NO. 

its happening again. 

i can’t breathe.

i can’t think. 

all I feel is the pain. 

i was fine a second ago. 

i was laughing for hells sake. 

keags just told me the funniest joke while I

was just going to get water. 

+ it hit me. 

why is does this keep happening? 

i can’t move. 

i’m hunched over, holding onto the counter

trying to stay calm so I don’t push it over the 

edge, but also trying to not alert everyone in 

the living room what’s happening.

the razors are invisible but they’re there. 

the agonizing weight + pressure is invisible, 

but it’s there. 

threatening to press me down further into the 

rabbit hole of darkness + pain. 

why is this my life? 

my breathing is becoming labored + keagan 

just asked me a question. 

“I’m fine” I want to say but I can’t. 

if I break concentration I’ll break. 

the pain will flood in even more + I’ll drop the 

last of my reserve. the last of my will power to 

not succumb to it. 

I hear his footsteps now. 

+ my anxiety rises. 

why does this always happen when I was FINE A SECOND AGO? 

“baby, are you okay?” 

“I’m fine” I want to say but it comes out as a huff

he sees my fingers gripping the counter

for support. 

“let’s get you to the couch” 

he’s trying to lift me. 

“STOP” I finally say. 

“I can’t.. I can’t move. I need a minute.” 

“okay.. it’s okay baby. just breathe.” 

he’s running his fingers along my back.

whispering encouraging words to me.

but I can’t hear them. 

the worst passes for a short window + I 

squeeze his hand letting him know I’m okay to 

be moved now. 

he lifts me up + I scream. 

i’m holding him for support as he carefully 

leads me to the couch. 

why won’t this stop? 

I’m sobbing now. 

+ collapse onto the couch. 

“it’s okay, baby. take this.” 

he hands me medicine + water. 

why am I like this? 

I can’t do this for the next 40 years. 

ren comes out of his room + sees me crying. 

“mom, are you hurting? can I help?” 

why are my children so unlucky to have a mother who is broken? 

“I’m okay baby. go back + play.” 

I give him a weak smile beneath my tears. 

he walks over, slowly sits on the couch +

puts his head on my legs. 

“I love you mom. it’s going to be okay. just deep breaths.” 

I look at keags. 

he smiles at me + rubs the hair out of my face. 

he mouths, “I love you” 

why am I so freaking blessed to be able to be in this family? 

this story is a normal part of our day. 

somedays I can go without falling. 

somedays I have to crawl to get luna out of her crib. 

somedays I am able to dance, sing + play. 

somedays I am sobbing into my pillow wanting 

to die. 

endometriosis affects 1 in 10 women. 

it is insane to me that the average age of getting diagnosed is 27 years old.

i first started experiencing symptoms at the age of 12.

i was diagnosed at the age of 16 with stage four endo.

you are not crazy.

you are not invisible.

you are a beautiful, and do not deserve this.

but you are strong, and a badass.

you are loved. 

and you are NOT your pain.

never stop fighting.

even through the pain - we are WARRIORS.

never forget that. even through the flare ups + tears.

RICE KRISPS WITH A TWIST

so, you need to make some cute dessert for your party, kids classroom, church activity, etc.
and you are running out of time !
(like i was when i remember literally the day before i had to make something for ren's class haha)

i honestly surprised myself with how these turned out.
and they are oh so cute + fancy that where ever you bring them people will be in awe of your talents.

and even if you have zero cooking or baking talents, like me, you'll be saying:

"yeah girl. you done did THAT."

so here is a little pictorial of how i made this.
y'all welcome.

