When we found out that I was pregnant I was terrified.
I had been through three miscarriages last year, and I was done.
I had given up, and felt so broken.
I felt a pain deep within my soul that I felt couldn't be healed.
I figured the endometriosis had done it's damage, and taken my ability to carry another baby.
And by doctors evaluations, I probably wouldn't be able to carry another.
So when we started trying last year, we were going off faith + hope.
But after the last miscarriage, I felt my body was rejecting me.
I felt that I was being punished.
I was at my absolute lowest.
Then one day, I just stopped.
I stopped feeling guilty.
I stopped hating my body for how it was created.
I stopped tormenting myself for having these feelings.
And I started loving myself.
I started focusing on the things I could control, and let go of what I couldn't.
I started feeling more grateful for the life I have, and the people I have in it.
Especially for the beautiful child we had already created.
Then one night, a few months after the last miscarriage, I started feeling sickish.
I had an inkling that I might be pregnant, but I was too scared to really test it.
But Keagan so cutely had snuck to the store to get me medicine + treats.
And also, a pregnancy test.
He told me to just test, and see, and whatever happened, we would go through it together.
So I went into the bathroom, and sat on the floor while waiting for the results.
Keagan quietly crept in and sat beside me, and grabbed the test off the counter.
He handed it to me without looking, and told me to tell him what it said.
The test was positive.
We bursted into tears, and just held onto each other on the floor of the bathroom.
It was such a beautiful sight. But also a terrifying one.
Would this baby make it? Would my body be strong + healthy enough to hold onto it?
And after we reached the 16 week mark, we finally started to let go of the fears.
At 32 weeks, we decided to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.
We asked Renner in the beginning if he thought he was going to have a brother or sister.
He immediately said, "s i s t e r".
I should also point out that at ultrasound sesh, my mom +ren
both shouted they were right after we found out we were having a girl.
But to be honest, I was terrified when we found out that I was pregnant with a girl.
I always just figured I would be a mama to boys.
I had this idea in my head that I would be an awesome mom to boys, and a crappy one to girls.
It's a stupid thing, I know.
But as soon as that baby girl was placed into my arms, every single worry vanished.
I started going into labor on her actual due date, July 21, but she popped out a few days later.
I mean, she is my daughter. Gotta make an entrance when
she's ready. Not when everyone else is.
It was a bit different this time around.
With Ren I was induced.
It was hard + fast.
But with Luna Jo it slowly progressed + wasn't unbearable in the beginning.
Labor started around Friday night. Small contractions with the bloody show.
Nothing super intense. But Saturday is when it started getting rougher.
My doctor was on vacation until Sunday, so I wanted to try and push it until then, but not
really knowing anything about what happens when going into labor naturally I got a bit worried.
So we packed a couple bags, and Keagan + I went to Labor + Delivery while my Mama stayed home
with Ren Ren and played.
The nurses in L&D are always amazing at the hospital we delivered in.
We were so lucky with the nurses we got with Ren, and I was praying we got amazing ones
with Luna Jo as well. We weren't disappointed. Unfortunately, the doctor we got on call
wasn't the greatest. He works at the same clinic as my doctor, so I knew of him, and was
super sad when I learned he was the one there that day. He came in and was abrupt, and not
very kind. He learned of my medical history, and ridiculed me for being on pain medication
for my endo during pregnancy, and then said I wasn't in actual labor and to go home.
g r e e e e a t.
So that night I slept on our recliner and watched Bones + How I Met Your Mother all night,
while struggling with contractions getting more intense by the minute.
At 11AM that next Sunday morning, I told Keagan + my Mama that we needed
to go to the ER because I was in labor.
Luckily we were still all packed up from yesterday,
so we through everything back into the car, and took off.
We literally live like 2 blocks away from the hospital so my mom
dropped us off, and told us that when it was time to start pushing
to call her and she'll come back.
Once we got up into L&D we found out that my doctor was on call,
and I almost started crying on the spot.
I felt like the stars were aligning.
My mom had to go home on Wednesday morning.
So when I went into labor only a couple days after her original due date,
I was so freaking happy. Heavenly Father had heard my prayers, and pleads.
We were a little worried that Luna-Jo's due date might be in August just because
she was measuring so small. But dis mama knew.
Mostly because she was an anniversary baby. So like I said. Mama knew.
So finally, they got me dressed in the glorious hospital gown,
and got me in the bed with those cozy warm hospital blankets.
When my doctor finally came in to see me we found out that I was just
over 4 1/2 CM dilated, and they weren't going to send me home.
They talked me into going into the shower, and I literally stayed there for over
half an hour with Keags spraying the hot water onto my back. It was amazing.
Bless his sexy, beautiful, perfect soul.
Then I sat on the bouncy ball and bounced while he read me
funny stories + put on Community for me.
And after I couldn't take the bouncing anymore, we decided to go walking around
the L&D Ward + heard all those beautiful screams from other mama's in labor.
I couldn't handle the back pain anymore after about 45 minutes of walking around.
I complained to the nurse, and sure enough, we found out that Luna was sunny side up.
Her knees + legs were against my stomach wall, instead of her back.
And the back pain was getting more and more intense with each contraction.
About a couple hours later, my doctor came back in and checked me.
I was at about 5 1/2 CM, and was struggling with the contractions.
At about 2 PM we decided to break my water and get things moving.
This time was a lot more painful than when she broke water with Ren.
Then tears started flowing and my teeth were clinched + then came the
overwhelming tightening of my stomach.
