do you ever feel like you're doing everything wrong?

like everything you do is never right, or will get better?

it honestly is the worst feeling to me.

and, i feel that way the majority of the time as a mom. 

i never really pictured myself being a mom while I was growing up, much less being a good one.

and in a world where the outside image is worth more than the inside.. well, it’s hard to go through that world, and always try to measure up to your own view of what perfection is, much less every else's. 

i have this awful habit of concentrating on the bad things, and letting it go.

and it just builds. and builds. and builds. 

until well.. 

b o o m.

and that doesn’t help, or make anyone in our family happy. ever. 

especially, me. 

but being a mom is hard.

you know, i had this idea in my head that, yeah, it seems quite difficult, but you deal with the problems and move on.

but i never realize just how plain  a g o n i z i n g  it can be at times. 

and in the beginning it was fine. 

i loved having this perfect newborn in my arms.

then that newborn grew into a toddler. 

and that toddler grew into a two, almost three-ager, and somedays, well, I quite literally want to pull every single hair out, one at a time because that would be less painful than hearing him cry, scream, or whine just one more time.

somedays, I feel like this evil little gnome has crawled inside my perfect, precious boy.

no for reals. 

one minute, i'll be looking at his completely swoon-worthy chubby cheeked face, with his cute little teeth, perfect button nose, and the most beautiful caramelized eyes I have ever seen, and then the next minute all I see is this scary creature staring back at me.

shrieking like a little banshee because I didn’t get the cheese out fast enough.

or because he wanted to wear his slip on “piderman shoes” when there is 20 feet of snow outside.

or because I didn’t let him play “crossy road” on my phone.

and for that brief moment, I break. 

i tell myself.. 

I can’t do this. 

I can’t ever be alone. I can never seem to get enough sleep. My body hurts. My house is always a mess. My clothes are always covered in something. I can never talk on the phone without hearing screams, even though he was perfectly content playing by himself 2 seconds prior. I can’t eat alone. I can’t shower alone. I can’t read a book alone. I can’t go to the bathroom alone. I can’t just run into the thrift store, or Sephora for a few minutes without having to cater to a raging monster freaking out. I can’t stop stubbing my toes on his giant tractors or trucks..

and then everything goes quiet after shouting “ow” from hitting those freaking trucks for the millionth time.. 

then I hear his footsteps running up the stairs to me, yelling, 

“Oh no! You okay, Mom?! You okay?!”  

and my entire mind stops spinning. 

and I remember him running and jumping up on our bed while I'm trying to blog, and attempting to cover us up under the blankets saying, “Hide, Mom! Hide from Dad!"

i remember him grabbing his blankies, sippy, paci, + chase, to come and snuggle with me on the couch while I am reading.

i remember him hearing me tell Keagan I wanted a bagel, so he ran to the kitchen to bring me the entire bag of bagels + the strawberry cream cheese that I love from the fridge.

i remember him seeing Jennifer Lawrence on the TV, and him shouting, "MOM! You on the show!". (thats real love folks)

i remember him hugging me, and brushing my tears away, and saying, "It's okay, mom. It's okay" when I read a letter my dad had written me before he passed away.

i remember him always saying sorry to me whenever he bumped into me, or when i step / trip / fall on his stuff and hurt myself.

i remember him always wanting to help me stand up if I was having a hard day.

i remember the first time he said, “I love you, mama”.

i remember that creeper smile he does when he wants to make me laugh.

i remember him trying to sing me back to sleep one night he crawled into bed with us.

i remember that my life is damn good.

i remember that I made an amazing kid, with the most amazing man.

i remember that I love my boys.

and all of the hardships, the guilt, the pain, the sadness, the anger, the self-pity just melts away.

i might get things wrong somedays, but the one thing i know i did right, was becoming a wife, and mom.

being a mom is hard. 

but i wouldn’t give it up for  a n y t h i n g.

the four year proposal

four years ago today Keagan proposed to me.
..welll.. four years ago yesterday. meh. same dif.

It was a beautiful day.

