loving.
/ this weather. It's laying on a blanket in the grass season
/ the springish summer rain. The grass is becoming greener, and the flowers are getting brighter
/ Renner being able to walk, and becoming more independent
/ mornings
/ being able to finally walk to the library
eating.
Rollo McFlurry
It's my new addiction - where have they been hiding?!
feeling.
/ inspired
/ loved
/ appreciated
watching.
House / Season 5 - I have never seen the last 3 seasons, eeeek
planning.
garage selling, and Farmers Market hunts this weekend
anticipating.
/ the birth of Rogue's kittens
(should be in a couple weeks!)
/ the opening of the splash parks
/ going on a date with this hot guy I know
learning.
/ that I can't control everything, nor how people feel
/ to let go
/ to be happy
wearing.
my favorite shirt I have ever owned from Forever 21
& yoga/legging pants from Pink
craving.
Frozen Green Tea from Tim Hortons
grateful.
/ the little things
/ shoulder & neck massages
/ rain
/ flowers
/ clean sheets
/ flats & flip flops
(trying to) become better at.
/ designing
/ scripture study
/ being more loving when I am feeling stressed
I know there are women out there, like me, who suffer through the same thing I am, and reading their stories makes me feel uplifted, and hopefully.
So, here is a little piece of my vulnerability given to you. This is a long post - you've been warned.
I've always struggled with being vulnerable. I have never liked the feelings it brings when I give someone a piece of me that is so delicate, that one wrong move could literally break me. It terrifies me. The only person I have truly been able to be vulnerable with, beside my family, has been Keagan. So here it goes yo.
I have Stage IV Endometriosis, and Pelvic Congestion Syndrome {PCS}, along with Graves Disease (but that's a different story entirely). I was diagnosed with "Endo" in high school, and as far as the PCS, who truly knows. I doubt doctors really even looked for it in the 10 surgeries I've had for it. Luckily, my amazing doctor, who delivered Renner, did. These diseases aren't life threatening. But can be horrifically damaging to your uterus, and surrounding parts. They are both extremely painful. And can cause infertility. In my case, the majority of pain is always on my right side. Has been since I got my period at 8 years old. Some days, I truly would give my right arm to go through labor, on repeat.
There are days where I literally just can't get out of bed. Where I can't even hold Renner in my arms for long periods of time; even having him sit on my lap at times is unbearable. I can't stand up in shower, some days. I have to sit on our bathroom sink to do my makeup. Keagan has to call into work for the third day in a row to help me; or will receive a stressful phone call in the middle of his busy day to come home, because I can't pick Ren up out of his crib. Our love life is complicated. Making dinners is sometimes far, and few between. The house is messy. Our room is in constant disarray with laundry. Every step I take on a walk is like a knife churning inside, and sending shock waves down my legs, and around my lower back. My body suffers from not being able to work out. My mind suffers. Everyone in our home suffers. It's a pain that travels through my lower back, into my lower abdomen, through my hips and inside my thighs. Sometimes even on the outside of my lady area. It's like a razor blade is making it's way through me. Crying makes it worse, but you have to have some way to release the tension that is wrecking your body. Heating pads + baths only help so much. And you can only take so many pain pills before your comatose. So what are you left with except self loathing that this is the body you were born into? What's left except the thoughts of taking your own life because what kind of life is this? They say, "Pregnancy is suppose to stop the pain".
It doesn't.
They say, "You're only suppose to have pain during your period".
You don't.
They say, "Take out your uterus because that will cure you."
It won't.
And you know what I say to all those myths?
GO. TO. H E L L.
I experienced my worst pains while pregnant + a week before my period.
I am in pain 24/7. And while pills give me relief, it doesn't take it away.
Oils help. Not eating certain foods help. Baths help. Heating pads help.
But it doesn't eliminate it.
But you know, with all of these shitty trials, never once has Keagan made me feel like inadequate wife, or mother, and has never made me feel unloved. And trust me I've felt like it plenty of times. I can't always protect my mind from unwanted thoughts. There have been many breakdowns in our home. I am definitely not the easiest patient, I'll admit. When I'm feeling insecure, I lash out because I don't feel safe inside my own body. I know that he would like to come home to a home cooked meal, and clean house every night. I know that I would love my house to stay organized for more than a day. I would love to be able to bathe Ren every night without struggling to bend over the bathtub. Or bend down to load + unload the dishwasher without my uterus feeling like its about to fall out or rip apart completely.
