a letter to my future self.

(or myself in 5 minutes)

Hey Mama.

Yeah, I see you over there.

Biting your nails. Clinching your jaw. Eyes closed. Rubbing your temples. Trying to take deep, calming breaths. Most likely with a pounding headache.. I see you desperately searching for some sort of escape or relief from all this built up tension, and anger rampaging throughout your body, before it ends in a raging fit of tears, screams, and uncontrolled gasps of air. Maybe, a foot stomp in there somewhere. Hmmm.. that might just be me? Right before she rears her ugly, haggard face back to strike, and all hell breaks loose.

Never do we take pride in those moments. But I'm here to tell you that those feelings you are having WILL pass. You are okay. You are not broken. You are not alone in this world. Don't forget that. Ever.

Do you remember what it was like when you first held them? The serenity of it all just washing over you. The feeling of the first time they latched on, and the overwhelming love you felt toward this sweet, innocent creature. The feeling of them grabbing your fingers. The smell of their newborn freshness. Just the all encompassing love that was filling you to capacity, and you didn't think you'd be able to handle it anymore.. But then they'd open their eyes, and look at you. Remember, when they started to really recognize you? They knew that you were theirs. They knew that you loved them. They knew that you were their mama. Remember, when you would just lay in bed with them all day, just staring at them, nursing, without a care in the world? Remember, their first smile? Or when they didn't really know how to sneeze in those first few weeks, and they would make the cutest sound ever? Remember, when they first learned to sit up on their own? Remember their first real laugh? Remember those first tentative steps that your breath away? Remember when they first said "mama"?

Well, keep remembering these.
Hold them tight.
Wrap them up in a pretty little ball of lace,
and tuck them in your pocket.
Because you're gonna need it.

When they are throwing himself on the floor in a fit of rage with tears streaming down their face with a cry that could wake the dead, because they can't throw the remote at your kneecaps anymore. When they just smacked you upside the head with their truck because you took away that damn marker. When they bit you because they got overly filled with emotions. When they are rolling, bashing, slashing, screaming away to get out of a diaper change. When they attempted to escape your clutches by jumping out of the cart in the middle of Target because you didn't open that box of "fishies" fast enough, and are now getting weird looks from non-parent's because "you didn't pay for that yet"...

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

But before you hit that breaking point, take a deep breath, and remember that they are innocent. You may feel alienated from them... a lot. They may feel like a stranger at times. Or like they are a spawn of a nether creature.. But they aren't. Their yours.

Your perfect little 18 month old who waves his arms so fast, with his giant toothy grin while shrieking whenever he sees an animal within 30 feet. Who wants every single one of his stuffies inside his crib right when he wakes up, so he can lay there for 20 minutes talking to each of them. Who loves giving open mouth kisses. Who attempts to share his paci, and blankie with strangers who he deems worthy. Who can chuck a softball, one handed, clear across the yard. Who whenever sees a delicious snack, exclaims "TREAT?" in the cutest little voice. Who loves to snuggle up to you when watching his favorite movie. Who hides whatever he can find in the bed of his truck. Who is completely fearless.

They. Are. YOURS. 

They needs your love. Your guidance. Your support. & never ending compassion, and patience. They have had barely over a year to come to grips with their emotions - you've had __ years (22 years in my case) to perfect yours. You both are learning, and growing together. Love them fully, and relentlessly.

And PLEASE - FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY - spare yourself the guilt for forgetting it. You get enough of it from your own mother. (Just kidding mom... kinda ;)

We all have those moments. And regardless of them, our kiddos still think we're pretty freaking cool.

Because guess what?
We are.

xoxo/

The Now-Tamed Mommy Monster

To The Boy Who Was Framed.

I don't know about you, but I have these moments where I literally can't stop myself from complaining, or whining. I feel like I've reverted to my 4 year old self throwing a tantrum, and holding my breath till I get what I want (cause I did that). My inner self is stomping her foot, and pouting in a corner feeling like no one cares about her, and her problems should be EVERYONE'S problems. Why doesn't anyone care? Why can't anyone see what I'm going through? Blah, blah, blah.. Am I right? I go through these "moments" a few times every few months. I'm a complainer. I like Keagan knowing when I'm cold, or hungry. Like I'm not a semi-grown woman who can't pull the blanket over herself, or go make a sammich by myself.   