We had been planning a mock photoshoot for a while with our good friend, Jane. She was just starting her photography bidness up, and she needed to "build her portfolio" / that's what I was told.

The day before the photoshoot I stayed up reallyy late with one of my best girls, Abbi. It was a movie date night, with LOTS of junk food. But I had the absolute worst time falling asleep, so at about 11 PM I decided to take a sleeping pill.

WORST. DECISION. EVER.

I woke up feeling horrible. I wanted nothing to do with this photoshoot. But I got up and got all ready anyways. By the time Keagan arrived at my house to pick me up, I was laying on the couch asking him if we can cancel.

HA. you silly girl, you.

Keagan and my sister, Steph, both were like,
"oh you'll feel better once you start moving!" / "drink some water, and eat something." / "if you can't do it once you're actually there, then you can leave."

Steph was practically pushing me out the door with my ice water. 

I bucked up, and went.
thankfully.

Steph runs outside while we were getting in the car to give me her camera. 
"Incase you want to film the photoshoot? Or something.."  
"uhh, k?"

She's not that very subtle guys. Let's give her a break.

Once in the car, I noticed that he had sweetly gotten me some Timmy's. aka. Tim Hortons.
The true way to this girls heart.

We start driving, and I'm trying to figure out where we were going. All I knew was that it was a beautiful location, and quote, "I was gonna freak." So me, being me, bugged him the entire way there. He didn't cave. He never does. 

We park, meet up with Jane and her buddy Ben, and start walking.
I can hear this roar over our voices, and I start to get excited because now I know.

It was a waterfall. My favorite places to be in the world are around waterfalls. And he remembered. Timmy's + a waterfall location. Boy was winning some points. 

We did a few romantic shots around the waterfall, and explored around a bit.

Then about 5 minutes later Jane hands Keagan this dandelion, and I say, 
"Keags! You should get down on one knee and fake propose to me!"

hey, I know what you're thinking. But we had talked about marriage and everything. 

so to me this wasn't going to happen for a bit. and I am a bit naive. same dif.

He of course then looks at Jane, and Ben, and they all laugh. 
they were in on the plan. they ain't dumb. 

So, Keagan gets down on one knee, and I fake surprise. 
The rest. Is in the video.

When you come into the video, you see me slow clapping.
He had just pulled out a Ring Pop bag. 
I had told him once before, "if you propose to me with a ring pop. it's a done deal sweetheart."

Hence the laughing. + slow clapping. 

 

He surprises me still everyday.

& everyday with him gets a little more sweeter.

I called my Mom on the way to our celebratory breakfast at Cora's. 

Apparently, Keagan had already called to talk to both of them. 

My Dad gave Keagan the sweetest advice, and acceptance talk. 

  

 

"I can't believe how well you fit so easily, and perfectly into our family. I know you will take care of her, and that you love her with all your heart. She's my baby girl, and now I'm handing her over to you. It would be my pleasure for you to marry her."

Those sweet words mean more to me now.

My dad knew. 

Six weeks later we were married.

He is, and always will be my flavorist. 

happy four year proposal, love.

or something. i don't know. 

*insert sassy girl emoticon.

currently

reading /    a house in the sky - amanda lindhout & sara corbett - go to your library and get this right meow. SO GOOD.



yearning for /   pumpkins. the leaves to change colors. fall clothes.



loving /   my jaclyn hill x becca cosmetics highlighter. holy crap guys. i'll just say it for you.
#HIGHLIGHTONFLEEEEEK  seriously. go get it now before its gone. 



craving /   this oh so beautiful, and most perfect top that was destined to be in my life from ilycouture. 



watching /   witches of east end - even tho its cancelled i'll never let it go.  once upon a time.  community.



wearing /  this shirt from joe fresh + PINK leggings + amazingly comfy chunky knit cardi from anthro - similar here



feeling /   over the awful sickness that everyone in this house has.



depressed /   ren can now climb in and out of his crib. its a beautiful, but sad thing. beautiful because i don't wake up to his screeching anymore. he just comes into our room and gives me a good morning kiss + snuggle. depressing because he's not a baby anymore! (ugly crying happening rn)



happy /   for the small things in life.



obsessed /   kat von d's lovecraft lipstick. rainy + fall season. honey vanilla chamomille tea. homemade mac + cheese. (recipe coming asap). dried flowers. 



needing /    sleeeeeeeep. mama ain't had none in the past week in a bit. it's driving me a bit cray. thank the heavens for melatonin. 

