'A picture of my child once a week, every week for a year'

I absolutely love this idea! I've seen this done on a few blogs, and I fell in love with watching their babes grow, and how much they change week by week. So I want to do this for Ren, but mostly for me. Plus it will keep me on top of my bloggin' game. (HA. Hopefully..) But instead of just doing a photo, I'm going to throw in a video or two, because the videos I have of Ren freaking kill me.

 {one / fifty-two}

He was being a complete, and utter crank bot this day. Throwing fits left and right, and took maybe a full half an hour nap total. So I decided to leave a half an hour early when going to get Keagan from work, and stop in at Ikea because he had to get out of the house or I was gonna die. (Because its right behind his store. Best layout plan ever. #winning) Whenever he is grumpy in the car I blast the music, and sing to him. There are only a few artist that make him completely at peace, and make him jam out.

 {Taylor Swift, Justin Timberlake, Beastie Boys, Jason Mraz, Imagine Dragons, Ed Sheeran, Lorde} 

There are a bunch of single hits that he is obsessed with, but it's something with their voices that just kicks him into a good mood. So, on this particular drive I belted out some T-Swizzle, and when I parked and turned around to see his cute smile, and his little, big hands bobbin' to the beat, I instead found this. Him snuggling with "Deer", passed the freak out. I literally sat there for 15 minutes just staring at him.

He makes it worth it. Even with his screeching.

{two / fifty-two}

{three / fifty-two}

 

Stolen.

It's gone.

My beautiful turquoise colored, chevron patterned wallet from Target.
It was my first ever wallet that I actual purchased for myself.
A whole whopping 16 bucks for this beautiful thing.
& I was so proud of it.
I have had wallets given to me as gifts, or hand-me downs from my sister.
But this one I got for myself.

I remember I was walking through Target on a date, by myself.       

#fistbump / holla!

Which at that time was rare.
Ren was about 8 months old, and I was so stoked to do some shopping, alone.
And as I was coming around the corner from trying on way too many sunglasses, I saw it.
The only one of its kind. Sitting pretty right at the top, waiting for me.

It was beckoning me to come forward, and pick it up.

And once I did, its spell was cast, and threw it in mah cart.
It was so perfect! A little fold up wallet that could hold all my 4 cards, and 20,000 receipts.
It could even hold my phone, guys. Which is a HUGE deal for me.
I was so proud of him. (yes, him)

A good year and a half with this little guy.
& we went through so much.
I burst his poor seams with the amount of receipts, and sheer crap he held for me.
But he never gave up. He never surrendered.

The Friday before Christmas Eve I was at Target, again.
But not alone this time. (if only I had been..)
Renner had reached his limit. He was done with this horror of shopping.
I paid for my things, and set my beautiful wallet right on top of my coat.
I scrambled out, pushing the stroller to the car.
Rushing so fast so I could give Renner his precious treat after being buckled in.  
Flash ain't got nothin' on dis mama.
I was already late picking up the man from work, and not thinking clearly.
On account of the screech that was blasting in my face.
Finally I reach the car.
The kid was flailing around, screaming, bucking like a World Champ Bronco.
Which got all Mom's walking into Target staring.
I unbuckled him, got him out, left the stroller by the trunk, and put him in his car seat.

Usually, I roll the stroller to the passenger side first.

Then throw all the "important stuff" in the passenger seat.

Like my purse/wallet. Couple bags. 

Whatever food I got for the kid in the store so he'd stop screeching. An energy drink, maybe?

Then put him in, and strap him down, and proceed with 

throwing the stroller, and the rest of the crap in the trunk.

This evening though, was different.

Ren was literally something out of a horror movie.

(Exorcist? Just to name one off the top of my head)

So I put him in first, and strapped him down with all the strength I could muster.

And while I was man-handling him, a group of gangstas, and thugs walked by.

In reality they were really just teenagers who prob just 
got out of school. But I'm going for affect people!

I was paying more attention to the screaming kid more than them though.

Then I closed the door, took a deep breath, and proceeded to put the stroller in the trunk.

I grabbed my coat, and purse (which was thankfully underneath my coat), and put them on the drivers seat.

Then once the stroller was safely secured, I got in the car and drove to pick up the man.

The sweet croon of Justin Timberlake's voice came over the radio, and calmed Ren's sweet spirit instantly.

Thank you JT, you beautiful man.

Then I had a thought.

"Uh, where the freak is my wallet?" 

The song ended, and Ren started to freak again.

"Meh, too late now. You won't need it Saturday, and then Keagan has the next two days off, and you won't need it then either. So whateva."

Three days later.

I had to drive Keagan to work, and I remembered that I need to return something at Best Buy.

But the receipt for it was in my wallet..

