

I had to take him on a walk to clear his head, and make him feel better. 

We had just gotten, and I had laid Renner in bed to take his afternoon nap when I heard him start screaming.

That blood curdling scream. And you immediately know. Something isn't right.

I rushed into his room to see his arm entangled in his crib bars, and I slowly pull him out.

I didn't really think to much of it, because this wasn't the first time this had happened.

Rogue came to investigate. Usually whenever she is around Renner gets so excited, but he wasn't.

He tried to pet her with his right arm, stopped midway, and then started crying.

 I put him on the ground while I grabbed his blankie, and noticed he couldn't put his full weight on that arm.

He fell to his right every time he tried to crawl.

My heart sank. I felt absolutely sickened.

I didn't know if he was falling because of the fall he had, or his arm got twisted in the bars. 

I called Keagan in to come and see what was happening.

Naturally, he wanted to see what Ren was doing, but I was so protective that I snapped because
I knew what was going to happen, and I didn't want to cause him anymore pain.

But Keagan was so loving, and calm. I let Ren crawl. He fell on his right side, and started crying.

I swooped him up, and held him to calm him down. 

I told Keagan we're going to the hospital. Now.

I really don't think we've ever gotten ready, and in the car that fast before.

I wanted to go to the Stollery's Children Hospital, but the Whitemud {quickest road to get there} was completely packed bumper to bumper. So, we just decided to go to the Misericordia - it's right down the street from us, and it was the hospital that he was born in.

We get him checked in, and was told to go take a seat in the waiting room.

We had a lot of really nice people there with us. Which made it bearable.

They made Renner laugh, as much as he could.
I think that was Heavenly Father's way of saying,
"This is why you weren't meant to go to the Stollery. To meet these amazing people. And to be comforted by them."

2 1/2 hours later, we finally get called back to see a triage doctor.

He wanted to take some x-rays, and he was thinking that it could be his collarbone, but he wasn't sure.

Finally, he gets called to go get x-rays.

I take him back by myself. Since it was only going to be a few minutes.

I told the x-ray techs that it was his wrist, and forearm that seems to be hurting the worst, and that they should x-ray that as well.
They said they would call the doctor after the collarbone one.

It was awful.

I felt like a mother lion pacing back and forth in front of the X-Ray room.

He was screaming so loud. So painfully.

I was holding onto his shirt so tightly my knuckles were white.

Onlookers were sympathetic.

But the kindest lady to me was a porter, who had brought me and Ren to the x-ray area.

She was so loving, and stood with me while we waited for them to be done. 

When they opened the door, I was greeted by a smile, and tears weld up in his eyes.

He was holding a cute sticker.

They handed him to me, and he clung to me for dear life.

Whimpering, and nuzzling his head in my shoulder.

The doctor came, and looked at the collarbone x-rays.

He didn't see anything, so he wanted to do more.

I brought Ren back into that dimly lit room, and laid him on the hard surface.

Immediately the tears came back, and he grabbed onto my hoodie.

Desperate for me to hold him again.

Tears flooded my eyes.

They asked me to leave, and I turned around and walked out the door.

Then began the longest 10 minutes of my life.

I don't think I've ever felt so protective than in those dreadful moments.

I wanted to bust the door down, and attack everyone causing my baby to cry that hard.

I knew the contraption they were strapping him in was hurting him.

I could hear it. And they couldn't soothe him as well as I could.

I felt so sick. So helpless. So sad. So guilty.

I just wanted to hold him.

Finally they were done.

They opened the door, and there was that smile again.

I grabbed him, and he started crying.

But not a sad cry. Almost like a, "where have you been?" whimper.

They told us to wait for the porter to lead us back to the waiting room.

The doctor will find us to tell us the results in a few.

I showed him the paintings on the wall while I rocked and sang to him.

He calmed down. Gave the nice older couple a smile, 

while they reassured him he was safe.

He was in mom's arms now. And he was safe.

The sweet lady came, and found us again. She got Ren to smile, even giggle at her.

She told me of how her son had fallen many times.

Busted his head open 3 days before his 1st birthday. Broken his arm a week before his second.

"It never ends sweetie", she said. "It hurts us way more than it hurts them."

Ain't that the truth.

As soon as I saw Keagan I felt immediate relief.

He tried to hold Renner, but he wouldn't let go of me.

We waited for 30/45 minutes when the doctor came back around.

His arm wasn't broken.

But it's badly sprained.

He told us to give him Advil every 6 hours, until his arm heals.

Which should be in a week or 2.

Relief washed over me.

Nothing was broken.

Just sprained.

He didn't see the need to cast it, or sling it because Renner would find that more annoying than the actual sprain itself.
So just keep his activities minimum, and make sure he rests that arm.

I laughed to myself. Good luck, was all I was thinking. 

Renner is beyond active.

Even today, after everything he went through, he still is determined to crawl.

If only a split second on that right hand, he does.

We've been encouraging walking a lot more now.

But he just hobbles on his knees to get around now.

Oh how I love him, and his determination.

My sister in law, Becky, told me // Welcome to the Mothers Club!

Apparently, now I'm a member, haha. Like I wasn't already after giving birth.

But now I'm initiated.

I feel honored to be apart of it.

There is a silent, almost, unspoken bond between us mothers.

We are there for each other.

We cheer each other on.

Are there for one another.

Never judging. Always loving.

We all make mistakes.

We all have raging moments. And moments of pure bliss.

We have messy houses, unmade beds, toys spewed across the floor,
puke in our hair, poo on our clothes.. sometimes couch, unbrushed hair.. and teeth,
more dirty laundry than clean..

But we are also full of an undying love.

Love for our babies. These magnificent creatures that we grew inside our bodies.

I am grateful for these feelings of protection for my sweet boy.
I am grateful for the ways that motherhood pushes me beyond my limit.
I am grateful for the unconditional love, and support from my husband.
I am full of more love than I ever have been in my entire life.
And I am so blessed for all of it.


"You will never be this loved again. So on those days when you are feeling stressed out, touched out, and depleted; Just remember that you will never be this loved again. One day you will long for their affection. So choose a soft voice. Choose a gentle hand. Choose love."
- AK