HOW TO | catch some fruit flies

If you are a fruit fly advocate, please turn away. This post ain't for you.
If you are dying to rid yourself of these awful creatures from invading your home.. Continue on my good friend.



Can I please get an amen of how S I C K & tired you are of these freaking fruit flies?!

I mean, the other day I sucked one up through my nose! And about destroyed our kitchen with how many there were.

UGH.

Here's my problem. Ren loves bananas, and peaches, and nectarines, and every other fruit that carries and attracts the flies. I almost don't even want to buy them anymore because of the crazy storm of little blackish flies that engulf my entire kitchen and dining room!

Drives. Me. Cray.

It's like I don't even want to cook dinner because of how many there were.
{Good excuse to not cook though, right? ;) Keagan didn't fall for it though.. ):}

So, one day I was complaining to my Mama about them, and asked how she battled against the swarm.

Then she tells me, "Well, I use Apple Cider Vinegar."
Come again for Big Fudge?

a p p l e  c i d e r  v i n e g a r

K. So, you mean to tell me that the thing that she has been attempting to shove down my throat, FOR YEARS, was the cure for getting rid of these annoyances! ..and lots of other things apparently. 

Then she continues..

"You pour some apple cider vinegar in a small cup or container, and rub a dash of soap on your finger, and run it through the vinegar."

Turns out that the vinegar smells like fruit that is decaying, and the soap is so sticky it captures them, and sends them to their watery grave. Literally.

Genius that woman is.

Why was I such a brat in high school and not listen to her more?

#thestruggleisreal

So anyways, down below you'll see a step by step on how to rid yourself of such beasts. And a look "into" the one I am replacing. It is amazing how well this trap works! And the best part is that there are no harsh chemicals, and its all homemade! BOOM. 

Beware. You may gag at the sheer amount you will catch.

You don't want to fill it up so high, but that exactly too low either. So fill it right in the middle.
(Make the proper adjustments to the type of glass you're using as well. I'm using an old Ikea candle holder. I'm a glass horder. It's a sickness. #monkeycoveringeyesemojiinsertedhere)

When I say a "drop" of soap, I literally mean for it to cover the entire tip of your finger. You don't really want to rub it around with your thumb. Just pour it on your finger, than immediately dunk it into the glass and rub it around in the vinegar, and also, around the sides of the glass.

Look, I was being straight up ghetto when I made this because I had no plastic wrap. So I just ripped a side off a Ziplock baggie, and that did the job perfectly.

You can use whatever you like to poke the holes with. I used a small knife. You just want to be able to poke holes big enough for them to fly into, but not fly out. Got it?

This is my favorite step because you are done, and you can just watch them all gather to the edge of the hole, and then finally take the plunge!

This was my 2nd one, and it was finally just finishing up. 

My first one was deeeee-sgus-ting.

And there you have it! A fool proof, no more fruit fly flyin' zone! And I don't have to worry about sucking them up through my nose anymore!


You can place your "Fruit Fly Death Trap" anywhere you'd like. I placed mine where I know they are the most prominent. But I've put them on my counter top, on the top of my fridge, etc. Where ever you're wanting it to be, place it there my friend!

Happy Hunting, y'all!

Notes

It does smell super strong the first day or so. Just know that. But it fades away. Or you just get use to it. Either or.

Mine usually lasts about a week or two. Just depends on how many you've caught, or how the soap mixture looks like. If it's super cloudy, or the soap has created huge blobs (and it's been a week), change it! But you can decide for yourself on when you think it's right.

.. I usually forget about it, and change it every week and a half to two weeks. But if your fruit fly problem is SUPER bad, then make two! Or three. I ain't judging.