There are so many things I would love to be able to do, but can't. And some days, it weighs on me, and is hard to accept it. Having to rely on pain medicine to help me function is beyond frustrating, and emotionally difficult. But besides all of the negatives that are taking place inside my body + mind, there are so many positives to be joyous about. Like, that we were able to have Renner in the first place. And, although it is painful, I still have the ability to walk. I have my mind. I have my faith. I have the unconditional love and support from my husband, Heavenly Father, and family. I have been blessed in more way than I can count. And while I may not have complete control over this trial, but I do have control over how I handle it, and that truly makes the difference in my life.
I have my faith. I have my accountability. I have a crap load of love + charity in my heart. I have the ability see, and feel the beautiful things around me. Like this incredibly beautiful kid I popped out - even with all the shit my uterus goes through.
Are there days where my overthinking, and pain get the best of me? Absolutely. I wouldn't be human if I didn't. Some days it's hard to remember the good days, especially when I'm curled in a ball writhing in pain on the kitchen floor, with my face laying next to the crumbs from Ren's "cook cooks".
It pushes me to my limits, and at times makes me break. But that's why we call these things, trials. They are meant to push, and test us. I was told in the summer of 2011, that I had maybe a year left to get pregnant, because of how badly damaged my uterus was from endometrial scarring. And in 2012, I had an ER doctor tell me this straight to my face after hours of agonizing pain, and a questionable miscarriage, "I don't care if it's a cyst, endometriosis, or whatever - You. Will. Not. Get. Pregnant." And with that she threw up the peace sign, and walked out. Well, they obviously were wrong.
I've had so many doctors thinking I only wanted the drugs, or that I was a hypochondriac or even depressed, and my head was making up the pain. I've had plenty of doctors that have made me bawl my eyes out, or made me see the hospital psych because they thought my pain was "emotional related".
Sometimes, people can't understand, or empathize the pain you're going through because they can't see it. I've had only 1 doctor in my entire life, actually sit me down, and showed me nothing but love, and understanding. She never once made me feel crazy, or like I was some pill popping fiend. And I gotta say, it was probably the best feeling in the world to just be validated, and heard by a doctor.
I remember the first time I saw her I was 5 months pregnant with Renner. I was doing dishes late that night, and I had the worst pain rip through me and some blood pour out of me. We immediately went to the hospital terrified we were losing the baby. I told her my entire past, and she sat with me, and held my hand as I cried through the pain. She looked at me, and told me that the baby was fine, and it was just the scar tissue ripping around my uterus and just caused some trauma. But Ren was safe. She told me not to worry about anything because she was going to be my doctor for now on, and that she will be delivering my baby. The relief we felt was beyond anything we've ever experienced with this. Finally! SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD, and was hearing us out. Heavenly Father had answered our prayers.
Heavenly Father has been my light through all of this. He has answered many of my prayers. He helps me through the worst of my pain, and sometimes takes it away for brief moments. He is there for me, in a way that most can't be. Being vulnerable is a hard thing for me to do, but He knows me, and my heart. He sees the parts of me that I can't explain in words, or even thoughts.
Through these trials I have become more grateful, more loving, compassionate, and understanding toward others.
I am grateful for Him, and his unfailing grace surrounding me, and my family.
I am grateful that even through all of this I was able to carry, and bare a healthy child.
I am grateful for Keagan, and the love and support he surrounds me with. He has never belittled my pain, or my thoughts. Never casted me aside, or deemed me damaged. He has always been by my side, and has never let me feel less than. His love, and faith gives me more than enough strength.
I am grateful for the tiny fingers that move the hair out of my face so he can see me, and give me a big smile, and giggle. That right there will make any heart skip a beat, and find pure bliss in.
I am grateful to have a Mom, and had Dad who were so determined, and strong willed to never let the doctors, when I was younger, and now, to brush me aside, and call my pain a sign of depression, or made up. They never once doubted me, and never took no for an answer.
I am grateful for my entire league of a family. My blood, In-Laws, and the friends who are my family. Whose never ending love, compassion, meals on "those" nights, phone calls, watching Ren for a few hours, driving me to hospitals, giving me countless of boosts and inspirational talks and snuggles, help at church, bath mixtures made, slushies brought to me, and countless of other things, have all made the difference in my life, and has made it so beyond wonderful. You all are rockstars to me.
I am beyond grateful for all my Endo Sisters who understand and are also fighting their own battles with this painful disease. You are incredibly brave women and I love each and everyone of you. To those who have shared your stories with me, and have held me while I cried, you have made me stronger by sharing your love. You are my shining stars + heroes.