#thestruggleisreal

But what started my recent down spiral into Kayla's World, was when I dropped my phone in my Ichiban (It's the better version of Top Ramen for my American homies). I was an idiot. I was Facetiming my Mom, and had strategically placed my phone in the little indent of our cupboards where she and I could see each other perfectly while I mixed up the food. Keagan has scolded me several times not to do this because "it could land in water" or "it will crack the screen" if it falls. Well, my inner self knows better, and KNOWS that I have the quicker draw. AND there ain't no way I will let that happen. So me and my "know it all" self continue on our way to making lunch for the screaming kid, and talking to my Mom about said screaming kid. Then out of no where, an out of control monster truck slams into my knee. I yelp, and hit the cupboard for support, and... PLOP. "Idiot" is what I hear in my head. I reach into the scalding, fresh off the stove, pot and grab my phone in utter desperation, as I hear my Mom's gurgled laugh in the background. She knew. I cried inside, and kicked myself. WHY?

As I dried it off, and threw it into the half cup of rice we had left, I devised a plan. Keagan could NEVER know what actually happened. Fool would never let me live it down. I looked at Ren, and his innocent face. He didn't know what just happened. He just wanted to share his monster truck with my knee. What did he know? Except that Mom was upset about something, and all he wanted was food.. Perfect. He has been known to hide our phones, or try to go "swimming" with them, so, why not? I proceeded to tell everyone that he had casually dropped my beautiful iPhone 5 in a half full glass of water, and I asked, what do I do? Looking back on it, had I said it wasn't actually water, but water filled with delicious noodles, and a beef seasoning packet, it might have given me more options. Water is so much simpler to clean up. Water filled with beef seasoning.. Not so much.

I left it in the rice for about 4 hours. Seemed like a reasonable amount of time. Turned it on, and the speakers were working again! Word. So I called my best friend Tayler, and chatted for a bit. I told her the real story. She's a good secret keeper, but she said that I am the worst, and will eventually break and tell Keagan. I know, I know. But for now...

Then my phone was almost out of juice, pun not intended, and I plugged it in, and got...

"This device does not recognized this.." 

Whaaaa? I unplugged it. Re-plugged it back in. Same thing.
Well, hell. So, my phone died, and wouldn't charge. At all. FREAK. I get on my computer, and write hastily to Keagan telling him what happened. He says the normal stuff, "you shouldn't of turned it back on" / "put it back in the rice".. Okay, fine.

We leave it there for a few days. We had his best friend over visiting us, and they both confirmed that I will need my charging port replaced. Crap.. Then I finally break. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I say to Keagan casually, "Soo... do you want to know the real story of what happened?"

He looks at me, with that look. "I knew it. Yes, Kayla. What happened?"

Okay, first off, "you knew"? I covered my tracks perfectly. Boy you didn't know nothin'. Then I proceeded to tell him, but not before saying to him,

"DON'T say "I told you so", okay? Because I already know. Just listen."

Not even before I got through the..
"Well, I was FaceTiming my Mom, and put it on the cupboards..",  he quickly shouted, "I TOLD YOU SO."
Of course. And he did.

With that I have been pouting. Pouting about my stupid mistake. Pouting because I have to use my ancient HTC phone for all of my music, Instagraming, Facebooking, etc.. Pouting because I want to take good pictures again. It sucks. But its a trivial thing to be so grumpy about. I'm more bummed because I see Ren doing all of these cute things, and I want to document them. Guess this is a first hand lesson in enjoying the moments, and living in them.

What have I learned from this?
1. Be quicker on the draw
2. Never place any form of liquids under my electronic devices
3. Pick a better fall guy, and never admit to anything

So, here is to my poor innocent phone, and the boy who was framed. Now, I will start learning to live without being so attached to one device, and be more attached to my own living creation.