THINGS YOU WILL NEED:

rice krispies

m+m's - we used regular sized, but mini ones would be perfect too

popsicle sticks

white chocolate chips - the whole bag

optional: sprinkles in whatever shape - i chose stars

now, you can either buy the rice krispies that are pre-packaged.

it can make it a lot faster, and less mess.

or you can do it like we did and turn it into a cute lil date night and made our own.

extra lil marshmallows of course!

if you do make them by scratch, just use the recipe that is on the box!

if you end up making them, you'll want to put them in a square pan, and 

after they've cooled just cut them into squares.

i didn't have a fully square pan so i ended up having to smoosh some together to make the

ends squared off to be able to go on the popsicle stick.

after they're cut up, grab your popsicle sticks and GENTLY pop them in.

like so.

you'll want to lay out some parchment paper for when you dip them into the chocolate.

so you can just spread them all out on that.

next! dump the entire bag of white chocolate chips (or whatever kind of chocolate you want)

in a saucepan, and make sure it's on a low heat + stir often so it doesn't burn.

i just used walmart brand white chocolate chips and those worked amazingly.

then you'll want to put the rice krispies into the pot, and cover it half way in chocolate.

if you get an excessive amount of chocolate on it, just let it drip off.

then just lay on the parchment paper!

(we put relocated the parchment paper from the counter to a cookie sheet)

 once they are semi-dried, you can start with the decorating!

for the kids who are sensitive to peanuts, we didn't add m+m's.

so we just added extra sprinkles.

we left 4 that were just plain, and 3 that just had the chocolate on them.

once they fully dried we placed them into the fridge over night, and then

took them out in the morning to let soften!

they were perfect, and delicious!

they were honestly the perfect treat to bring to a kindergarten class.

the teachers said that the popsicle sticks were genius, and they barely had to do any clean up!

definitely kid + parent approved.

tell me if YOU end up making them + how they turned out!

HOW TO: MESSY BUN

What can one say about messy buns?
They go by many names.
Messy Bun. Top Knot. Sexy Bun.
...k no one really calls them sexy, although they are. obviously.

Anyways, the point is messy buns are a must.
In every aspect of life.
Whether you are a mama, and you are tired of your sweet, beautiful, devil child pulling on your damn hair. Or a girl tryin to get crap done. Or a dude that is randomly here that wants to perfect his man bun game. Messy buns are. the. shizznit.

Here is my fool proof way to up your messy bun game.




FIRST:
Hair thingy.

SECOND:
It doesn't really matter where your hair is parted, you literally just grab it all and gather it on the top of your head. But I do love to leave a tiny part visible - that is my personal preference, but you do you girl.

Make sure that your hair thingy is on the hand that is holding your hair.
Since my right hand is my dominate hand, I keep the hair thingy on my right wrist so it's easier.

BUT you want it messy when you gather it all. Don't try and make it into a pony tail first - THAT IS A ROOKIE MISTAKE. 

If some pieces are bunched, or looped, or ratted - KEEP IT THAT WAY.

THIRD:
With your one hand entangled in your hair, you are going to bring the hair thingy over the hair, so it starts to form a bun on top.

FOURTH:
Now, because your hair is entangled all together, as you start twisting the hair thingy your hair will naturally follow with the motion.

FIFTH:
And slowly pull the hair thingy over to the other side to lock it into place.

SIXTH:
Let it go! Let it go!
tell me you didn't just sing that.

Now you could leave it like that but here is what I do next.
If there are random pieces that are sticking out, or look funky, just tuck them into the hair thingy.

I wrap them around to the back and tuck them into the hair thingy.

Now with postpartum hair loss hittin me I have these stupid places that are well.. baldISH.

NOT CUTE. 

So I pull some bangs down to frame my face + lightly tug some of the hair down to cover it, which makes it look messier + cuter anyways.

Like so.

And there you go guys!
My messy bun pictorial to up dat messy bun game.
Send me some DM's of your messy buns!
And if you have any questions, or still don't know how to do it, let a girl know.

FED IS BETTER

I've been feeling a little guilty for not breastfeeding Luna.
When she was born, she had 2 of the cutest little teeth on her bottom gums
which deterred me from it, but now they're gone.

She was amazing at nursing in the beginning.
As soon as she came out she was already searching, and trying to find the goods.
She latched perfectly, and it was the most incredible bonding experience.
But then her teeth wrecked my nips, and made them bleed in the first night.
She would bite + suck until my milk let down, and by then I was bawling my eyes out.