Vulnerability comes in all different ways. Mine is sharing my pains, letting people see it, and asking for help. Coming to terms with this disease that I have has helped me morph into a better person. And I hope that by sharing this piece with you, that it will help those who struggle to come to terms of their own vulnerabilities, and will give you the strength to express it.
Motherhood ; The highest and most holiest calling.
Being a mom is terrifying. It's hard, painful, and rewarding; exciting, gross {at times}, and sticky; exhausting, stressful, and wonderful. But most of all, it's beautiful.
I woke up at 3 this morning with thoughts bursting around my mind. At a few failed attempts to go back to sleep, I got up and decided to watch an episode, or four, of House (my favee). 6 AM rolled around, and I still wasn't tired. I heard Renner start to stir. {When he usually wakes up this early we give him a bottle of milk, and he goes back to sleep - monnayyy, what whaat.} Then I decided to go back to bed before Keagan had to get up for work in a half an hour to get some extra snuggles in.
As I laid there I kept thinking about what it was like before we had Renner. Being "newly" married was so much fun. We could hop in the car at anytime we wanted, and head to the gas station for some late night treats. Or go on a spontaneous trip to some crazy place, and not have to worry about packing a bunch of stuff. Just grab what we needed, then bounce.
Life was so much simpler then. We didn't over think everything. We never had to worry about "baby proofing". It didn't matter if we left our Dr. Pepper cans on our coffee table, or food (well, actually anything for that matter). But it was missing something.
It was missing the food on the ground. The midnight dashes in desperation hoping to find any open gas station, close to our house, to get a jug of milk. The christened 3 P's {pee, poo, puke} on every piece of furniture. The never ending squeal and laughter ringing through out our halls. The sense of love, and the Spirit so strongly felt. The crumbs all over our feet from his "cook cook's". The pots, pans, and tupperware spewed all over our kitchen. The little finger prints that cake our TV, and can't bare to wash off because we know one day they won't be there. The open mouth kisses. The playing chase around the house, and having him laugh hysterically. We were missing, him.
Sometimes, as mom's, we don't feel adequate, and equipped enough to handle certain situations that are placed in front of us. I know I do. I am terrified most of the time. But whenever I feel doubt, I kneel down, and I pray for strength. Almost immediately, I feel relief. I feel uplifted.
Having this little person always counting on you.
Always.. wanting and needing your attention, and for you to hold them.
Needing every spare second you have to throw a ball, back and forth.
Watching them take their first tentative steps toward you.
Having you sit in their room for half an hour, so they can show you
every single toy they have for the millionth time.
Saying their first words.
It's beautiful.
I am humbled, everyday. I am reminded that I am not here on this Earth for myself. I'm here to help grow, and strengthen my family. Being a mother has pushed me to look deep within myself, and find out who I truly am.
Renner, has rocked my view of the world. I never would have guessed that I would become a mom at 21. {Seriously, I would of laughed in your face if you told me that I would be a couple years ago.} It was an amazing surprise when we found out. 2 weeks prior I found out my Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer. He passed away 6 weeks after that, but he went knowing that his baby girl was going to be baring a new life. I knew with a surety that Heavenly Father wouldn't take my Dad, without giving me a boy in return. I just, knew. Now, along with some awesome traits of his, he also carries my dad's middle name.
{Renner Duane Paisley}
Every day there is a new found struggle in my days as a mom. But everyday is there is also magic to be found.
I am blessed to have a mom that shows me unconditional love, and support. She is my best friend, and my hero. I wouldn't be here without her. (Literally) She answers all of my frantic phone calls when I think Ren might be dying, and she always lovingly tells me, he will be fine. I am proud to say that some of her eccentric, and sometimes frazzled, personality is rubbing off on me. She is my number 1.
I am blessed to have an amazing mother-in-law, who raised Keagan to be such an amazing man. Who shared with him the Gospel. And showed him all the beautiful in this life, even with all the horrors he faced as a youth.
I am blessed to have the 2 most amazing sisters in my life; that always acted like they were my mom ;)
I am grateful for all of the women in my life, and those around me.
Now, I don't know if my body will be able to handle another pregnancy. We will try. But if it was only meant to be for one, I will gladly accept that. Heavenly Father allowed me to experience this beautiful moment. I have learned more about life, and love in the past 14 months, than in my entire 22 years on this Earth.
I am so proud, and honored to be able to have the title, Mom.
Happy Mothers Day, to all of you beautiful ladies.