+ now enter in stage two of labor
And a whole lot of freaking laughing gas.
Contractions started coming harder and faster.
They felt different from my first labor process.
Ren's contractions felt unnatural, + harsh from the induction.
Luna's felt deeper, + uninhibited from coming on naturally.
I wanted to try and do this without an epidural this time around.
I watched Community, and laughed through the pain + tears with Keags holding my
hand through every contraction.
I breathed deeper than I ever had in my entire life.
That laughing gas was a saving grace during those unbearable moments.
Then finally at about 6 CM I reached my breaking point.
I told Keagan after a really hard contraction,
"You know what. Screw this. I'm in pain every single day of my life.
And I want to remember my babies births pain free."
About a half an hour later, and the anesnteiologist came and gave me the run down.
Told him I knew the risks, and to strap me the hell up.
From there it was similar to Renner's birth.
Numbness from the mid-abdomen down.
But I could feel the pressure this time telling me when I was having a contraction.
For that I was grateful.
And I slept for an hour to gain my strength for the pushing.
I still couldn't move my legs - just like with Ren's birth.
So when they tried to get her to rotate, and to see if she would move from her
posterior position, the nurse + keagan had to physically lift my legs and turn my hips
to get me to have this peanut shaped balloon between my legs for an hour.
It was f a n t a s t i c.
She never moved.
sarcasm at its finest
Then finally, I started to feel it.
That pressure on the lower half of my body telling me to push.
I looked to Keagan and told him to tell my Mom to get here.
NOW.
The nurse came in to check, and sure enough, I was at 10 CM ready to start pushing.
I told Keagan to text my Mom to
hurry.
She had to be there for the birth of this babe.
My last babe.
My rainbow babe.
My doctor came in, and sat down to check everything.
She knew how important it was for my mom to be there, and was so unbelievably sweet about it.
Have I mentioned how much I love my doctor?
Because she is an amazing woman.
She said to give a push to see how things progress, and sure enough, Luna's head was right there.
My doctor was so kind about it though.
She told me that we could spread out the pushes since I wasn't in pain,
and she wasn't in any distress.
I pushed a total of five times in 15 minutes.
And on the 6th push, my mom burst through the door, and in that same moment, Luna-Jo was born.
The saying "
perfect timing" was the epitome of this moment.
Six beautiful, peaceful pushes, and my precious baby girl was brought into this world.
They placed her on my chest.
And the entire world just stopped.
I no longer focused on the doctors finishing the delivery + taking my placenta out.
Or on the countless nurses checking on me + asking me a million questions.
Or my beautiful mama talking a million photos.
All I saw was h e r.
She became my rainbow that burst through the dark skies.
And every single worry or terrified feeling of
having a daughter was washed away.
I felt brave, and empowered.
I felt honored to have been given this
moment to raise this perfect creature.
I just felt complete peace.
When the nurse placed Luna on my chest, and was giving her a little look over,
I heard her say,
"I think this baby was born with teeth!"
That was definitely an unexpected surprise.
But she totally did discovered that she was born with two tiny teeth on her bottom gums.
I laughed, and said,
"No haha. No, she doesn't. No way."
But she did indeed have teeth.
Which made nursing difficult.
She wanted to nurse so bad, and had an amazing latch.
But she would bite + bite, and then finally my milk would let down.
And then my tears would start flowing because of the pain.
The next day my Mama brought in Renner to come to meet her.
He had been so unbelievably excited to meet his baby sister.
But when it came time to actually meeting her, he was super hesitant.
My mom asked him if he was afraid of her, and he whispered,
"No. I'm just afraid I'm going to hurt her."
Ren meeting Luna was honestly was the sweetest thing I've ever experienced.
And one that will forever be engrained in my heart + mind.
I've never seen him more reverent.
And once he finally held her, it was like he was experiencing what I had the first time I held her.
His world stopped, and all he could see was her.
He fell in complete love with her.
She was born on Sunday night, and we were finally released on Wednesday morning.
And while her birthing process might have been a lot easier than Renner's was.
The after portion at the hospital was rough. It was a long, emotional stay.
One that was filled with a lot of guilt + pain.
They were keeping a close eye on her to make sure she was doing okay, and not withdrawing
from the medication I had to take while I was pregnant with her.
She was perfectly healthy + was totally fine. I was super emotional, and upset with her
pediatrician because he was making me feel like I was a lesser person for needing the pain
medication while pregnant. But I calmly explained how it was either that,
or hospitalization for the last trimester - like it was with Renner.
I found my doctor while trying to talk to one of the nurses and bawled my eyes out to her.
Told her everything that had been happening, and how some of the nurses
and the pediatrician weren't the kindest to me.
And to say she raged against them all is putting it lightly.
She demanded we be released immediately.
She has been in my life since Ren was born,
and knows my painful journey with e n d o.
My story about how she has helped me,
and loved me through all the crap end has to offer,
and helped deliver Ren Ren h e r e.
I don't know why I was so scared of raising a daughter.
Maybe it was fear that I would screw her up.
Fear I couldn't protect her from the dark things in this world.
Fear karma would come back and bite me in the ass.
Fear she would go through the things I did.
But then I realized everything I went through made me who I am today.
And dammit, I actually like who I am now.
Regardless of what happens in her life, I've made it my goal to help her love herself,
no matter what.
My mom was an amazing mama to me.
Plus I was even more blessed to have my sister + sister in law raising, + guiding me along with her.
And if I am even half the woman that those three are, I think I'll these kids I got will be aight.