The thing is that Best Buy has the dumbest, I repeat, DUMBEST return policy.

If you purchase an item on your debit card, and you want to return said item, 

you must have your receipt, and the EXACT same debit card to get your money back.

Otherwise you just get a gift card.

So stupid. #amiright

So, I go to the trunk to find my wallet. My beautiful wallet. (crying on the inside)

I look around, and can't find it.  
Crap.

Then I take everything out of the trunk, and still can't find it.  
Double Crap.

I stand there after searching, trying to remember.

And everything comes flooding back to me.

The thugs. The gangsters. The beautiful placed wallet sitting on top of the stroller. Ripe for the pickings.

I mean did I NOT grow up in Southern California? Was I not properly taught how to handle a wallet?

Canada has made me soft.

Luckily, Keagan is a supervisor at Best Buy, and could pull some strings.

And luckily, that they invented this thing call an e-receipt, and I actually gave them my email to send it to me.

Made for Mothers In Mind.

Because who hasn't lost a receipt for a laptop?

Or for a camera? Or for a game console?

...just me?  

I swear I'm cursed with losing receipts from that bloody store.

Moral of the story.

Don't leave your freaking wallet on top of your stroller!

Who steals from mom's though? Who?

I mean, seriously?

Give me back my wallet!

#stompingmyfootandheartbroken

 

A special thanks to one of my fave apps, A Beautiful Mess, for helping me emphasize how beautiful my wallet is.. was.

REAL TALK | Having Hope

disclaimer // You should probably read {this post} before you start reading, just to get a baseline of where I am coming from. Also, I do not think that the oils have "healed" me, only have helped me tremendously. I still believe in the power of doctors, and the amazing things that they can do. Oils affect people in different ways, and you should talk to your oil specialist &/or doctor about it if you think you liked to start using them. thank you.

I felt like I had lost faith. 
And hope. 
In doctors. 
In myself. 
Falling into the darkest place in my mind. 
And I needed help out. 
I needed something/someone to bring me out, or rather yank me out. 

But not my hair, please.

I love the doctors I have now. I am extremely blessed to have finally found them, but it's taken me a long journey to get to this place. 10 surgeries from doctors, who have straight up told me, 

I can fix this 

I can get rid of this, and take your pain away completely 

This WILL work 

Only then to come to me afterward in my groggy state, and tell me that it would take a miracle for me to get pregnant, and I will most likely have to get a full hysterectomy before I'm 21. 

I am beyond grateful that they attempted to help me. And that their hearts were in the right place - at the time. But then once they realized I was a "lost cause", they just wrote me off. Gave me a script of pain meds, and sent me on my way. 

I lost faith that I could ever feel normal. Or better. Even to just get to a safe place in my own body, and mind. It was a hard thing for me to get a grip on. It was a hard thing to tell my soon to be husband, that I would most likely never get pregnant. I was 20 when a miracle happened only 9 months into our marriage. 

Those two beautiful lines that appeared on the pregnancy test.

I didn't really think I was pregnant. It was even a fluke that I even tested myself. I went through a phase of getting overly excited, thinking I might be, in the first couple months we were married, but all the negatives were just a deeper spin with the knife. But the my sweet sister in law talked me into just "making sure" one night. 

That warm rush of love that completely washed over me when I saw it was positive was indescribable. And it's a feeling I'll never forget.

Skip ahead a year and a half later, and we come to now. 
We have been married for 3 years, and have, an almost, 2 year old. 
I remember one hard day when I was talking to Keagan on the phone, while he was on his way to work. 

I was crying to him. Telling him how I don't feel like a good wife, or mother. He told me to make an appointment with my doctor because he wanted to talk to her about a type of surgery that he had researched. I snapped at him that I wasn't going to go back under the knife, less than a year after my last one.

I told him I have zero faith in doctors. I'm done with false hope, and ideas. 

He said to me, "You aren't allowed to lose hope. You aren't allowed to lose faith. You need to find hope in something, because false hope doesn't exist. You will beat this. You are stronger than this. I need you stronger than this."

I needed that wake up call. I've been becoming a person I don't necessarily like because I'm letting this disease get the better of me. I refuse to let it.

Now enter in my amazing neighbor, Nicole. 
We live in the same building, and she lives in the room directly across from us. 
We had met a couple times, just saying hi, and the usual neighborly things. 
But then one day things changed. I can remember I was struggling that day. 
Keagan couldn't come home from work early, so I took Ren to the park to be outside, and get worn out. Nicole was there with her 2 youngest babes, and they were pushing Ren on the swing. We started talking, and then I ended up telling her everything that was going on with me. It was a little difficult to tell her because, well, I don't really tell anyone that part of myself. I don't think it has to do with embarrassment, or anything other than me not being able to let myself become vulnerable. But I literally felt this warmth come over me, reassuring me that I can trust her, and I am so glad that I did.