I was able to nurse Ren for 6 months until my milk dried up.
But the difference with Ren when he got his first two teeth,
was my nips had built up that callous before he got them.
Because you know, he got his first 2 at 5 months.

2 1/2 weeks was my limit with Luna.

I've gotten so many comments about how I could have pumped.
I did. For 2 weeks after I stopped nursing I pumped.
But it just wasn't enough for her.
I started supplementing, and as soon as I gave her that first bottle of formula,
she slept for 6 hours straight. Before it was only 1 1/2 - 2 hours.

I saw this post on Instagram the other day that actually hurt.
It was talking about how "breast is best" and mom's that formula feed,
unless of medical emergency, was a cop out and selfish.

To which I went, WHAAAT?

I LOVE seeing all of these beautiful breastfeeding photos on Instagram
I  f r e a k i n g  love it.
Seeing these photos with these mama's bonding like that with their babes
makes me tear up because it is so. freaking. beautiful.
I love it.

And then I started feeling ashamed.

Would my formula, bottling feeing photos be just as beautiful?

Would people think I was selfish?

Or a cop out because I couldn't deal with the pain?

I just didn't want anyone thinking less of me because I wasn't

breastfeeding my baby. 

I didn't want to be judged because I didn't suck up the pain of my 

nip being chewed on, when other mom's can nurse when their

babes have full sets of teeth, and I couldn't even handle two.

Then I kept seeing these Insta + blog posts shaming other
mom's for formula feeding their babies.
And all my fears were becoming a reality.
Clearly they were in the right because they have 15K followers, and
their words have more meaning than my feelings.. right?

And then I saw a couple of mama's in the mall.

One who was formula feeding.
And one who was nursing.
They were just chatting away with each other.
Not caring about who was right, or who was the selfless one with
how they were feeding their babies.

They were just feeding them.

And then I realized how unbelievably stupid I was being.

There is no right or wrong way when it comes to this subject.
There is only loving our babes.

Mom's who formula feed their babes are not selfish.
Mom's who breastfeed their babes are not selfish.
We all can agree that a FED baby is the best baby.
It really doesn't matter if it's breastmilk or formula.
As long as that precious babe gets food in their belly.

Who really cares if a mama choose to nurse or formula feeds her baby by choice?
And to shame any mom and call her selfish because she can't or
doesn't want to is a load of crap.
And I will always go up to bat for the mama who is being shamed.

Can't we all just love other mama's for being a good mama and feeding her baby?
I mean, formula is hella expensive.
And is hardly a "selfish" decision.
Juuuust sayin.

We need more l o v e in this community.
Social Media has called for people to become judge, jury + executioner,
and call for the heads of these beautiful mama's who are just trying to do
right for their babies, and family.

We need to show more a p p r e c i a t i o n.
To the mama's who stay home all day long to care for their children,
and home, and husband, and gets no break because it's their home +
can't find that solid line between work hours + relaxing hours.
Or the mama's who goes to work all day long + stay up with their newborn
or sick babes because we do what we gotta do.
Or the mama who can't nurse her baby, and has to formula feed because
her baby has teeth.
Or the mom's milk dried up.
Or because she just wants to have the freedom of not nursing.
Or the mom who does nurse and has been shamed into going into
another gross smelling room in the mall because random assholes think
breastfeeding is gross.
Or can't pump has to spend x amount of time nursing when she
really wants a break and go nap.
Or the mom who wants desperately to breastfeed her babe, but she can't because she's sick,
or her milk won't come in despite everything she does.
Or on, and on the reasons go..

We need to just be freaking  n i c e r.
To all of those women who take care of their babies and are doing their
damnest to just be accepted and loved by their fellow people.
And be told that we're doing a good job even if what we're doing
doesn't fall in line with what certain opinions are.

We just need to l o v e.
And to feed are damn babies.
Because fed is better.
And shaming mom's is not.

So you do you mama.
Don't let anyone make you think that you
are anything less than AMAZING.
Because you truly are.

You got this.
+ I always got yo back.

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