one.   We adopted/saved a precious cat this week. We named her, Rogue Warrior.

twelve.   The number of things I was to sew on my Pinterest Sewing Projects board. I am so beyond excited about finally getting my sewing machine. {My mom brought it for me when she came to visit.}

four.   The number of favorite dinosaurs that he plays with. Most of them kind of scare him.

two.   The number of doctors our poor boy went in and saw in one day.

one.   The 1 wish I have is to go on a date with my man. I am in desperate need.

twenty.   The number of times we've watched Despicable Me because the minions make him so happy.

 

three.   The number of Pedialyte bottles we've gone though.

twenty.   The number of songs on my special playlist that have been replaying over, and over this past week.

ten.   The number of how many times I've been puked on this week.

forty.   The number of times I've called my mom & Keagan's grandma. In a row.
 
countless.   The amount of prep-talks from Keagan I have gotten - Snuggles from an overly sick kid - Overwhelmingly blessed I've felt for modern medicine - And all the amazing help from my wonderful mother, and Keagan's lovely grandmother {I really don't know what I'd do without those 2 beautiful women}.



This is the actual first time Renner has been this sick. He's had minor colds, but nothing like this. And although this week has been nothing but cater to his every single need because he was too unbearable weak to move, it has taught me a lot, and has made me so grateful for the times that he isn't sick. How I am longing for the days where he is screeching, and yelling so loudly. I miss his sweet voice.  But it has taught me that I CAN do this.

There were times I was crying on the phone to Keagan, while he was at work, because I felt defeated, and alone - That I just couldn't do it.

But then my mom said to me, "Kayla, you can. You are a mom. Mom's have superpowers that no one else in the world have. We step up, and do what needs to be done. Tap into them, and use them."

I sobbed. I miss her so much. 20+ hours away from her is too much. But I am grateful for her wisdom, and strength.  Next time Renner is this sick, I will be more prepared.
Well, I'll try at least.

Oh, I Can't Delete That? Crap.

Random Jumbled Thoughts of the Day.

I think my favorite words are: Crap & Freaking.

I wonder what the parents, well.. mostly mom's, will think when Renner comes running up saying, "Holy crap Mom, that kid is so freaking cool!" I, for one, don't know. 

But for now he can't talk, so I'll keep using my favorite words. 

I really wish I can delete some of the words I say out loud. There are times I start saying something.. Stop. Then desperately want to push the backspace button. 

Except, this is real life. And I can't. Crap. 

I just love being honest. I feel like if we all lived in a "Divergent" world though, I'd probably die in the Candor faction. Dauntless all the way! - But seriously, I speak my mind. I am cautious of those around me, feelings, but when I am bursting at the seams with something I know they need to hear, regardless if they'll hate me for it - I say it.

People respect me for it though. And they always know where they stand with me. Enough of this wishy-washy stuff these days. Just be honest. But be loving in your honesty. 

Loving is the keyword here. Honesty comes with the package, but if you're coming from a place of anger or hate.. Then that's a completely different situation. In that case, do what I do, sometimes. Write a letter. It helps. Trust me.

Lots of letters have been written in this household. It keeps anger in check, and you don't loss that respect because of angry/hurtful words.

I love honesty. I love people being honest with me. I think it strengthens your relationship. Helps you grow stronger together. Too many secrets, and hard feelings have threatened plenty of marriages, and friendships.

So I might say "crap" and "freaking" a lot.
But just remember;

I will always call you out on your crap, because I freaking love you.

But if you do tell me I look fat in these jeans. I will cut you.

Confessions.

1. I have started re-watching the Pokemon: Indigo League series, and I am in love with it just like I was when I was 7 years old. I'm a nerd. - The newest ones after that just make me sad. 

2. I know Renner will love it too. And I will play Pokemon with him. 

3. Although I am so happy that saved Rogue, last night Keagan had to give me calm talk because I was having anxiety of her scratching Renner & Roxy. But then I realize how incredibly sweet, and docile she is. - What is everyone's thoughts on declawing though? I have heard both sides of it. 

4. I am overly excited to go watch Divergent. Like I am bouncing up, and down thinking about it. I'm hoping we can go on a date tomorrow night and see it! 

5. I have had a slurpee every single day this week. It has gotten me through Renner's sickness. { Dr. Pepper, Blue Raspberry, & Cream Soda. } Delicious! 

6. I always feel weird asking people to "follow" me, or my blog. 

7. I felt seriously defeated this week because Renner was so sick, and was throwing up everywhere. I admit I had a breakdown, or two. 

8. I can only drink ice cold water. Water that has been sitting on the table, or my bed side table for an hour makes me want to gag. 

9. My sister gave me a sewing machine! I am so excited to us it. But I have zero fabric. She is, thankfully, sending me some. The States just has the best fabric, and it's cheap. I can wait to sew Ren some shoes!

10. I still suck at crocheting. But I try and practice everyday. I made 2 headbands, and a flower (my amazing friend Bethany taught me to make that.) - but trying to make a magic circle will be the death of me.

Real Talk / My Faith Booster.

Today was a very inspiring, faith boosting, special day. 

Renner took 2 steps all on his own. 

After he took those 2 fantastic steps he squatted down while looking at me, and smiled. I clapped, and praised him. He clapped along. Sweetest thing ever watching him clap. 

I attempted to get him to do it again a few minutes later. 

And what happened next was beyond tender..

I stood him up, coaxing him to come to me, but he just stood there. 

Staring up into absolutely nothing.

But was there actually nothing there? 

He smiled. Not just a normal smile for me, but the most precious, big smile I've ever seen on him. 

I tried to get him to walk to me, but he kept looking up towards the wall.. Just smiling. I look back, and immediately was overcome with warmth. I start smiling, turn back towards Ren and said, "Is your Poppy here?" (Poppy is my Dad's "Grandpa" name) He looked at me, then back to the spot.. The smile on his face a mile wide. 

I can feel my eyes start to burn with tears. 

"Ren, is Poppy here to see you really walk for the first time?" 

He squats down.. Too distracted to focus on walking. He crawls over to the spot he's been smiling at. He sits down, and starts laughing. The sweetest laugh I've ever heard. Then he starts clapping. Just grinning and laughing at the wall, and clapping. 

I am bawling sitting on the kitchen floor watching this sweet encounter. 

So overwhelmed with love. 

I can feel my Dad sometimes. Even if it's a brief bit of warmth. Just a reassurance that he is here. Renner, I know, can see him. He always has. Nothing makes me happier, or makes me feel more at peace than knowing Renner has my Dad watching over him. 

Having this gospel in our lives is such a huge blessing, to me personally. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would be a complete wreck without it. It gives me peace, and an assurance that I will see my Dad again. 

Losing a loved one is so incredible hard. And whenever I am struggling, I

 get on my hands and knees, and I pray. 

I pray for Heavenly Father to give me strength, and courage to get through this. And ask that he will also provide me with warmth, and comfort so I feel less c

old from the sadness, and that I don't feel so alone. 

We all need a little bit of faith booster at times. And mine is that, I know that I will see all of my loved ones who have passed on, and who will pass on before me, again. 

But that's not to say that I don't miss him every single day. I do. But truthfully, although he is gone from this life, he will always be immortal to me here because I have a small piece of him crawling around our house. 

I see bits of him growing in Renner everyday. The way he smiles, and the creases around his eyes become more profound. The way his nostrils are a bit more rounder than Keagan's or mine. Even when he laughs or smiles, and I see a perfect mix of him and Keagan all around his precious face. 

Nothing is sweeter than that. 

"Be still, and know. That I'm with you."