She made me feel so loved, and immediately asked what she could do for me. She told me that she is a Rep for Doterra, and that she would love to look up some oils that might be able to help me. I had heard about Doterra a few times from various friends, but I never really paid much attention to it. My thoughts were, "If actual doctors can't help me, or help alleviate my pain, what much can oils do?" She told me that she'd bring me over samples that night, and we'd go from there. She probably brought me over 10 samples, and had me try different combinations, and see what ones helped the best. 

It's taken me a little bit to start to see and feel a difference, but I do feel it. I see it in my family. I can feel it in myself. There are days when the oils aren't enough, but I'm hoping eventually I will get to the point where they will be. 

The ones I use the most are Clary Calm, & Lavendar. I'm slowly getting more in my collection, but I haven't been so excited about something like this in a long time. I haven't had hope like this in a long time. If Nicole hadn't been willing to go above and beyond for me, at that point, a stranger to her, I don't know where I would be right now or how I would be feeling. 

The saying, "it takes a village" is so completely accurate. It really does. We need to be there for each other. 

As women. 

As moms. 

As sisters. 

We are a community of hope and light, and it's our duty to share it with others. To share it with our sisters around us, and help each other when times are tough. Not beat each other down, and judge one another. Our love is eternal. Just like our service should be. And I am forever grateful for Nicole, and love she had for me to show me what she could offer to help make my and my family's life easier. I'm so blessed to call her my friend, and have her in my life. The love and selflessness she has given to me was beyond anything I could of ever imagined. She has done more for me than just show me what essential oils are. She's changed my outlook on a lot of things in my life, and I can't even begin to thank her for it. 

I hope you can do the same for someone else. 
It doesn't have to be something like this. 

It could be a conversation with the lady who's baby is screaming his face off in Target. 
Or a meal for the mom who is on her chick cycle, and can't move. [Cookies are always mandatory with those deliveries ladies ;)] 

Anything and everything we do for one another makes a difference, and makes this world a better place. And that is the world I want Renner, and possibly, future children to be apart of. 

My pain might get the best of me somedays. But I refuse to ever allow it to take away my hope. Because really, having hope is all I have to beat this.

Resolutions / 2015.

Happy New Year, my homies! 

2014 was a hell of a year for us! Here are some of the fun, exciting things that happened //

Ren turned 1 /  I turned 23 / Keagan turned 25 / 
Roxy turned 6 / Chris Pratt turned 35 (Hallelujah).
We celebrated our 3rd Anniversary.
Keagan switched jobs.
We finally got cable so we can watch Ellen.
We went to our first ever MMA Fight Night - Best Birthday Surprise ever.
Ren started to become more toddler like - I'm crying on the inside.
We did a bit of traveling, and spent a week in paradise that is Waterton.
Sharknado 2 was born.
Ren broke his arm.

Justin Bieber got arrested.
I got into a good rhythm of posting on my blog.. then lost it.
We rescued a cat, and then had a litter of kittens on our bed.

How I Met Your Mother aired its final episode, and it was so disappointing. 

& The Jurassic World trailer was released.

All in all, it was a fun 365 days spent with my favorite people. I think it was a huge learning period for us though, as a couple, parents, and just as individuals in general. It taught us heavily about clinging to one another, and Heavenly Father when things got hard, and not to lash out at each other. It was probably one of the hardest years we've had so far. Mentally, emotionally, and financially. But it was a meaningful year because we got through it together.

So this year we have decided to come up with resolutions that will help benefit us together as a family. We did make personal ones, like, make more homemade meals - me, keep up better with laundry - me, be less of a d-bag - me... You see a pattern? Here are some of ours //

We created more as the days went on. But here are the ones I personally made to myself to better our marriage, my parenting skills, and my well being // 

1. BE SILLY & PLAY.

I sometimes get so caught up in the negative, and adulthood, that I don't just act silly. Keagan and I have had many talks about how I don't just have fun, and relax. I don't know how I became this way. I remember in High School always being the one cracking jokes, rapping stupid things, and laughing all the time. All the time. Then one day a switch just flipped, and I started taking life a little too seriously. Which is completely LAME. We get one chance at this life, and I'll be damned if I'm not going to have fun livin' it. I want Renner to see his mama laughing, and being silly. Making him laugh. Making his Dad laugh. I want that in our home. In our lives. So that is my main resolution.

