mommy monster / round one

a letter to my future self.

(or myself in 5 minutes)

Hey Mama.

Yeah, I see you over there.

Biting your nails. Clinching your jaw. Eyes closed. Rubbing your temples. Trying to take deep, calming breaths. Most likely with a pounding headache.. I see you desperately searching for some sort of escape or relief from all this built up tension, and anger rampaging throughout your body, before it ends in a raging fit of tears, screams, and uncontrolled gasps of air. Maybe, a foot stomp in there somewhere. Hmmm.. that might just be me? Right before she rears her ugly, haggard face back to strike, and all hell breaks loose.

Never do we take pride in those moments. But I'm here to tell you that those feelings you are having WILL pass. You are okay. You are not broken. You are not alone in this world. Don't forget that. Ever.

Do you remember what it was like when you first held them? The serenity of it all just washing over you. The feeling of the first time they latched on, and the overwhelming love you felt toward this sweet, innocent creature. The feeling of them grabbing your fingers. The smell of their newborn freshness. Just the all encompassing love that was filling you to capacity, and you didn't think you'd be able to handle it anymore.. But then they'd open their eyes, and look at you. Remember, when they started to really recognize you? They knew that you were theirs. They knew that you loved them. They knew that you were their mama. Remember, when you would just lay in bed with them all day, just staring at them, nursing, without a care in the world? Remember, their first smile? Or when they didn't really know how to sneeze in those first few weeks, and they would make the cutest sound ever? Remember, when they first learned to sit up on their own? Remember their first real laugh? Remember those first tentative steps that your breath away? Remember when they first said "mama"?

Well, keep remembering these.
Hold them tight.
Wrap them up in a pretty little ball of lace,
and tuck them in your pocket.
Because you're gonna need it.

When they are throwing himself on the floor in a fit of rage with tears streaming down their face with a cry that could wake the dead, because they can't throw the remote at your kneecaps anymore. When they just smacked you upside the head with their truck because you took away that damn marker. When they bit you because they got overly filled with emotions. When they are rolling, bashing, slashing, screaming away to get out of a diaper change. When they attempted to escape your clutches by jumping out of the cart in the middle of Target because you didn't open that box of "fishies" fast enough, and are now getting weird looks from non-parent's because "you didn't pay for that yet"...

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

But before you hit that breaking point, take a deep breath, and remember that they are innocent. You may feel alienated from them... a lot. They may feel like a stranger at times. Or like they are a spawn of a nether creature.. But they aren't. Their yours.

Your perfect little 18 month old who waves his arms so fast, with his giant toothy grin while shrieking whenever he sees an animal within 30 feet. Who wants every single one of his stuffies inside his crib right when he wakes up, so he can lay there for 20 minutes talking to each of them. Who loves giving open mouth kisses. Who attempts to share his paci, and blankie with strangers who he deems worthy. Who can chuck a softball, one handed, clear across the yard. Who whenever sees a delicious snack, exclaims "TREAT?" in the cutest little voice. Who loves to snuggle up to you when watching his favorite movie. Who hides whatever he can find in the bed of his truck. Who is completely fearless.

They. Are. YOURS. 

They needs your love. Your guidance. Your support. & never ending compassion, and patience. They have had barely over a year to come to grips with their emotions - you've had __ years (22 years in my case) to perfect yours. You both are learning, and growing together. Love them fully, and relentlessly.

And PLEASE - FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY - spare yourself the guilt for forgetting it. You get enough of it from your own mother. (Just kidding mom... kinda ;)

We all have those moments. And regardless of them, our kiddos still think we're pretty freaking cool.

Because guess what?
We are.

xoxo/

The Now-Tamed Mommy Monster