2. SPEAK SOFTER // LISTEN HARDER.

I have a loud voice. It's quieted down a bit ever since having Ren, but I still have my moments. Especially, when the Mommy Monster comes a roarin'. But I want to become a listener. I love hearing people tell me their stories. But I especially love Keagan's stories, and just hearing him talk in general. You hear some wives say that they hate hearing about their husband's days at work, and how they tune them out, or just don't care. But I love his. My day is at home with Ren. His day is there. So I honestly crave to hear about it. I don't necessarily understand a lot of his work lingo, but I try to. I want to. I want to become better at listening when we are arguing. I want to be better at listening to how he feels, even if it might not going along with how I'm necessarily feeling.

3. SHAKE IT OFF.

This has a couple different meanings, but the first one is to dance! Dancing releases so much tension in my body. Renner and I have jam sessions all the time, and just dance the day away. We dance when we clean. We dance when we cook. We are always dancing. He loves it. Keagan loves it. I love watching Keagan dance. It's great.

The second meaning is to let things go. Shake it off, and just let it flow, let it go.

4. LOVE.

One of my favorite sayings in our marriage is "Let's Get Naked". And one of my favorite friends, Lindsay, has the BEST blog, I think, for couples, that is amazingly named, Show Up Naked With Food. Seriously I love it, and her. BUT one of her posts gave me a brilliant idea that I have been wanting to try, and what more appropriate timing to try new things than New Years resolutions!

So, with that, we have made a resolution to do something intimate every night for the next month. Whether it's actually doing the deed, or just snuggling naked watching a movie, we've made the deal and sealed it with a kiss. {Even if we're tired. Even if we're sick.} I have noticed a complete change in our relationship even after the last few days. We're laughing more. We're more loving and affectionate towards each other. I recommend all of you awesome couples to give it a try. You won't regret it.

For Christmas, I gave Keagan a secret love photobook that was filled with sexy, but elegant pics of me. & I was a bit terrified to give them to him. Why? I have no idea. Because it was a new experience, and I've never done anything like that before. And although Keagan has seen every inch of me, this was still a leap. Luckily, one of my closest friends, who is an amazing photographer, took them, and the part of taking the photos wasn't embarrassing or completely filled with anxiety. But he was in complete awe when I gave it to him. SCORE.

I think that also boosted our relationship to another level of trust, and love, and I think that's what makes marriage so much fun. You can do that kind of stuff for each other, and constantly find new ways to make things fresh, and fun. That is what this resolution is about. Finding new ways to say "I love you" without actually saying it, and to be intimate with each other. Can't say I'll complain about this one ;)

5. TAKE MOMENTS IN.

This one is especially hard for me, and one that I have been diligently trying to do. I always feel so rushed, and out of sorts most days. So I've been trying to just stop, and take a look around at my life and breathe it all in. Life goes by so fast, and I've noticed it a lot more since having Ren. He will be 2 in February, and it freaks me out. I remember when I was still nursing him like it was yesterday, and now he can ask for his own drink, and even put his own clothes away. (Crying on the inside again.)

I also have had trouble with relaxing. There are moments when Keagan will sweetly ask me to snuggle with him, and I will, but all I do is start thinking about stupid things, like how is how messy the house is, or how I only have a certain amount of time to get things done while Ren is napping, and not appropriate things, like how good he smells or how comforting his heartbeat is. I wasn't IN the moment with him, and I've missed a lot of good conversations, and took away the moment to just feel loved because I was too busy to take it in.

6. GIVE MORE TIME.

Giving my time is also a hard one. With my busy mind, comes an anxiety that I don't have enough time to do everything I need. I become distracted, and don't get my undivided attention to Keagan's needs, or even my own. I forget some days to even brush my hair, so I've vowed to start taking better care of myself. I'm going to start drinking more water, and actually use my 7 Minute workout app. Make healthy homemade meals. Start reading my scriptures. Stop watching TV so much, and start reading. Become more creative. Start going above and beyond with helping others, and giving service. No more excuses. I'm just going to do it.

7. BUDGETING.

There really doesn't need an explanation for that right? I'm the worst with money. Keagan isn't. Luckily, we are balanced in that way. I've certainly gotten a lot better than in the first year we were married. Probably because the thought of taking Ren to the store by myself to go shopping for anything other than food makes me cringe. But we have decided to become better at budgeting, and sticking to it.

8. PRAY HARDER.

I know I personally get caught up in all of the worldly things going on in my life, and my spirituality gets put on the back burner. Which isn't right. To myself, or my family. I love the feeling my home has when we have been reading our scriptures, going to church, and praying. There's more warmth, and love. This year I want more love, and less contention. More praying, and less complaining. More serving, and less taking. Heavenly Father will become the center of our family.

You guys seriously all rock and are my fave, and I want to know all of YOUR resolutions, and vows. You can tell me them in the comments, or if you have a blog, link it up below so others, including me, can see it too!